Dear,
The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.
First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.
And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.
Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.
The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.
Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.
The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.
If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.
Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.
Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…
Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.
Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.
Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Quickie
Dear,
Didn't realize I could dream of you i such a short time.
It was dawn and I was transiting between sleeping and being awake and back within the minutes.
Yet, within those few minutes that I was asleep, I managed to dream of u.
We were at some restaurant and were having fruits. It seems strange that U ate very little of it. I notice that and asked u why, but u just say it's nothing. Yet somehow know u r not feeling well.
I tried to touch you to see if you're cold or hot but u shrug me off saying u r alright. In the end I managed to grab ur arm and felt ur pulse, while I pretend to eat the fruits u left behind.
It felt normal. Although a little bit fast. I remember ur pulse always feels "normal" when u r not feeling well.
As I was pondering on this, I woke up.
It was really a short dream.
I wonder what this means...
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Kiss
Dear
I finally dream of u again.
This time was that i was talking with some friends abt going to the movies. There were some elaborate planning which lead me to comment that I am lucky to have them to do the planning and u to go with, to the movie.
The image then change to two couples, lying on the ground, side by side with the ladies lying prone on top of the guys. I've no idea who were the other couple, but we were discussing about scary movies where there are mysterious hands touching the legs of the viewers in the cinema. You said you're not afraid but I was teasing that you will be. As we were "arguing", I silence you by giving you a kiss. We kissed for the a while. Then you smiled at me. It was so sweet.
Nothing was disturbing my sleep, but yet, at that point in time, I woke up.
I guessed I must have some how realized that this is not real.
Sigh... If only it was....
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me
Dear,
it was such a sad day, that day was.
In fact, the whole week, the days leading to it were just as sad.
That's because I couldn't helping thinking that from now onwards, I can only share my birthday with you in the temple and no where else. our assets
Can no longer look forward to having a nice meal with you, a nice outing with you, a nice present from you on that day anymore.
That day will never be the same without you.
It hurt so bad just thinking about it.
Dear, yet even so, I'm so happy you agreed to share that piece of cake and coffee with me that morning.
That thought keep me going for the rest of the day.
Being busy in office helps a lot.
Think I'll do that from now on.
I need to save my leaves for Evan anyway.
You know, I'm almost done with settling your assets.
Just some small hickups but easily solve once I find the time to do it.
As you know, I'll be at ICT these 2 weeks.
I'll miss going to see you in the morning. It has always been something I look forward to every week.
Dear, I asked you to look for me, of not any other days, at least during my birthday.
Why have you not come?
Nevertheless, I'll continue to hope that one day, you find your way into my dreams.
I hope we can have a good chat then, and do some catching up for the time we've lost.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
I miss you and love you.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Mooncake Party
Dear.
Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.
Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.
Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.
He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.
Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.
I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.
Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.
Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.
Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.
He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.
Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.
I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.
Monday, August 8, 2011
National Day
Dear,
how time flies.
It's national day tomorrow, a holiday.
I used to look forward to these days, but now, it just feels like any other day.
So what if I have the whole day free?
You r not around to spend it with me.
last weekend, my parents and i brought evan to IMM.
These weekly trips are just as meaningless to me without you.
But I forced myself to go along with it cos I know it'll be good for evan to see the world. There's much comfort in seeing him happy.
We had no motive for going IMM actually.
It's just a place to be, away from the house.
As we walked around the place, I can't help recalling the last time we were there.
I can't really remember if that was before or after you gave birth, but i know 5 of us were there... ur mum, my parents and us. I remember I bought that red puma t-shirt there.
While driving home from there, I was still thinking about you.
My tears starts rolling... I couldn't help it.
Luckily it was dark in the car and no one saw me crying.
I let everyone off at the house, and drove the car to park alone.
I finally had some private time to cry out.
I really really missed you, dear.
I cried and cried, and realised that I cried a lot like Evan.
He really knows how to use his crying now.
I'll have to start controlling and disciplining him soon, before he picked up all the bad habits.
He's growing up day by day, and we've grown so attached to each other.
He's also very attached to your mum.
And I guess likewise for your mum to him.
Now she's talking about only leting Evan goes to school after chinese new year... one full year after your death.
I do not know how to react to this actually.
My mum also memtioned that with tuti around, there's actually no need to send Evan to school so early.
My rationale is for him to start learning as soon as possible, cos he's just wasting time at home.
No one in my house, or yours, is capable of teaching him anything.
And at his age, he does not know what's school anyway.
As long as it's fun, he'll go... and boy does he loves to go out.
For this very reason, I do not think I'll delay sending him to school.
As it is, other kids have both parents around to take turns to educate their child daily.
I hardly have the time and energy to do this after work.
I do not want him to missed learning at the time he's most receptive.
Worse still if he picks up bad habits in the meantime.
Well, i guess it's decided then.
I am sorry your mum can't be enjoying Evan more, but if she wants what's best for Evan, she'll not object to this.
Help give her the wisdom and strength to carry it out.
how time flies.
It's national day tomorrow, a holiday.
I used to look forward to these days, but now, it just feels like any other day.
So what if I have the whole day free?
You r not around to spend it with me.
last weekend, my parents and i brought evan to IMM.
These weekly trips are just as meaningless to me without you.
But I forced myself to go along with it cos I know it'll be good for evan to see the world. There's much comfort in seeing him happy.
We had no motive for going IMM actually.
It's just a place to be, away from the house.
As we walked around the place, I can't help recalling the last time we were there.
I can't really remember if that was before or after you gave birth, but i know 5 of us were there... ur mum, my parents and us. I remember I bought that red puma t-shirt there.
While driving home from there, I was still thinking about you.
My tears starts rolling... I couldn't help it.
Luckily it was dark in the car and no one saw me crying.
I let everyone off at the house, and drove the car to park alone.
I finally had some private time to cry out.
I really really missed you, dear.
I cried and cried, and realised that I cried a lot like Evan.
He really knows how to use his crying now.
I'll have to start controlling and disciplining him soon, before he picked up all the bad habits.
He's growing up day by day, and we've grown so attached to each other.
He's also very attached to your mum.
And I guess likewise for your mum to him.
Now she's talking about only leting Evan goes to school after chinese new year... one full year after your death.
I do not know how to react to this actually.
My mum also memtioned that with tuti around, there's actually no need to send Evan to school so early.
My rationale is for him to start learning as soon as possible, cos he's just wasting time at home.
No one in my house, or yours, is capable of teaching him anything.
And at his age, he does not know what's school anyway.
As long as it's fun, he'll go... and boy does he loves to go out.
For this very reason, I do not think I'll delay sending him to school.
As it is, other kids have both parents around to take turns to educate their child daily.
I hardly have the time and energy to do this after work.
I do not want him to missed learning at the time he's most receptive.
Worse still if he picks up bad habits in the meantime.
Well, i guess it's decided then.
I am sorry your mum can't be enjoying Evan more, but if she wants what's best for Evan, she'll not object to this.
Help give her the wisdom and strength to carry it out.
New House
Dear,
We're back to looking at houses again, this time.
We were looking at the model of a new housing development in Singapore. It's the first development on island and the island is at the extreme south east. Now that I thought about it, there's no island in the south east of Singapore. In fact, it looks like a cluster of small land being joined together to form the island.
As good as it looks, like some marina, U were lamenting how far it is to go to work from there. On this I showed u on the model how u can go along the airport coastal road and then onto ecp and then aye...
At this point I woke u from the sound of my alarm. U know, talking to u then was so natural that I almost did not realize u were gone. It's as if u were still always with me. If only this was real
We're back to looking at houses again, this time.
We were looking at the model of a new housing development in Singapore. It's the first development on island and the island is at the extreme south east. Now that I thought about it, there's no island in the south east of Singapore. In fact, it looks like a cluster of small land being joined together to form the island.
As good as it looks, like some marina, U were lamenting how far it is to go to work from there. On this I showed u on the model how u can go along the airport coastal road and then onto ecp and then aye...
At this point I woke u from the sound of my alarm. U know, talking to u then was so natural that I almost did not realize u were gone. It's as if u were still always with me. If only this was real
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wedding Again
Dear,
How strange.
I dreamt about our wedding dinner.
Our second wedding dinner to be exact.
I actually knew, even in my dream, that it was our second wedding.
Why are we having a second wedding?
Is this a sign that you'll be coming back to me, and we decided to commemorate the reunion with this celebration?
The dream covered quite a lot of details. A lot were like the first... busy running here and there to get things organized... but sadly, I've forgotten the details the moment I woke up. This I do not regret. What I regret is that I do not remember us talking much during the whole event... just like the first time. We were both so busy organizing things. Make you wonder if the wedding dinner was for us or for the attendees...
You know. Dreaming about the dinner makes me recall our first wedding dinner. I was so drunk that night that I fell asleep in the bath tub and later on the bed. I remember you told me later that you finished all the food by yourself and then went to bed beside me. How stupid of me to missed our official first night like that. How silly of me to get myself so drunk. But then again, why not, I'm so happy that day. Big contrast to how I'm feeling now.
Well, does not matter... if you're really coming back to me.
We'll have the whole life time to talk this time round.
Looking forward to that day.
I miss you dearly.
How strange.
I dreamt about our wedding dinner.
Our second wedding dinner to be exact.
I actually knew, even in my dream, that it was our second wedding.
Why are we having a second wedding?
Is this a sign that you'll be coming back to me, and we decided to commemorate the reunion with this celebration?
The dream covered quite a lot of details. A lot were like the first... busy running here and there to get things organized... but sadly, I've forgotten the details the moment I woke up. This I do not regret. What I regret is that I do not remember us talking much during the whole event... just like the first time. We were both so busy organizing things. Make you wonder if the wedding dinner was for us or for the attendees...
You know. Dreaming about the dinner makes me recall our first wedding dinner. I was so drunk that night that I fell asleep in the bath tub and later on the bed. I remember you told me later that you finished all the food by yourself and then went to bed beside me. How stupid of me to missed our official first night like that. How silly of me to get myself so drunk. But then again, why not, I'm so happy that day. Big contrast to how I'm feeling now.
Well, does not matter... if you're really coming back to me.
We'll have the whole life time to talk this time round.
Looking forward to that day.
I miss you dearly.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Packing
Dear,
It's almost 5 months...
a lot of your stuffs are still lying here and there in our room.
Last sunday, I finally found the determination to go thru them and start packing things up. I bought 3 containers to put your stuffs, our stuffs...
one, i put in all our wedding stuffs, the albums, the banner, the pillow, the tapes...
this one i can show to evan when he's older... "see, look how happy your mummy and daddy is on the wedding day"
one, i put in all your daily stuffs from the wardrobe, your bag, the dressing table. this one i can show evan what his mummy use to use on a daily basis, including ur spectacles, ur watches, ur makeup kit, ur mirror, ur hair band, ur clothes and so much more.
one, i put in all your bags. those bags are so expensive, dear, and it's really a waste that I do not give them to others to use, or even to sell them. But, they bring back so much memories and i just bare to part with them.
All of these now rest under my bed, where I can feel close to them. Do come back to look at them when u r free ok.... btw, while you r back, take a look at our wardrobe, I've paste a lot of our pictures and evan's on the door. Evan likes to come in to our room to look at them also....
Our room looks so much neater, now that I've packed up. These extra space will be taken up by more messes in due time, as always... only this time, it's only mine, no longer ours....
Feels even emptier now that your stuffs are out of sight.
Sigh, maybe I shouldn't pack....
It's almost 5 months...
a lot of your stuffs are still lying here and there in our room.
Last sunday, I finally found the determination to go thru them and start packing things up. I bought 3 containers to put your stuffs, our stuffs...
one, i put in all our wedding stuffs, the albums, the banner, the pillow, the tapes...
this one i can show to evan when he's older... "see, look how happy your mummy and daddy is on the wedding day"
one, i put in all your daily stuffs from the wardrobe, your bag, the dressing table. this one i can show evan what his mummy use to use on a daily basis, including ur spectacles, ur watches, ur makeup kit, ur mirror, ur hair band, ur clothes and so much more.
one, i put in all your bags. those bags are so expensive, dear, and it's really a waste that I do not give them to others to use, or even to sell them. But, they bring back so much memories and i just bare to part with them.
All of these now rest under my bed, where I can feel close to them. Do come back to look at them when u r free ok.... btw, while you r back, take a look at our wardrobe, I've paste a lot of our pictures and evan's on the door. Evan likes to come in to our room to look at them also....
Our room looks so much neater, now that I've packed up. These extra space will be taken up by more messes in due time, as always... only this time, it's only mine, no longer ours....
Feels even emptier now that your stuffs are out of sight.
Sigh, maybe I shouldn't pack....
Monday, June 27, 2011
Evan's Birthday
Dear,
Evan's finally gonna be 1 tomorrow.
Somehow, this milestone seems so significant in your absence.
It also means that you've been gone for 4 months already.
I still miss you so much.
Hearing your named mentioned by anyone still brings tears to my eyes.
Evan went back to Ipoh to celebrate his chinese birthday.
Back there, he was suyppose to choose between abacus, pen, ruler, and book.
Guess what, he chosed exactly like you - abacus and ruler.
My mum told me b4 I chosed the pen.
Guess he's really more like you than me.
We even went to eat seafood at Tok Alang. The prawns there are suppose to be very famous. Indeed, they are rather tasty, but I remembered you were suppose to bring me there and that made me sad.
In fact, going to Ipoh never fails to make me sad, as it always brought back memories of our time there.
Two things did came out right from the trip though.
One, your mum finally agreed to let me bring Evan home for 3 days.
Two, we were finally able to hear from you, thru the medium.
She doesn't really sound like you, but according to feima, it gets better over time.
I sure hope so.
Back in Singapore, my family celebrated with Evan last sunday.
Evan had a pretty good time also. So much so that he tired himself out and slept until 8pm before getting up for his dinner.
Remember he came to see you at the temple?
He has really grown right?
Sadly, your mum came to know about the sunday's celebration and got really angry cos it will supposedly hurt you. U know me, I can't really be bothered by customs, and have accomodated a lot since your death. It's mainly to help make your mum feel better. But frankly, this is not the life for me. I cannot alter myself and my life just so to make everyone happy. I decided I need to live back my own life. This is the only way I can buck up and do the right thing for Evan.
This mean that I'll do anything, even if it means offending your mum. I know you do not want this, but u know how stubborn your mum is right. I'm not exactly a patient person either. If things turns sour.... for whatever reason, just know that I've really done what I can at my current state. I really have. I've also never been this patient with you right.
Frankly speaking, my well-being is more important than your mum. Evan needs me more than your mum. You can call me selfish, but Evan is the most important and therefore I'm the next most important. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. I know you love both Evan and your mum, but you have to make a choice in this case.
Enuf complaining.
This post is suppose to tell you how much I enjoy seeing Evan happily, celebrating his birthday. No one else can make me this happy these days. Seeing him grow up so fast, makes me worried that I might miss those precious moments. Nevertheless, it is a happy moment.
If only you were here to share this joy with me. Even where you are now, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Evan is growing up happily. I love him so much. I love you so much.
Evan's finally gonna be 1 tomorrow.
Somehow, this milestone seems so significant in your absence.
It also means that you've been gone for 4 months already.
I still miss you so much.
Hearing your named mentioned by anyone still brings tears to my eyes.
Evan went back to Ipoh to celebrate his chinese birthday.
Back there, he was suyppose to choose between abacus, pen, ruler, and book.
Guess what, he chosed exactly like you - abacus and ruler.
My mum told me b4 I chosed the pen.
Guess he's really more like you than me.
We even went to eat seafood at Tok Alang. The prawns there are suppose to be very famous. Indeed, they are rather tasty, but I remembered you were suppose to bring me there and that made me sad.
In fact, going to Ipoh never fails to make me sad, as it always brought back memories of our time there.
Two things did came out right from the trip though.
One, your mum finally agreed to let me bring Evan home for 3 days.
Two, we were finally able to hear from you, thru the medium.
She doesn't really sound like you, but according to feima, it gets better over time.
I sure hope so.
Back in Singapore, my family celebrated with Evan last sunday.
Evan had a pretty good time also. So much so that he tired himself out and slept until 8pm before getting up for his dinner.
Remember he came to see you at the temple?
He has really grown right?
Sadly, your mum came to know about the sunday's celebration and got really angry cos it will supposedly hurt you. U know me, I can't really be bothered by customs, and have accomodated a lot since your death. It's mainly to help make your mum feel better. But frankly, this is not the life for me. I cannot alter myself and my life just so to make everyone happy. I decided I need to live back my own life. This is the only way I can buck up and do the right thing for Evan.
This mean that I'll do anything, even if it means offending your mum. I know you do not want this, but u know how stubborn your mum is right. I'm not exactly a patient person either. If things turns sour.... for whatever reason, just know that I've really done what I can at my current state. I really have. I've also never been this patient with you right.
Frankly speaking, my well-being is more important than your mum. Evan needs me more than your mum. You can call me selfish, but Evan is the most important and therefore I'm the next most important. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. I know you love both Evan and your mum, but you have to make a choice in this case.
Enuf complaining.
This post is suppose to tell you how much I enjoy seeing Evan happily, celebrating his birthday. No one else can make me this happy these days. Seeing him grow up so fast, makes me worried that I might miss those precious moments. Nevertheless, it is a happy moment.
If only you were here to share this joy with me. Even where you are now, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Evan is growing up happily. I love him so much. I love you so much.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Dear,
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It's been 3 months already
Dear,
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm not getting better
Dear,
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day, dear.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Evan's Development
Dear,
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Happy Birthday
Dear,
hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.
actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.
I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.
Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.
I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.
In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.
At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.
You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.
I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.
Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.
hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.
actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.
I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.
Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.
I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.
In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.
At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.
You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.
I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.
Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Dream Part 2?
Dear,
this time we're in a posh Japanese restuarant.
You ordered sashimi while I ordered sushi.
You plate of sashimi was quite small and you reached over to "tax" me.
I commented that you should have ordered something more filling.
But you said you purposely ordered sashimi cos it's expensive, to punish me for ... you started mumbling and i could not hear what you were saying. In my mind, I was thinking that even if it's expensive and the portion is small, since it's a punishment, you could have ordered more portions to fill yourself and make the punishment harder. The reason you did not do that is cos you are reluctant to see me waste so much money, even as a punishment. I'm glad you're this considerate, even at this juncture, and know you still love me deeply. I'm also glad to be able to share my food with you, just like we always do.
I do not know what's the quarrel was about.
Is this a continuation of the previous dream we had?
If it is, I'm glad that we could have this dream, and hopefully more, so that I can see you more often.
Maybe we'll be able to get to the point where I know what you're angry with me for?
Hopefully we can get to the point where we kiss and make up as well.
this time we're in a posh Japanese restuarant.
You ordered sashimi while I ordered sushi.
You plate of sashimi was quite small and you reached over to "tax" me.
I commented that you should have ordered something more filling.
But you said you purposely ordered sashimi cos it's expensive, to punish me for ... you started mumbling and i could not hear what you were saying. In my mind, I was thinking that even if it's expensive and the portion is small, since it's a punishment, you could have ordered more portions to fill yourself and make the punishment harder. The reason you did not do that is cos you are reluctant to see me waste so much money, even as a punishment. I'm glad you're this considerate, even at this juncture, and know you still love me deeply. I'm also glad to be able to share my food with you, just like we always do.
I do not know what's the quarrel was about.
Is this a continuation of the previous dream we had?
If it is, I'm glad that we could have this dream, and hopefully more, so that I can see you more often.
Maybe we'll be able to get to the point where I know what you're angry with me for?
Hopefully we can get to the point where we kiss and make up as well.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Ipoh Trip
Dear,
After having such a "nice" dream that gave me hope, I went to work in a pretty calm mood. I also get to play with Evan in the morning right before I come to work. He seems a lot bigger and heavier now, even though I carry him and see him almost everyday.
I decided to prepare for next week’s trip to Ipoh by notifying MINDEF and also applying for travel insurance. As I logged into the travel insurance page, it shows your name among others in the list of people I used to apply travel insurance for.
I recall the last few trips where I always buy insurance for you.
I recall the last few trips where we always look forward to going to Ipoh to take a break from work.
I recall the last few trips where you always sit next to me as I drive up to Ipoh and back from Ipoh
I recall how you used to feed me while I drive and pass my water bottle to me when I asked for it.
I recall so many things that we used to do and just did the week before you left.
It hurt so bad.
I did not want to look for you at the temple, but I can’t help it.
It hurt so bad.
Even back in office, my tears are still running as I eat the same lunch box I bought for you.
It hurt so bad.
I missed you so much.
After having such a "nice" dream that gave me hope, I went to work in a pretty calm mood. I also get to play with Evan in the morning right before I come to work. He seems a lot bigger and heavier now, even though I carry him and see him almost everyday.
I decided to prepare for next week’s trip to Ipoh by notifying MINDEF and also applying for travel insurance. As I logged into the travel insurance page, it shows your name among others in the list of people I used to apply travel insurance for.
I recall the last few trips where I always buy insurance for you.
I recall the last few trips where we always look forward to going to Ipoh to take a break from work.
I recall the last few trips where you always sit next to me as I drive up to Ipoh and back from Ipoh
I recall how you used to feed me while I drive and pass my water bottle to me when I asked for it.
I recall so many things that we used to do and just did the week before you left.
It hurt so bad.
I did not want to look for you at the temple, but I can’t help it.
It hurt so bad.
Even back in office, my tears are still running as I eat the same lunch box I bought for you.
It hurt so bad.
I missed you so much.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Dead or not dead?
Dear,
My last dream was interesting indeed.
The setup was in a house - my house?
Everyone was there except you - Evan, my parents, your mum, tuti.
Naturally, i thought it was because you were dead.
Your mum and tuti were taking care of Evan in one room and I was in a living room, where my parents were watching TV.
Somehow, the tv cable point was behind my mum's seat and she keep dislodging it, making the TV very blur. Yet, she insist it's not her causing the problem. I forced her to move slightly, making the reception better and proving to her, yes, it was her fault.
Then, lilian called and asked me how it was with you.
At that point, some how, i realised that you were not dead, but we were separated due to some argument. She encouraged me to call you to see how it goes.
I walked out of the room and dialed your number.
Half my "dream" mind still insist you were already dead, as I'm currently holding another phone that is using your number; like in the real world.
To my surprise, my other phone did not ring. Instead, you picked up the call.
I questioned how that can happen, and reasoned that it's likely that since your number was from M1, like mine, it goes to you first, and only if you did not receive will it be routed to my phone with your number, which is on Singtel.
It's really very strange that the surrounding objects are just like in the real world, but yet in the dream, it could become that way.
As you picked up the call, I asked "HOw are you?
". "Ok ah!" You replyed in the half angry tone you always used when we quarrel.
The rest of the conversation passed by in a blur, and you were then asking me about Evan. I took the opportunity to asked you out, for dinner, and then movie. Some how, I realise you want to just go for dinner only so that I can go home to play with Evan, but I told you that it won;t make a difference as by the time I reach home, he would have already slept. You thought about it for a while and then agreed.
The following day, I was at another place during the day. It was a big house, and there were many people there, like some kind of party or conference. One Ang Mo actually came to over to where I was sitting and console me on our situation. Strangely, I do not recall knowing him.
Then it was time for me to leave. You SMSed me your current address and from the map, although it was very very far, I knew where it was. My "dream" mind recalled going there with you to look for someone before. I even decided that I do not need GPS to help me find it. Now that I think about it, why didn't you go home? Why was your mum still helping out at my place?
As I walked towards my car, I met Wee Meng and gave him a lift around a big car park to find his car. As we mounted a ramp, he explained that he saw Angeline leaving the carpark in her little blue Getz. I proudlly told him that I helped her sourced for that car - although now that I thought about it, I do not know it that was actually true or not.
Anyway, things passed by in a blur again, and now i'm a RWS hotel, with the intention to book a room for our date in the evening. The receptionist told me that since I did not book in advance, I have to pay $20 more.
All these while, I was aware that I'm dreaming, but some how, my consciousness did not take over, but let the dream run its course. It's like I'm watching a movie about myself, and yet I could feel like how I did in the show.
over time, my conciousness too over and I was fully awake. Yet, I was able to still vividly recall the scenes in the dream. The last few times were not this way. Although, try as I might, I could not fall asleep again to continue the dream.
In the end, we did get to the point were we meet up for our date. Sigh....
This is the longest dream I had concerning you so far.
Will there be more?
My last dream was interesting indeed.
The setup was in a house - my house?
Everyone was there except you - Evan, my parents, your mum, tuti.
Naturally, i thought it was because you were dead.
Your mum and tuti were taking care of Evan in one room and I was in a living room, where my parents were watching TV.
Somehow, the tv cable point was behind my mum's seat and she keep dislodging it, making the TV very blur. Yet, she insist it's not her causing the problem. I forced her to move slightly, making the reception better and proving to her, yes, it was her fault.
Then, lilian called and asked me how it was with you.
At that point, some how, i realised that you were not dead, but we were separated due to some argument. She encouraged me to call you to see how it goes.
I walked out of the room and dialed your number.
Half my "dream" mind still insist you were already dead, as I'm currently holding another phone that is using your number; like in the real world.
To my surprise, my other phone did not ring. Instead, you picked up the call.
I questioned how that can happen, and reasoned that it's likely that since your number was from M1, like mine, it goes to you first, and only if you did not receive will it be routed to my phone with your number, which is on Singtel.
It's really very strange that the surrounding objects are just like in the real world, but yet in the dream, it could become that way.
As you picked up the call, I asked "HOw are you?
". "Ok ah!" You replyed in the half angry tone you always used when we quarrel.
The rest of the conversation passed by in a blur, and you were then asking me about Evan. I took the opportunity to asked you out, for dinner, and then movie. Some how, I realise you want to just go for dinner only so that I can go home to play with Evan, but I told you that it won;t make a difference as by the time I reach home, he would have already slept. You thought about it for a while and then agreed.
The following day, I was at another place during the day. It was a big house, and there were many people there, like some kind of party or conference. One Ang Mo actually came to over to where I was sitting and console me on our situation. Strangely, I do not recall knowing him.
Then it was time for me to leave. You SMSed me your current address and from the map, although it was very very far, I knew where it was. My "dream" mind recalled going there with you to look for someone before. I even decided that I do not need GPS to help me find it. Now that I think about it, why didn't you go home? Why was your mum still helping out at my place?
As I walked towards my car, I met Wee Meng and gave him a lift around a big car park to find his car. As we mounted a ramp, he explained that he saw Angeline leaving the carpark in her little blue Getz. I proudlly told him that I helped her sourced for that car - although now that I thought about it, I do not know it that was actually true or not.
Anyway, things passed by in a blur again, and now i'm a RWS hotel, with the intention to book a room for our date in the evening. The receptionist told me that since I did not book in advance, I have to pay $20 more.
All these while, I was aware that I'm dreaming, but some how, my consciousness did not take over, but let the dream run its course. It's like I'm watching a movie about myself, and yet I could feel like how I did in the show.
over time, my conciousness too over and I was fully awake. Yet, I was able to still vividly recall the scenes in the dream. The last few times were not this way. Although, try as I might, I could not fall asleep again to continue the dream.
In the end, we did get to the point were we meet up for our date. Sigh....
This is the longest dream I had concerning you so far.
Will there be more?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pleasant Dream
Dear,
Last night's dream was the most pleasant dream I have of you so far.
We were cutting corners off some things which I vaguely recall looks like dumplings.
Not sure why we were doing it, but it seems we were pretty committed to do it.
As time goes on, we decided not to cut the corners and take the whole dumpling instead.
Somehow, that seems to angered some people who starts throwing balls at us.
I vaguely recall that the it was more of a “pretend” kind of angriness and the balls thrown as us were not gonna hurt us anyway.
Because of that, we did not care that the people were "complaining" about and go about our own tasks.
We smiled and look at each other, enjoying the laughter and joy; and then we kissed.
I realised I was not fully asleep as I was aware that I was dreaming, although the dream was proceeding along on its own without me imposing my will on it to change it’s course. Seems as if I was watching a show about myself, yet I felt involved in it.
Nevertheless, we still did not talk much in the dream.
Maybe it is true that these dreams are just my unconcious self missing you.
Since you left no message when you left, my unconcious self found no info from which to generate the conversation in my dream.
When will you really really enter my dream and talk to me.
Just once is all I asked.
Last night's dream was the most pleasant dream I have of you so far.
We were cutting corners off some things which I vaguely recall looks like dumplings.
Not sure why we were doing it, but it seems we were pretty committed to do it.
As time goes on, we decided not to cut the corners and take the whole dumpling instead.
Somehow, that seems to angered some people who starts throwing balls at us.
I vaguely recall that the it was more of a “pretend” kind of angriness and the balls thrown as us were not gonna hurt us anyway.
Because of that, we did not care that the people were "complaining" about and go about our own tasks.
We smiled and look at each other, enjoying the laughter and joy; and then we kissed.
I realised I was not fully asleep as I was aware that I was dreaming, although the dream was proceeding along on its own without me imposing my will on it to change it’s course. Seems as if I was watching a show about myself, yet I felt involved in it.
Nevertheless, we still did not talk much in the dream.
Maybe it is true that these dreams are just my unconcious self missing you.
Since you left no message when you left, my unconcious self found no info from which to generate the conversation in my dream.
When will you really really enter my dream and talk to me.
Just once is all I asked.
IPT
Dear,
it's such a strange feeling going for IPT yesterday.
Last time, I go for the tough training knowing that after that, I can go home to you; I might even get a massage fro you if I was aching. Things were nice then.
Now, there's nothing to go back home to; not even Evan is enough to comfort me totally, although it helps abit. I told you before, you're always first in my heart; then comes evan; then everyone else.
I used to be able to find comfort in complaining to you how I sufferred during trainings, and now there's no one whom I want to and can confide in. You know, when I got back to my car after the session, I immediately reached for my ohone to see if you've left me any message which you used to do all the time - "waiting for you", "very boring at home", "not done yet?". Reality sinks in when I found no such sms this time, and I really wanted to cry.
None left to share my woes and joys from now on.
I'm by myself, now and forever.
it's such a strange feeling going for IPT yesterday.
Last time, I go for the tough training knowing that after that, I can go home to you; I might even get a massage fro you if I was aching. Things were nice then.
Now, there's nothing to go back home to; not even Evan is enough to comfort me totally, although it helps abit. I told you before, you're always first in my heart; then comes evan; then everyone else.
I used to be able to find comfort in complaining to you how I sufferred during trainings, and now there's no one whom I want to and can confide in. You know, when I got back to my car after the session, I immediately reached for my ohone to see if you've left me any message which you used to do all the time - "waiting for you", "very boring at home", "not done yet?". Reality sinks in when I found no such sms this time, and I really wanted to cry.
None left to share my woes and joys from now on.
I'm by myself, now and forever.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
49th Day
Dear,
finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.
Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?
At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.
I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.
I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.
Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.
finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.
Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?
At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.
I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.
I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.
Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Look at the bright side
Dear,
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Living life to the fullest
Dear,
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Fann Wong showed a teenage girl a little girl who has cancer and diabetes.
This little girl has undergone many major and minor ops and suffer more pain than most of us ever known. She do not know when she's gonna die, yet, from her vibrant ad colorful paintings, it can be seen that she's enjoying each and everyday.
I think back to 2 months ago, and somehow felt that you seems to have acted a little differently from normal. You showed more energy and actively took care of Evan and do many things which you'll usual not do.
Did you know your time is running out, and decided to do as much, live as much, as you can?
If you did, I bet you must have enjoyed your life (even your work) to the fullest until the time you collapse. Most people would have been suffering in bed in the last hours of their life. I should be glad that you did not have to suffer that way.
Sigh, while that might have been the best for you, your abrupt leaving, left me with void so suddenly, that it seems to be sucking the life out of me. I really miss you, dear. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So much. So much.
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Fann Wong showed a teenage girl a little girl who has cancer and diabetes.
This little girl has undergone many major and minor ops and suffer more pain than most of us ever known. She do not know when she's gonna die, yet, from her vibrant ad colorful paintings, it can be seen that she's enjoying each and everyday.
I think back to 2 months ago, and somehow felt that you seems to have acted a little differently from normal. You showed more energy and actively took care of Evan and do many things which you'll usual not do.
Did you know your time is running out, and decided to do as much, live as much, as you can?
If you did, I bet you must have enjoyed your life (even your work) to the fullest until the time you collapse. Most people would have been suffering in bed in the last hours of their life. I should be glad that you did not have to suffer that way.
Sigh, while that might have been the best for you, your abrupt leaving, left me with void so suddenly, that it seems to be sucking the life out of me. I really miss you, dear. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So much. So much.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dear,
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Chen Han Wei's wife had a neck injury and need to wear neck support.
She was feeling down and wanted to go back to the room to rest.
Chen Han Wei said something funny, and she smiled and asked him not to make her laugh.
At that, I remembered the time you had appendicitis.
After the operation, the scar was painful.
When I joked with you, you tried not to laugh and told me not to make you laugh.
But yet, I know you like the way I entertain you.
Life was so nice and blissful then. I felt your happiness and was happy that I could make you happy.
Sigh, if only time would go back.
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Chen Han Wei's wife had a neck injury and need to wear neck support.
She was feeling down and wanted to go back to the room to rest.
Chen Han Wei said something funny, and she smiled and asked him not to make her laugh.
At that, I remembered the time you had appendicitis.
After the operation, the scar was painful.
When I joked with you, you tried not to laugh and told me not to make you laugh.
But yet, I know you like the way I entertain you.
Life was so nice and blissful then. I felt your happiness and was happy that I could make you happy.
Sigh, if only time would go back.
Dinner Dream
Dear,
I dream of you again last night.
It seems it's always on sunday or monday nigths.
This time, we going to have some dinner at some place that requires us to queue for entry.
Seems like it needs SAFRA card or each of us, probably for some discount or something.
As I rushed to the place, I forgotten to bring one of the 2 SAFRA cards that we had.
I thought of going back to get it but as I rushed for time, I did not - hoping for the best.
Some how, Feima was helping to queue for us in advance.
I reached there first and accompanied Feima as we waited for you.
Later on, you arrived.
It seems you've not seen Feima for some time, and started asking her about how had she been.
I told you that I have forgotten one of the cards, but you said that we just need to pay extra.
Some how, I gradually woke up at this point.
The difference is that I did not realized you were dead like what happened previously.
I wonder why.
I guess this dream was probably due to the lunch I had with Dennis and Kai Chee that day.
I was imagining, maybe longing, for a romantic dinner with you.
Sigh, I did not even have a chance to celebrate our Anniversary and Valentines day with you this year.
I dream of you again last night.
It seems it's always on sunday or monday nigths.
This time, we going to have some dinner at some place that requires us to queue for entry.
Seems like it needs SAFRA card or each of us, probably for some discount or something.
As I rushed to the place, I forgotten to bring one of the 2 SAFRA cards that we had.
I thought of going back to get it but as I rushed for time, I did not - hoping for the best.
Some how, Feima was helping to queue for us in advance.
I reached there first and accompanied Feima as we waited for you.
Later on, you arrived.
It seems you've not seen Feima for some time, and started asking her about how had she been.
I told you that I have forgotten one of the cards, but you said that we just need to pay extra.
Some how, I gradually woke up at this point.
The difference is that I did not realized you were dead like what happened previously.
I wonder why.
I guess this dream was probably due to the lunch I had with Dennis and Kai Chee that day.
I was imagining, maybe longing, for a romantic dinner with you.
Sigh, I did not even have a chance to celebrate our Anniversary and Valentines day with you this year.
Friend's of Jelita
Dear, do you remember the Friend's of Jelita restuarant in Jelita building.
I went there with Dennis and Kai Chee yesterday to have lunch. Dennis just returned from trip and came with Kai Chee to visit me to see how I was doing after you've left. They asked me where (nearby) I would like to go for lunch and I suggest Friend's of Jelita since it's some place we thought of going to previously.
Back then, we visited Jelita only for its cold storage and watson to get Evan's stuffs. We were always rushing since we felt guilty about going out and enjoying ourselves and leaving you mum at home with Evan. Now that I think back, what's a couple hours gonna help with? Even if we're concerned about saving money, what's a good meal once in a while gonna do to our savings. These private couple time is just as essential, no matter what's our responsibilities and liabilities. If only I think through these earlier. At least we could have spent more time together.
I don't remember Friend's of Jelita as a very expensive place; or at least that's what the deco suggested. But when we went there yesterday, I realised, that it's more posh than I rememberred it to be. I thought I might have brought them to some expensive place. Turns out the price isn't very expensive. It's cheaper than say Bistro 301 at Pasir Panjang. Of course, we were having their set lunch, which could be the reason why it was cheaper.
When we went in, what we saw all around were couples and more couples. We were the only 3-guy group in the whole restuarant. Think Dennis and Kai Chee must have been feeling rather awkward about that. i was rather sad because all those couples reminded me of us, and how it can never happen anymore. I kept those feelings to myself as I do not want them to worry.
Anyway, the foods not too bad. The set lunch is a 3-course meal with pretty small portions. But surprisingly, I felt full after everything. On the whole, not a bad place for food and ambience; If only I could go with you...
I went there with Dennis and Kai Chee yesterday to have lunch. Dennis just returned from trip and came with Kai Chee to visit me to see how I was doing after you've left. They asked me where (nearby) I would like to go for lunch and I suggest Friend's of Jelita since it's some place we thought of going to previously.
Back then, we visited Jelita only for its cold storage and watson to get Evan's stuffs. We were always rushing since we felt guilty about going out and enjoying ourselves and leaving you mum at home with Evan. Now that I think back, what's a couple hours gonna help with? Even if we're concerned about saving money, what's a good meal once in a while gonna do to our savings. These private couple time is just as essential, no matter what's our responsibilities and liabilities. If only I think through these earlier. At least we could have spent more time together.
I don't remember Friend's of Jelita as a very expensive place; or at least that's what the deco suggested. But when we went there yesterday, I realised, that it's more posh than I rememberred it to be. I thought I might have brought them to some expensive place. Turns out the price isn't very expensive. It's cheaper than say Bistro 301 at Pasir Panjang. Of course, we were having their set lunch, which could be the reason why it was cheaper.
When we went in, what we saw all around were couples and more couples. We were the only 3-guy group in the whole restuarant. Think Dennis and Kai Chee must have been feeling rather awkward about that. i was rather sad because all those couples reminded me of us, and how it can never happen anymore. I kept those feelings to myself as I do not want them to worry.
Anyway, the foods not too bad. The set lunch is a 3-course meal with pretty small portions. But surprisingly, I felt full after everything. On the whole, not a bad place for food and ambience; If only I could go with you...
Friday, March 25, 2011
6 Weeks Ago
Dear,
6 weeks ago, at this time, we were happily enjoying our short period of freedom at TESCO, then a baby shop, where we bought the play mat for Evan. Then you decided that you have not eaten "lok lok" for a long long time and we went for some. I even burnt my hand on the side of the metal pot, but the scar is gone now. We were so enjoying ourselves that you warned me not to mentioned "lok lok" to your mum in case she scolds us for not bringing her along.
sigh... 6 weeks ago.
who would have know you will leave all of us behind just 5 days after that.
i still missed you so badly.
do you know that since I knew you, my life revolved around doing things to make you happy.
I've done so much with you in mind, that now, everywhere I turn to, there're things that remind me of you and what I had done for you. I've also lost interest in many things, even techie stuffs which I was so interested in prevously. This is because, you're no longer around to enjoy them with me.
I missed you so badly
I missed you soo badly
6 weeks ago, at this time, we were happily enjoying our short period of freedom at TESCO, then a baby shop, where we bought the play mat for Evan. Then you decided that you have not eaten "lok lok" for a long long time and we went for some. I even burnt my hand on the side of the metal pot, but the scar is gone now. We were so enjoying ourselves that you warned me not to mentioned "lok lok" to your mum in case she scolds us for not bringing her along.
sigh... 6 weeks ago.
who would have know you will leave all of us behind just 5 days after that.
i still missed you so badly.
do you know that since I knew you, my life revolved around doing things to make you happy.
I've done so much with you in mind, that now, everywhere I turn to, there're things that remind me of you and what I had done for you. I've also lost interest in many things, even techie stuffs which I was so interested in prevously. This is because, you're no longer around to enjoy them with me.
I missed you so badly
I missed you soo badly
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Baby lullabies
Evan was sleeping on the way home from SAFRA, so I thought I play the baby lullabies to let him sleep better. All was fine all the way back to the carpark where everyone dropped off.
Alone, I drove the car up the carpark to find a lot. Along the way, I recalled the period when Evan just came and I always play these baby lullabies to help him sleep. We used to lay him on our bed and lie down on either side of him to accompany him while the music played. Life was so blissful with you and Evan next to me.
I missed you so badly, dear.
Dream Again
Dear,
Monday night I dream of you again.
This time the place was in some room, and both of us were relaxing on a bed watching TV.
We were watching the Channel 8 7pm show "Ai".
It's quite strange, however, as in this version of the show, Wen Jie and Jia Ling is a couple instead; but it seems that they have not revealed their feelings for each other yet.
Jia Ling was distressed for some reason and Wen Jie pluck up enough courage to hold her hands to comfort her. Jia Ling smiled blissfully during that time. It was not a very entertaining show, so we entertained ourselves with some hanky panky stuffs. Some how, we starting talking about exercise and I suggested badminton. You didn't agree or reject to it, but only mentioned that you cannot pay me for the game.
Monday night I dream of you again.
This time the place was in some room, and both of us were relaxing on a bed watching TV.
We were watching the Channel 8 7pm show "Ai".
It's quite strange, however, as in this version of the show, Wen Jie and Jia Ling is a couple instead; but it seems that they have not revealed their feelings for each other yet.
Jia Ling was distressed for some reason and Wen Jie pluck up enough courage to hold her hands to comfort her. Jia Ling smiled blissfully during that time. It was not a very entertaining show, so we entertained ourselves with some hanky panky stuffs. Some how, we starting talking about exercise and I suggested badminton. You didn't agree or reject to it, but only mentioned that you cannot pay me for the game.
Now that I think about this, it's so strange cos we've never played badminton together before. Even then, there shouldn't be any problem for you to pay for it, if you needed to.
Some how, in the dream, i seems to understand why you could not pay, and said I'll "sponsor" you instead. But given this issue of money, I thought maybe we could go blading instead. I then remembered the times we went blading together, and then all of a sudden, I realized that we can never go blading together anymore, cos you're gone. At this point, I woke up.
These are such strange dreams, I had of you.
You always only say one sentence to me.
If only I understood what these dreams meant...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Another week has passed
Dear,
this weekend was the second time i put evan on the play mat.
Last week, when i first put him there, he did not crawl. It seems like he's used to crawling on soft surfaces like mattresses and sofas, which offers him lots of friction for his knees.
But once on the plat mat, which is rather smooth, his knees keeps slipping and he could not move forward. It frustrated him so much he cried; because he could not reached his toys.
But this week, he finally moved, although it was only 2 steps. This is because i only assembled a 4x4 grid which for his height is quite short. I didn't realise he could get over it so quickly. In fact, while learning to crawl, he even managed to put himself into a sitting position, twice, and sit without hand support for a while.
While I watched him learn and grow, I can't help but cry and wish that you were also here to see all this and share the surprises and joys with me. I remember the time when we were trying to "force" Evan to drink his milk, but he keep rejecting. You pretended you were angry and scolded him. To our surprise, he scolded you back. It was so funny we roll over with laughter. I really missed those times.
I know those times will not come back, but it's really hard not to long for them.
Sometimes, I still hope that the hospital has mixed you up someone that looks like you. With all the equipment around your face, we wrongly identified you as well. Somewhere, somehow, you recoverred from your collapse but maybe loss your memory and is currently recuperating. Some day, we'll see each other on the street and that jolted your memory back. We then hug each other and cry right there and then; just like in the movies.
How I wished that this miracle will happen.
Last night, I dreamt about you again.
Try as I might, I can't remember the story, but I know there was a choice between two options that you have to make and you chose one that seems to be influenced by me. I asked you if that was true, but you asked that it does not matter, and gave me the expression that it does not matter anymore since you were already dead.
I forgotten the dream cos I did not immediately write it down. Next time, I'll put a notebook and pen next to me. I want to remember and note down anything and everything about you. We took that for granted and now, we pay the price of not having enough memories of the few years we had together.
I'll not make that mistake for Evan.
Please help me remember should I forget.
this weekend was the second time i put evan on the play mat.
Last week, when i first put him there, he did not crawl. It seems like he's used to crawling on soft surfaces like mattresses and sofas, which offers him lots of friction for his knees.
But once on the plat mat, which is rather smooth, his knees keeps slipping and he could not move forward. It frustrated him so much he cried; because he could not reached his toys.
But this week, he finally moved, although it was only 2 steps. This is because i only assembled a 4x4 grid which for his height is quite short. I didn't realise he could get over it so quickly. In fact, while learning to crawl, he even managed to put himself into a sitting position, twice, and sit without hand support for a while.
While I watched him learn and grow, I can't help but cry and wish that you were also here to see all this and share the surprises and joys with me. I remember the time when we were trying to "force" Evan to drink his milk, but he keep rejecting. You pretended you were angry and scolded him. To our surprise, he scolded you back. It was so funny we roll over with laughter. I really missed those times.
I know those times will not come back, but it's really hard not to long for them.
Sometimes, I still hope that the hospital has mixed you up someone that looks like you. With all the equipment around your face, we wrongly identified you as well. Somewhere, somehow, you recoverred from your collapse but maybe loss your memory and is currently recuperating. Some day, we'll see each other on the street and that jolted your memory back. We then hug each other and cry right there and then; just like in the movies.
How I wished that this miracle will happen.
Last night, I dreamt about you again.
Try as I might, I can't remember the story, but I know there was a choice between two options that you have to make and you chose one that seems to be influenced by me. I asked you if that was true, but you asked that it does not matter, and gave me the expression that it does not matter anymore since you were already dead.
I forgotten the dream cos I did not immediately write it down. Next time, I'll put a notebook and pen next to me. I want to remember and note down anything and everything about you. We took that for granted and now, we pay the price of not having enough memories of the few years we had together.
I'll not make that mistake for Evan.
Please help me remember should I forget.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
First day of work
Dear,
today i went back to work for the first time after you've gone.
Morning was especially bad.
I missed waking up with you.
I missed dressing up for work with you.
I missed eating breakfast with you.
I missed passing you the Home section of the Straits Times to you, while I read the Main section.
I missed leaving the house with you.
I missed walking to our cars with you.
I missed saying bye bye to you while you board your car.
I missed trailing your car all the way to queenstown mrt then you go left while i go right.
I missed winking at you when you car parked next to mine at the traffic light
I missed going to work with you.
I missed you so badly.
My tears rolled out uncontrollably just thinking of these.
I could only hug Evan while I cry.
Strangely, today, Evan actually place his cheek next to mine and hugged me back.
That somewhat gave me some comfort.
I hope he continues to do that tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Gains and Losses
Dear,
I heard this story recently.
A teacher had a bowl containing 3 apples.
He offered one to his student, who ate it happily.
After that, he asked the student how many apples were left, of which his student answered:
Three - one in his stomach, and 2 in the bowl.
The moral of the story is not to base gains and losses on the physical.
Isn't the apples that was eaten more of a gain than a loss?
As I thought about this, I realised that I did not actually lose you.
I gained you for six years, of which,
you had been a good girlfriend, then a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, and finally a good mummy. All this time, you were also a good daughter to your mummy.
In addition, you showed us by example how you would want Evan to be taken cared of and we'll continue it your way, even if it's the expensive way.
Your methods and values have influenced us, and from now on, lives with us and in us.
Evan will see your image in us and all of us will contribute to the mummy that you were.
You've performed your part perfectly and we've gained you in every where possible.
Now that you're gone, to continue to long for you, want more of you, or moan for the loss, would be greediness on our part.
Easier said then done though.
Easy to understand, but difficult to practice.
Maybe some master out there can help....
Waiting to Die
Dear,
tonight's 9pm show on Channel 8, shows chen han wei being informed by the doctor about having lung cancer. After that, he went into the toilet to cry. Seeing this scene, I suddenly remembered the time when you had your first heart attack.
Although you recovered somewhat in the hospital, and was resting at home, I know you were very very afraid that the next attack comes and then you do not wake up. I know you're very afraid because every night you demand that I wait for you to fall asleep before I can sleep.
I even remember the nights when you simply cry and cry because you're so frighten that you'll just die and leave behind everything, especially your mum. You said that she's the person that you're most worried about since she'll be alone in Singapore if that happens. That scene was so vivid in my mind now.
I remember telling you that you have to recover so that you can continue to take care of your mum, and I'm glad you eventually did recover, at least on the surface.
It so strange that after one year from the attack, we totally forgot that your health is actually still so delicate. I guess we were so looking forward to the baby that made us ignore all other things. At least that's what happened to me. I wonder if you ever thought about it.
Sometimes, I hate myself for being so forgetful. Forgetful that your health is so delicate. Forgetful that I should remind you to rest more.
Now it's too late.
And I can only seek solace in whatever religion that can offer me the best advise.
I hope I find it.
Watch over me, dear.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Explosion
Dear,
there was an explosion last tuesday.
Tuesdays have now become the moodiest day of the week. Ur mum suddenly popped the question and I was not prepared for it. She didn't like what she heard at all. She exploded and then I exploded.
As usual, nothing nice came out of my mouth during arguments, even when with you. Till today, she's still angry with me. Think she complained to nicole's parents in Hakka, so that I do not understand. I can only pretend I do not know.
Feima and your dad was around when it happened. I do not know what they think, and I dared not asked. I do not know how strong your dad is cause ur bro had caution bout ur dad bottling things up.
At least feima seems helpful after knowing the truth. She imparts her knowledge to me where possible. Sigh, I would love to employ feima permanently also. There's so much knowledge and experience in that body that I can never hope to know.
Dear, I think you feel the same way too. It's just our luck that things are this way. Maybe, someone up there thinks there're things we need to experienced on our own instead of relying totally on others. Maybe, that's what parenting is all about.
For now, I'll try my best to learn and learn and learn. Learn for me, and learn for you. Learn to take care of Evan, even if it means I have to do it myself from now on.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Things might have been different
Looking back at the past, there're so many ways things might have been different.
If only I noticed you're over-working and forced you to rest.
If only I rememberred to start you on your heart vitamins.
If only I insisted that you do the ablation so that you can improve.
If only feima is not so fussy about staying at my house.
If only your mum is not so fussy about staying at my house.
If only we had our own house.
If only you did not have Evan.
If only you quit after pregnancy.
If only you quit after the first attack.
If I believe a person's lifespan on earth is written in heaven, then no matter what was done, it'll not change the day you go away. What might change might be how you go, but would that make us feel any better, I do not know.
How deep is our love
It's true my dear and her mother have been together for over 30 years; and the bonds grew very strong when they were the only 2 in singapore for more than 10 years. They were more like sisters and good friends rather than just mother and daughter.
It's also true that, dear, I've only know you for 6 years, and we're married for only 3 years. Just based on years alone, there's no comaprison between your relationship with your mum versus that with me. Even after marriage, I can still feel the bonds between the 2 of you. I was never jealous cos I understand your bonds. You told me yourself that she's in 1st place and I'm in second. I know it'll take many years before I replace her, or maybe I never will. Yet, you're always in my 1st place. Even with Evan, you're 1st and Evan is second, even if you don't believe me.
I can't help but felt wronged when your mum take our love for each other so lightly. Maybe she's right that after some time, I'll get over you and find someone else. Maybe she not. It's something in the future and it's not what I want to think about now.
What I do know is that I prayed to god to give you my lifespan so that we might live happily together for a few more years before we die together.
What I do know is that I rather die with you, if there weren't Evan and my parents to take care of.
I do not know what these actions meant in terms of our love. Maybe it's just impulse, from the passion that is still fresh in our hearts. Love can only be tested by time, and that, we no longer have together.
Mother versus Mother
the 2 mothers were always friendly on the surface. But underneath, the hidden currents are strong and dangerous.
I was aware from the beginning that this currents exist, even when my dear was still alive. Yet, my mum-in-law still remain at my house to help take care of Evan. I know she did it out of love for her daughter and did not want her to be too tired from wokring and taking care of the baby. Of course, Evan was her daughter's so she love him and wanted the best care for him also. For all the help she has renderred, I'm deeply grateful and touched. She'll always be the best mum-in-law in my heart.
Since dear's death however, this hidden currents seems to have deepen considerably. Mainly due to the things my mother said while dear is still in the hospital, or after her death. Those words cuts my mum-in-law deeply but for her daughter, she chose to swallow them and remained silent about it.
My mum does not have a high EQ. Even towards many people, including myself, she show no regards for anyone's feeling by the way she speaks or act. Maybe she's just too rationale, too realistic. It's a fortunate thing, since she had help administerred the funeral while the rest of us were down with sorrow. I guess the world needs different kind of people for different purposes.
From a third party point of view, there're just to many explanations for and against the defence of any of them. The question is what role am I playing in this.
I was aware from the beginning that this currents exist, even when my dear was still alive. Yet, my mum-in-law still remain at my house to help take care of Evan. I know she did it out of love for her daughter and did not want her to be too tired from wokring and taking care of the baby. Of course, Evan was her daughter's so she love him and wanted the best care for him also. For all the help she has renderred, I'm deeply grateful and touched. She'll always be the best mum-in-law in my heart.
Since dear's death however, this hidden currents seems to have deepen considerably. Mainly due to the things my mother said while dear is still in the hospital, or after her death. Those words cuts my mum-in-law deeply but for her daughter, she chose to swallow them and remained silent about it.
My mum does not have a high EQ. Even towards many people, including myself, she show no regards for anyone's feeling by the way she speaks or act. Maybe she's just too rationale, too realistic. It's a fortunate thing, since she had help administerred the funeral while the rest of us were down with sorrow. I guess the world needs different kind of people for different purposes.
From a third party point of view, there're just to many explanations for and against the defence of any of them. The question is what role am I playing in this.
Dream
Dear,
it's such a coincidence that the night before I just wrote to you and straight away I dreamt about you.
It's the second time I dreamt of you actually. The first time was a week before, I dreamt about our happy times together. This time was different.
The setup was in your office and I believe was after your death, as Boon Chuan and I was around to help tidy you your belongings. However, this time, it seems to be much further down the years where you have shifted to a new office, and have a big office of your own, like those rich managers on TV, with a big office. Irene was in the dream as well but I've forgotten the details involving her.
As the dream goes on, some how, I was talking to you and you told me this...
"Next time, don't put the tube in my mouth. It was really painful"
Oh god, do you know the impact that caused me. Straight away I became aware I was dreaming and awoke. My heart was racing. Yet, I wanted to hear more and forced myself to sleep.
But I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. In fact, the more consciously I force myself to sleep, the more conscious I became.
I started recalling the first night you were in hospital. We called out to you and saw you tearing, saw you struggling, like in an attempt to wake up. Doctors told us it could be just natural reflects from your brain damage. I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not.
But if you were struggling because it was painful, dear, I do not know how to help you also. Your breathing had stopped and was relying on that tube to maintain your breathing. There's no way the doc will remove it. If only you had open your eyes, then maybe things might have been different.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
What is love
Dear,
After every tuesday, I try to keep myself busy during the day and make myself tired by the night so that I can fall asleep quickly. Going by this routine, I' able to make it through the week without feeling the weight in my heart. Only in occasional moments when I'm alone and could not sleep and could not do anything did it start hurting.
Having such an easy time easing my pain makes me think about our love.
I heard something today concerning love. In fact, I heard it a few times already but today it sinked in a little deeper. It says that today's people treated love too lightly and also diluted the meaning of love.
The saying "I love fish" at a dining table, means "I love the taste of fish in my mouth" rather than a genuine love for the fish; else I would have let it go instead of eating it. It made me think about my love for you. Did I really love you?
I used to like to say thing like, "I love the way you make me feel", "I love the little things you do, the quirks you have". Thinking back, you have been my companion, lover, friend, since we were together 6 years ago. To no one, did I share the things deepest in my heart, to no one do I share my troubles with. Evan came, and we became very busy everyday, fussing over him and fusing about him. Yet at no time did I not enjoy myself because you are by my side, sharing the joys and the troubles. Did I love the fact that you are willing to shared those things with me, or that I love you and hence shared them with you. I do not know.
I do know that by your leaving, that void in my heart, that was filled by you, came back. I'm scared of it and sorely misses you because of that.
I console myself by saying that I really do love you cos I'm willing to share everything I have with you, and trust you wholeheartedly even when there're others that doubt you. But sometimes I wonder if I did that out of responsibility and not love. Even the little surprise I try to give you once in a while to make you happy seems insignificant now.
I felt as if every feeling I ever had for you that is love or out of love has been a lie. A lie to you, and a lie to me.
Just what is love?
How do I know?
What can I do to prove it?
Sigh, does it really matter now?
So what if it has been love? So what if it was not?
It will not make me feel any better, if not worse right?
Let not my heart be trouble?
How I wish I know how it can be done?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Evan's sick
Dear,
Evan's sick.
He had fever last friday. Even though it's only a slight fever, not having you around made me panic. Last time, you'll be the one to panic, and I'll be the one assuring you and making the necessary decisions. Sigh, it's hard try to be both mummy and daddy at the same time.
Luckily, I contacted a few mummies and daddies for advice and gotten some reassurance that his fever is not serious, and also what to do should it get serious.
The others are suspecting that his upper teeth is coming out, that's why he's having a fever. Anyway, his fever died after giving him the second dose of paracetamol.
However, for the next two days, he had no appetite for anything other than watery porridge. Also, whenever he cries, he'll cough very hard. At first, I decided to bring him to kinder clinic as they have many branches around Singapore so it's easier to since he might be at your's or my house. But when his situation seems to get worse on sunday night, I decided to bring him to Dr Ngiam instead.
Dr Ngiam says he's having throat infection, and it's normal that he has no appetite. In fact, food produces toxin in the body and him having no appetite is the body's way of protecting itself, and hence no need to force him to eat. As usual, Dr Ngiam advises are very unconventional. Think none of the old folks agrees with him. It's lucky he got his appetite back so we do not need to test his theory.
Well, Dr Ngiam says it take Evan 10 days to recover. I'm just counting down to it now.
Evan's sick.
He had fever last friday. Even though it's only a slight fever, not having you around made me panic. Last time, you'll be the one to panic, and I'll be the one assuring you and making the necessary decisions. Sigh, it's hard try to be both mummy and daddy at the same time.
Luckily, I contacted a few mummies and daddies for advice and gotten some reassurance that his fever is not serious, and also what to do should it get serious.
The others are suspecting that his upper teeth is coming out, that's why he's having a fever. Anyway, his fever died after giving him the second dose of paracetamol.
However, for the next two days, he had no appetite for anything other than watery porridge. Also, whenever he cries, he'll cough very hard. At first, I decided to bring him to kinder clinic as they have many branches around Singapore so it's easier to since he might be at your's or my house. But when his situation seems to get worse on sunday night, I decided to bring him to Dr Ngiam instead.
Dr Ngiam says he's having throat infection, and it's normal that he has no appetite. In fact, food produces toxin in the body and him having no appetite is the body's way of protecting itself, and hence no need to force him to eat. As usual, Dr Ngiam advises are very unconventional. Think none of the old folks agrees with him. It's lucky he got his appetite back so we do not need to test his theory.
Well, Dr Ngiam says it take Evan 10 days to recover. I'm just counting down to it now.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Funeral
As devastated as we may be, there's still the funeral to be done.
Some times, I think there's much wisdom in chinese tradition. It forces upon the living the responsibility to conduct the funeral process so that the love ones have something to focus on and not collapse in pain and misery.
As Kuan Yee collapsed in her office, her corpse have to be sent to the state coroner to decide if an autopsy is to be performed. Try as we had, there's no way we could get Kuan Yee's body from the morgue any earlier than the stated time, which is the following day. It really pained us that we had to be separated at this point in time. However, this break gave us time to arrange the funeral which on hindsight, had been better, else everything would be decided in rush, which may leave us to regret any wrongly made decisions later.
We had chosen to run the wake for 5 days. That was the first decision to be made.
Knowing that this is the last few days we can stay with Kuan Yee, I was tempted to run the wake for 7 days. However, many of Kuan Yee's relatives have came from Ipoh to help out and to run it for so long would have been too taxing for them.
Following this, my uncle brought me to the undertaker, where we chose the type of setup for the wake - Buddhist, Taoist etc, coffin, the need for embalming, paper houses, food catering, rituals to perform etc. The undertaker is experienced and helped explained the various details to us and help make the necessary arrangements so that all we need to do are to following them step by step.
Next, we traveled around the various temples to decided on the place to perform the 49-day ritual following the cremation and also the final resting place for Kuan Yee's tablet. For the record, Kuan Yee's ashes is at Chua Chu Kang crematorium, E01-16 niche 170. Her tablet is at Fo Ya Shi temple opposite Maxwell market, position 107. That was the final task for the day, before we went home to pick a photo of Kuan Yee for the funeral. There're photos of us everywhere in my computer, some as recent as just 3 days before. My eyes was blurred with tears as I forced myself to go through each of them to pick the best one.
Throughout these period, my heart settled, sank to the pits, settled again, sank again, again and again and again. Even after we went home to rest, things did not changed. I could not remain at one position any longer than 5 minutes. The moment I sit or lay down, I feel myself going into a void and could not breath. I needed to move in order to keep myself from it. I'm aware my body is already very tired from the continuous round-the-clock staying at Kuan Yee's side in hospital, but I had no choice. I thought I might just move and move until the body eventually collapse. Thankfully, I managed to find myself an awkward position where I can finally rest. Even then, it was only a short rest, but was it enough. If it weren't for it, the torture from my heart would driven me to jump down the building.
When that suicidal thought crossed my mind, I realized that that action would have left my parents with the burden of bringing up my Evan. I decided than Evan will need to die with me. Then I realized that the 2 of us dying would be too great a pain for my parents and I decided that all four of us will have to go together. At that point, I stopped the wayward thoughts. I can't dragged Evan, and my parents into this for my own selfishness. They have the right to live their life to the fullest.
The following day, it took the better part of the morning to finally collect Kuan Yee's body. The undertaken took over from there to embalm and then dress Kuan Yee's up. She looks nice in one of her favorite dress. Back at the wake, we watched as the undertakers laid Kuan Yee's body into the coffin. All these while, the coffin is empty and I could imagine that the whole thing was just a game. Even after they laid her into the coffin, I was still at her side pleading with her to get up, and stop playing this prank on me. Sigh.
Things starts rolling almost immediately after. Soon, friends, colleagues, customers, relatives starts streaming in to pay their last respect to Kuan Yee. It was tough having to repeat the whole incident to each group, but as I went through it again and again, some how, the pain resided. Maybe the repeating of it over and over again, made me accept the situation some what, and made it easier to bear with her death.
However, as easy as it was, talking to the guest at the wake, once the people had left and I'm all alone, the void in my heart comes back. Fortunately, there's many people in the house and hence I do not have to sleep alone. That some what comforts me.
The days passes by quickly, and soon, we're on the final day. Having Kuan Yee in the coffin has been a comfort to me, as I could still walk up to her and talk to her. This would be the final day for that. I missed her so much. I was not allowed to follow the funeral procession or to see the cremation. Neither were her parents nor mine were allowed also. We could only wait for the tablet and photo to arrive at the temple eventually where we can see her again. This will be her resting place for the next 49 days, before we moved her again to Fo Ya Shi temple.
I thank all those that had helped out in the funeral and all that have came to console us and paid their last respect to Kuan Yee.
Especially to Kuan Yee's and my family, you folks offered your help in big and small ways, made me felt loved, when love have left my heart. Even though it's a different kind of love, it kept me warm and helped me carry on. I will not let you down by seeking the easy way out, or drowning myself in misery. I know Evan is the most important thing in my life now and I have much to do to bring him up. This would have been Kuan Yee's final wishes, and I'll do my best to fulfill them.
Some times, I think there's much wisdom in chinese tradition. It forces upon the living the responsibility to conduct the funeral process so that the love ones have something to focus on and not collapse in pain and misery.
As Kuan Yee collapsed in her office, her corpse have to be sent to the state coroner to decide if an autopsy is to be performed. Try as we had, there's no way we could get Kuan Yee's body from the morgue any earlier than the stated time, which is the following day. It really pained us that we had to be separated at this point in time. However, this break gave us time to arrange the funeral which on hindsight, had been better, else everything would be decided in rush, which may leave us to regret any wrongly made decisions later.
We had chosen to run the wake for 5 days. That was the first decision to be made.
Knowing that this is the last few days we can stay with Kuan Yee, I was tempted to run the wake for 7 days. However, many of Kuan Yee's relatives have came from Ipoh to help out and to run it for so long would have been too taxing for them.
Following this, my uncle brought me to the undertaker, where we chose the type of setup for the wake - Buddhist, Taoist etc, coffin, the need for embalming, paper houses, food catering, rituals to perform etc. The undertaker is experienced and helped explained the various details to us and help make the necessary arrangements so that all we need to do are to following them step by step.
Next, we traveled around the various temples to decided on the place to perform the 49-day ritual following the cremation and also the final resting place for Kuan Yee's tablet. For the record, Kuan Yee's ashes is at Chua Chu Kang crematorium, E01-16 niche 170. Her tablet is at Fo Ya Shi temple opposite Maxwell market, position 107. That was the final task for the day, before we went home to pick a photo of Kuan Yee for the funeral. There're photos of us everywhere in my computer, some as recent as just 3 days before. My eyes was blurred with tears as I forced myself to go through each of them to pick the best one.
Throughout these period, my heart settled, sank to the pits, settled again, sank again, again and again and again. Even after we went home to rest, things did not changed. I could not remain at one position any longer than 5 minutes. The moment I sit or lay down, I feel myself going into a void and could not breath. I needed to move in order to keep myself from it. I'm aware my body is already very tired from the continuous round-the-clock staying at Kuan Yee's side in hospital, but I had no choice. I thought I might just move and move until the body eventually collapse. Thankfully, I managed to find myself an awkward position where I can finally rest. Even then, it was only a short rest, but was it enough. If it weren't for it, the torture from my heart would driven me to jump down the building.
When that suicidal thought crossed my mind, I realized that that action would have left my parents with the burden of bringing up my Evan. I decided than Evan will need to die with me. Then I realized that the 2 of us dying would be too great a pain for my parents and I decided that all four of us will have to go together. At that point, I stopped the wayward thoughts. I can't dragged Evan, and my parents into this for my own selfishness. They have the right to live their life to the fullest.
The following day, it took the better part of the morning to finally collect Kuan Yee's body. The undertaken took over from there to embalm and then dress Kuan Yee's up. She looks nice in one of her favorite dress. Back at the wake, we watched as the undertakers laid Kuan Yee's body into the coffin. All these while, the coffin is empty and I could imagine that the whole thing was just a game. Even after they laid her into the coffin, I was still at her side pleading with her to get up, and stop playing this prank on me. Sigh.
Things starts rolling almost immediately after. Soon, friends, colleagues, customers, relatives starts streaming in to pay their last respect to Kuan Yee. It was tough having to repeat the whole incident to each group, but as I went through it again and again, some how, the pain resided. Maybe the repeating of it over and over again, made me accept the situation some what, and made it easier to bear with her death.
However, as easy as it was, talking to the guest at the wake, once the people had left and I'm all alone, the void in my heart comes back. Fortunately, there's many people in the house and hence I do not have to sleep alone. That some what comforts me.
The days passes by quickly, and soon, we're on the final day. Having Kuan Yee in the coffin has been a comfort to me, as I could still walk up to her and talk to her. This would be the final day for that. I missed her so much. I was not allowed to follow the funeral procession or to see the cremation. Neither were her parents nor mine were allowed also. We could only wait for the tablet and photo to arrive at the temple eventually where we can see her again. This will be her resting place for the next 49 days, before we moved her again to Fo Ya Shi temple.
I thank all those that had helped out in the funeral and all that have came to console us and paid their last respect to Kuan Yee.
Especially to Kuan Yee's and my family, you folks offered your help in big and small ways, made me felt loved, when love have left my heart. Even though it's a different kind of love, it kept me warm and helped me carry on. I will not let you down by seeking the easy way out, or drowning myself in misery. I know Evan is the most important thing in my life now and I have much to do to bring him up. This would have been Kuan Yee's final wishes, and I'll do my best to fulfill them.
The day my life changes
It was CNY 2011 and we as a family were happily immerse in the festive mood around us.
During the last few months, my mother in law has been living with us at my parents house to help take care of Evan. To my MIL, please accept my great gratitude for this sacrifice you've made for Kuan Yee and myself.
While KY have not said anything, I do know that this sacrifice you made has made her very happy and relief. It definitely beats the other options like rearing Evan in Ipoh or even rearing Evan at MIL's house. To show our appreciation, we did our best to quickly find a maid to help you with taking care of Evan. Unfortunately, fortune is not with us and we repeatedly missed opportunities while waiting for one which eventually did not qualify.
We had the best of time in Ipoh enjoying our CNY break. It was tiring cos we relief MIL from taking care of Evan during this period. It was tiring, but we were enjoying every bit of it; even stealing time, while Evan is asleep, to be intimate. It was a very happy time indeed.
Back in Singapore, we were looking forward to working. Not that working is fun, but that with that, MIL will resume taking care of Evan and we can get some much needed rest.
14 Feb 2011.
It's our first day of work since CNY and we're busy as usual preparing ourselves for work; but we never forget to giving Evan a loving hug before we leave. Who would have known that will be the last hug from Evan's loving mummy.
Knowing it was valentines day, I took a quick lunch and quick went out to buy the rose (soft toy) I faithfully got her every valentines day. I gotten more this time. How surprise she would be to find roses in her drawer later this evening.
After lunch, KY sms'ed me telling me the maid had failed her test. We texted a few rounds to discuss the way ahead and suddenly KY stopped replying. This is not strange to me since her phone is always busy. I continued with my work and waited.
30 min later, her colleagues called to say that they've found her collapsed at her desk and had called for an ambulance. This is also not strange to me. 3 years ago, she collapsed for the first time and was when she was found to have irregular heartbeat - the fatal type. But, I thought that like the last time, she'll wake up after a while and by the time I reached hospital, I'll be able to see her tired face, consoling her, telling her I'm around and not to be afraid.
I was wrong.
Her heart had stopped and with great effort from the docs, KY's heart managed to resume beating. However, the heart is weak and medication have to be administered to maintain her blood pressure. Her lungs is also not moving and machines have to be used to keep her breathing. Doctors cautioned that this is probably the last 48 hours of her life.
We did not believe.
We know that there's noting science can do, so MIL and I turned to the super natural in hope for a solution. We toiled for the next 2 days, seeking help from many masters and their deities. It gave us hope. We were able to remain strong for KY. Staying at her side, touching her, calling out to her continuously, in hope of reviving her.
However, she never woke up. Deep down, I know her situation is getting worse. The medication administered gets stronger and stronger, and finally...
16 Feb 2011
(early morning)
The doctors ran out of options.
My brother in law and I quickly gathered the family members, for our last goodbyes to KY.
Finally, the doctors came out, I knew this was it. Oh god, the pain was so great I could not breathe.
Dear,
everyone was there to see you
Your mum and dad, your brother, your cousins and relatives, my cousins and relatives, my mum and dad, our boy, and me.
If you could sensed us in your last moments, I'll be very relief that our love could accompany you as you departed.
During the last few months, my mother in law has been living with us at my parents house to help take care of Evan. To my MIL, please accept my great gratitude for this sacrifice you've made for Kuan Yee and myself.
While KY have not said anything, I do know that this sacrifice you made has made her very happy and relief. It definitely beats the other options like rearing Evan in Ipoh or even rearing Evan at MIL's house. To show our appreciation, we did our best to quickly find a maid to help you with taking care of Evan. Unfortunately, fortune is not with us and we repeatedly missed opportunities while waiting for one which eventually did not qualify.
We had the best of time in Ipoh enjoying our CNY break. It was tiring cos we relief MIL from taking care of Evan during this period. It was tiring, but we were enjoying every bit of it; even stealing time, while Evan is asleep, to be intimate. It was a very happy time indeed.
Back in Singapore, we were looking forward to working. Not that working is fun, but that with that, MIL will resume taking care of Evan and we can get some much needed rest.
14 Feb 2011.
It's our first day of work since CNY and we're busy as usual preparing ourselves for work; but we never forget to giving Evan a loving hug before we leave. Who would have known that will be the last hug from Evan's loving mummy.
Knowing it was valentines day, I took a quick lunch and quick went out to buy the rose (soft toy) I faithfully got her every valentines day. I gotten more this time. How surprise she would be to find roses in her drawer later this evening.
After lunch, KY sms'ed me telling me the maid had failed her test. We texted a few rounds to discuss the way ahead and suddenly KY stopped replying. This is not strange to me since her phone is always busy. I continued with my work and waited.
30 min later, her colleagues called to say that they've found her collapsed at her desk and had called for an ambulance. This is also not strange to me. 3 years ago, she collapsed for the first time and was when she was found to have irregular heartbeat - the fatal type. But, I thought that like the last time, she'll wake up after a while and by the time I reached hospital, I'll be able to see her tired face, consoling her, telling her I'm around and not to be afraid.
I was wrong.
Her heart had stopped and with great effort from the docs, KY's heart managed to resume beating. However, the heart is weak and medication have to be administered to maintain her blood pressure. Her lungs is also not moving and machines have to be used to keep her breathing. Doctors cautioned that this is probably the last 48 hours of her life.
We did not believe.
We know that there's noting science can do, so MIL and I turned to the super natural in hope for a solution. We toiled for the next 2 days, seeking help from many masters and their deities. It gave us hope. We were able to remain strong for KY. Staying at her side, touching her, calling out to her continuously, in hope of reviving her.
However, she never woke up. Deep down, I know her situation is getting worse. The medication administered gets stronger and stronger, and finally...
16 Feb 2011
(early morning)
The doctors ran out of options.
My brother in law and I quickly gathered the family members, for our last goodbyes to KY.
Finally, the doctors came out, I knew this was it. Oh god, the pain was so great I could not breathe.
Dear,
everyone was there to see you
Your mum and dad, your brother, your cousins and relatives, my cousins and relatives, my mum and dad, our boy, and me.
If you could sensed us in your last moments, I'll be very relief that our love could accompany you as you departed.
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