49th Day

Dear,

finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.

Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.

Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?

At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.

I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.

I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.

Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.