Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, dear.

As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.

I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.

It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.

I miss him so much.