After every tuesday, I try to keep myself busy during the day and make myself tired by the night so that I can fall asleep quickly. Going by this routine, I' able to make it through the week without feeling the weight in my heart. Only in occasional moments when I'm alone and could not sleep and could not do anything did it start hurting.
Having such an easy time easing my pain makes me think about our love.
I heard something today concerning love. In fact, I heard it a few times already but today it sinked in a little deeper. It says that today's people treated love too lightly and also diluted the meaning of love.
The saying "I love fish" at a dining table, means "I love the taste of fish in my mouth" rather than a genuine love for the fish; else I would have let it go instead of eating it. It made me think about my love for you. Did I really love you?
I used to like to say thing like, "I love the way you make me feel", "I love the little things you do, the quirks you have". Thinking back, you have been my companion, lover, friend, since we were together 6 years ago. To no one, did I share the things deepest in my heart, to no one do I share my troubles with. Evan came, and we became very busy everyday, fussing over him and fusing about him. Yet at no time did I not enjoy myself because you are by my side, sharing the joys and the troubles. Did I love the fact that you are willing to shared those things with me, or that I love you and hence shared them with you. I do not know.
I do know that by your leaving, that void in my heart, that was filled by you, came back. I'm scared of it and sorely misses you because of that.
I console myself by saying that I really do love you cos I'm willing to share everything I have with you, and trust you wholeheartedly even when there're others that doubt you. But sometimes I wonder if I did that out of responsibility and not love. Even the little surprise I try to give you once in a while to make you happy seems insignificant now.
I felt as if every feeling I ever had for you that is love or out of love has been a lie. A lie to you, and a lie to me.
Just what is love?
How do I know?
What can I do to prove it?
Sigh, does it really matter now?
So what if it has been love? So what if it was not?
It will not make me feel any better, if not worse right?
Let not my heart be trouble?
How I wish I know how it can be done?
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