I'm not getting better

Dear,

I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.

Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.

Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...

We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.

I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.

In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.

I not recovering at all.

I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.

I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.

Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.