不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有

Is this how I should think?

Living life to the fullest

Dear,

I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Fann Wong showed a teenage girl a little girl who has cancer and diabetes.
This little girl has undergone many major and minor ops and suffer more pain than most of us ever known. She do not know when she's gonna die, yet, from her vibrant ad colorful paintings, it can be seen that she's enjoying each and everyday.

I think back to 2 months ago, and somehow felt that you seems to have acted a little differently from normal. You showed more energy and actively took care of Evan and do many things which you'll usual not do.

Did you know your time is running out, and decided to do as much, live as much, as you can?

If you did, I bet you must have enjoyed your life (even your work) to the fullest until the time you collapse. Most people would have been suffering in bed in the last hours of their life. I should be glad that you did not have to suffer that way.

Sigh, while that might have been the best for you, your abrupt leaving, left me with void so suddenly, that it seems to be sucking the life out of me. I really miss you, dear. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So much. So much.

Dear,

I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Chen Han Wei's wife had a neck injury and need to wear neck support.
She was feeling down and wanted to go back to the room to rest.
Chen Han Wei said something funny, and she smiled and asked him not to make her laugh.

At that, I remembered the time you had appendicitis.
After the operation, the scar was painful.
When I joked with you, you tried not to laugh and told me not to make you laugh.
But yet, I know you like the way I entertain you.
Life was so nice and blissful then. I felt your happiness and was happy that I could make you happy.

Sigh, if only time would go back.

Dinner Dream

Dear,

I dream of you again last night.
It seems it's always on sunday or monday nigths.

This time, we going to have some dinner at some place that requires us to queue for entry.
Seems like it needs SAFRA card or each of us, probably for some discount or something.
As I rushed to the place, I forgotten to bring one of the 2 SAFRA cards that we had.
I thought of going back to get it but as I rushed for time, I did not - hoping for the best.

Some how, Feima was helping to queue for us in advance.
I reached there first and accompanied Feima as we waited for you.
Later on, you arrived.
It seems you've not seen Feima for some time, and started asking her about how had she been.

I told you that I have forgotten one of the cards, but you said that we just need to pay extra.
Some how, I gradually woke up at this point.
The difference is that I did not realized you were dead like what happened previously.
I wonder why.


I guess this dream was probably due to the lunch I had with Dennis and Kai Chee that day.
I was imagining, maybe longing, for a romantic dinner with you.

Sigh, I did not even have a chance to celebrate our Anniversary and Valentines day with you this year.

Friend's of Jelita

Dear, do you remember the Friend's of Jelita restuarant in Jelita building.

I went there with Dennis and Kai Chee yesterday to have lunch. Dennis just returned from trip and came with Kai Chee to visit me to see how I was doing after you've left. They asked me where (nearby) I would like to go for lunch and I suggest Friend's of Jelita since it's some place we thought of going to previously.

Back then, we visited Jelita only for its cold storage and watson to get Evan's stuffs. We were always rushing since we felt guilty about going out and enjoying ourselves and leaving you mum at home with Evan. Now that I think back, what's a couple hours gonna help with? Even if we're concerned about saving money, what's a good meal once in a while gonna do to our savings. These private couple time is just as essential, no matter what's our responsibilities and liabilities. If only I think through these earlier. At least we could have spent more time together.

I don't remember Friend's of Jelita as a very expensive place; or at least that's what the deco suggested. But when we went there yesterday, I realised, that it's more posh than I rememberred it to be. I thought I might have brought them to some expensive place. Turns out the price isn't very expensive. It's cheaper than say Bistro 301 at Pasir Panjang. Of course, we were having their set lunch, which could be the reason why it was cheaper.

When we went in, what we saw all around were couples and more couples. We were the only 3-guy group in the whole restuarant. Think Dennis and Kai Chee must have been feeling rather awkward about that. i was rather sad because all those couples reminded me of us, and how it can never happen anymore. I kept those feelings to myself as I do not want them to worry.

Anyway, the foods not too bad. The set lunch is a 3-course meal with pretty small portions. But surprisingly, I felt full after everything. On the whole, not a bad place for food and ambience; If only I could go with you...

6 Weeks Ago

Dear,

6 weeks ago, at this time, we were happily enjoying our short period of freedom at TESCO, then a baby shop, where we bought the play mat for Evan. Then you decided that you have not eaten "lok lok" for a long long time and we went for some. I even burnt my hand on the side of the metal pot, but the scar is gone now. We were so enjoying ourselves that you warned me not to mentioned "lok lok" to your mum in case she scolds us for not bringing her along.

sigh... 6 weeks ago.
who would have know you will leave all of us behind just 5 days after that.
i still missed you so badly.

do you know that since I knew you, my life revolved around doing things to make you happy.
I've done so much with you in mind, that now, everywhere I turn to, there're things that remind me of you and what I had done for you. I've also lost interest in many things, even techie stuffs which I was so interested in prevously. This is because, you're no longer around to enjoy them with me.

I missed you so badly
I missed you soo badly

Baby lullabies

Evan was sleeping on the way home from SAFRA, so I thought I play the baby lullabies to let him sleep better. All was fine all the way back to the carpark where everyone dropped off.

Alone, I drove the car up the carpark to find a lot. Along the way, I recalled the period when Evan just came and I always play these baby lullabies to help him sleep. We used to lay him on our bed and lie down on either side of him to accompany him while the music played. Life was so blissful with you and Evan next to me.

I missed you so badly, dear.

Dream Again

Dear,

Monday night I dream of you again.
This time the place was in some room, and both of us were relaxing on a bed watching TV.
We were watching the Channel 8 7pm show "Ai".
It's quite strange, however, as in this version of the show, Wen Jie and Jia Ling is a couple instead; but it seems that they have not revealed their feelings for each other yet.
Jia Ling was distressed for some reason and Wen Jie pluck up enough courage to hold her hands to comfort her. Jia Ling smiled blissfully during that time. It was not a very entertaining show, so we entertained ourselves with some hanky panky stuffs. Some how, we starting talking about exercise and I suggested badminton. You didn't agree or reject to it, but only mentioned that you cannot pay me for the game.

Now that I think about this, it's so strange cos we've never played badminton together before. Even then, there shouldn't be any problem for you to pay for it, if you needed to.

Some how, in the dream, i seems to understand why you could not pay, and said I'll "sponsor" you instead. But given this issue of money, I thought maybe we could go blading instead. I then remembered the times we went blading together, and then all of a sudden, I realized that we can never go blading together anymore, cos you're gone. At this point, I woke up.

These are such strange dreams, I had of you.

You always only say one sentence to me.

If only I understood what these dreams meant...

Another week has passed

Dear,

this weekend was the second time i put evan on the play mat.
Last week, when i first put him there, he did not crawl. It seems like he's used to crawling on soft surfaces like mattresses and sofas, which offers him lots of friction for his knees.
But once on the plat mat, which is rather smooth, his knees keeps slipping and he could not move forward. It frustrated him so much he cried; because he could not reached his toys.

But this week, he finally moved, although it was only 2 steps. This is because i only assembled a 4x4 grid which for his height is quite short. I didn't realise he could get over it so quickly. In fact, while learning to crawl, he even managed to put himself into a sitting position, twice, and sit without hand support for a while.

While I watched him learn and grow, I can't help but cry and wish that you were also here to see all this and share the surprises and joys with me. I remember the time when we were trying to "force" Evan to drink his milk, but he keep rejecting. You pretended you were angry and scolded him. To our surprise, he scolded you back. It was so funny we roll over with laughter. I really missed those times.

I know those times will not come back, but it's really hard not to long for them.

Sometimes, I still hope that the hospital has mixed you up someone that looks like you. With all the equipment around your face, we wrongly identified you as well. Somewhere, somehow, you recoverred from your collapse but maybe loss your memory and is currently recuperating. Some day, we'll see each other on the street and that jolted your memory back. We then hug each other and cry right there and then; just like in the movies.

How I wished that this miracle will happen.

Last night, I dreamt about you again.
Try as I might, I can't remember the story, but I know there was a choice between two options that you have to make and you chose one that seems to be influenced by me. I asked you if that was true, but you asked that it does not matter, and gave me the expression that it does not matter anymore since you were already dead.

I forgotten the dream cos I did not immediately write it down. Next time, I'll put a notebook and pen next to me. I want to remember and note down anything and everything about you. We took that for granted and now, we pay the price of not having enough memories of the few years we had together.

I'll not make that mistake for Evan.
Please help me remember should I forget.

First day of work

Dear,

today i went back to work for the first time after you've gone.

Morning was especially bad.

I missed waking up with you.

I missed dressing up for work with you.

I missed eating breakfast with you.

I missed passing you the Home section of the Straits Times to you, while I read the Main section.

I missed leaving the house with you.

I missed walking to our cars with you.

I missed saying bye bye to you while you board your car.

I missed trailing your car all the way to queenstown mrt then you go left while i go right.

I missed winking at you when you car parked next to mine at the traffic light

I missed going to work with you.

I missed you so badly.

My tears rolled out uncontrollably just thinking of these.

I could only hug Evan while I cry.

Strangely, today, Evan actually place his cheek next to mine and hugged me back.

That somewhat gave me some comfort.

I hope he continues to do that tomorrow.

Gains and Losses

Dear,

I heard this story recently.

A teacher had a bowl containing 3 apples.

He offered one to his student, who ate it happily.

After that, he asked the student how many apples were left, of which his student answered:

Three - one in his stomach, and 2 in the bowl.

The moral of the story is not to base gains and losses on the physical.

Isn't the apples that was eaten more of a gain than a loss?

As I thought about this, I realised that I did not actually lose you.

I gained you for six years, of which,

you had been a good girlfriend, then a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, and finally a good mummy. All this time, you were also a good daughter to your mummy.

In addition, you showed us by example how you would want Evan to be taken cared of and we'll continue it your way, even if it's the expensive way.

Your methods and values have influenced us, and from now on, lives with us and in us.

Evan will see your image in us and all of us will contribute to the mummy that you were.

You've performed your part perfectly and we've gained you in every where possible.

Now that you're gone, to continue to long for you, want more of you, or moan for the loss, would be greediness on our part.

Easier said then done though.

Easy to understand, but difficult to practice.

Maybe some master out there can help....

Waiting to Die

Dear,

tonight's 9pm show on Channel 8, shows chen han wei being informed by the doctor about having lung cancer. After that, he went into the toilet to cry. Seeing this scene, I suddenly remembered the time when you had your first heart attack.

Although you recovered somewhat in the hospital, and was resting at home, I know you were very very afraid that the next attack comes and then you do not wake up. I know you're very afraid because every night you demand that I wait for you to fall asleep before I can sleep.

I even remember the nights when you simply cry and cry because you're so frighten that you'll just die and leave behind everything, especially your mum. You said that she's the person that you're most worried about since she'll be alone in Singapore if that happens. That scene was so vivid in my mind now.

I remember telling you that you have to recover so that you can continue to take care of your mum, and I'm glad you eventually did recover, at least on the surface.

It so strange that after one year from the attack, we totally forgot that your health is actually still so delicate. I guess we were so looking forward to the baby that made us ignore all other things. At least that's what happened to me. I wonder if you ever thought about it.

Sometimes, I hate myself for being so forgetful. Forgetful that your health is so delicate. Forgetful that I should remind you to rest more.

Now it's too late.

And I can only seek solace in whatever religion that can offer me the best advise.

I hope I find it.

Watch over me, dear.

Explosion

Dear,

there was an explosion last tuesday.

Tuesdays have now become the moodiest day of the week. Ur mum suddenly popped the question and I was not prepared for it. She didn't like what she heard at all. She exploded and then I exploded.

As usual, nothing nice came out of my mouth during arguments, even when with you. Till today, she's still angry with me. Think she complained to nicole's parents in Hakka, so that I do not understand. I can only pretend I do not know.

Feima and your dad was around when it happened. I do not know what they think, and I dared not asked. I do not know how strong your dad is cause ur bro had caution bout ur dad bottling things up.

At least feima seems helpful after knowing the truth. She imparts her knowledge to me where possible. Sigh, I would love to employ feima permanently also. There's so much knowledge and experience in that body that I can never hope to know.

Dear, I think you feel the same way too. It's just our luck that things are this way. Maybe, someone up there thinks there're things we need to experienced on our own instead of relying totally on others. Maybe, that's what parenting is all about.

For now, I'll try my best to learn and learn and learn. Learn for me, and learn for you. Learn to take care of Evan, even if it means I have to do it myself from now on.

Things might have been different

Looking back at the past, there're so many ways things might have been different.

If only I noticed you're over-working and forced you to rest.

If only I rememberred to start you on your heart vitamins.

If only I insisted that you do the ablation so that you can improve.

If only feima is not so fussy about staying at my house.

If only your mum is not so fussy about staying at my house.

If only we had our own house.

If only you did not have Evan.

If only you quit after pregnancy.

If only you quit after the first attack.

If I believe a person's lifespan on earth is written in heaven, then no matter what was done, it'll not change the day you go away. What might change might be how you go, but would that make us feel any better, I do not know.

How deep is our love

It's true my dear and her mother have been together for over 30 years; and the bonds grew very strong when they were the only 2 in singapore for more than 10 years. They were more like sisters and good friends rather than just mother and daughter.

It's also true that, dear, I've only know you for 6 years, and we're married for only 3 years. Just based on years alone, there's no comaprison between your relationship with your mum versus that with me. Even after marriage, I can still feel the bonds between the 2 of you. I was never jealous cos I understand your bonds. You told me yourself that she's in 1st place and I'm in second. I know it'll take many years before I replace her, or maybe I never will. Yet, you're always in my 1st place. Even with Evan, you're 1st and Evan is second, even if you don't believe me.

I can't help but felt wronged when your mum take our love for each other so lightly. Maybe she's right that after some time, I'll get over you and find someone else. Maybe she not. It's something in the future and it's not what I want to think about now.

What I do know is that I prayed to god to give you my lifespan so that we might live happily together for a few more years before we die together.

What I do know is that I rather die with you, if there weren't Evan and my parents to take care of.

I do not know what these actions meant in terms of our love. Maybe it's just impulse, from the passion that is still fresh in our hearts. Love can only be tested by time, and that, we no longer have together.

Mother versus Mother

the 2 mothers were always friendly on the surface. But underneath, the hidden currents are strong and dangerous.


I was aware from the beginning that this currents exist, even when my dear was still alive. Yet, my mum-in-law still remain at my house to help take care of Evan. I know she did it out of love for her daughter and did not want her to be too tired from wokring and taking care of the baby. Of course, Evan was her daughter's so she love him and wanted the best care for him also. For all the help she has renderred, I'm deeply grateful and touched. She'll always be the best mum-in-law in my heart.


Since dear's death however, this hidden currents seems to have deepen considerably. Mainly due to the things my mother said while dear is still in the hospital, or after her death. Those words cuts my mum-in-law deeply but for her daughter, she chose to swallow them and remained silent about it.


My mum does not have a high EQ. Even towards many people, including myself, she show no regards for anyone's feeling by the way she speaks or act. Maybe she's just too rationale, too realistic. It's a fortunate thing, since she had help administerred the funeral while the rest of us were down with sorrow. I guess the world needs different kind of people for different purposes.


From a third party point of view, there're just to many explanations for and against the defence of any of them. The question is what role am I playing in this.

Dream

Dear,

it's such a coincidence that the night before I just wrote to you and straight away I dreamt about you.

It's the second time I dreamt of you actually. The first time was a week before, I dreamt about our happy times together. This time was different.

The setup was in your office and I believe was after your death, as Boon Chuan and I was around to help tidy you your belongings. However, this time, it seems to be much further down the years where you have shifted to a new office, and have a big office of your own, like those rich managers on TV, with a big office. Irene was in the dream as well but I've forgotten the details involving her.

As the dream goes on, some how, I was talking to you and you told me this...

"Next time, don't put the tube in my mouth. It was really painful"

Oh god, do you know the impact that caused me. Straight away I became aware I was dreaming and awoke. My heart was racing. Yet, I wanted to hear more and forced myself to sleep.

But I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. In fact, the more consciously I force myself to sleep, the more conscious I became.

I started recalling the first night you were in hospital. We called out to you and saw you tearing, saw you struggling, like in an attempt to wake up. Doctors told us it could be just natural reflects from your brain damage. I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not.

But if you were struggling because it was painful, dear, I do not know how to help you also. Your breathing had stopped and was relying on that tube to maintain your breathing. There's no way the doc will remove it. If only you had open your eyes, then maybe things might have been different.

What is love

Dear,

After every tuesday, I try to keep myself busy during the day and make myself tired by the night so that I can fall asleep quickly. Going by this routine, I' able to make it through the week without feeling the weight in my heart. Only in occasional moments when I'm alone and could not sleep and could not do anything did it start hurting.

Having such an easy time easing my pain makes me think about our love.

I heard something today concerning love. In fact, I heard it a few times already but today it sinked in a little deeper. It says that today's people treated love too lightly and also diluted the meaning of love.

The saying "I love fish" at a dining table, means "I love the taste of fish in my mouth" rather than a genuine love for the fish; else I would have let it go instead of eating it. It made me think about my love for you. Did I really love you?

I used to like to say thing like, "I love the way you make me feel", "I love the little things you do, the quirks you have". Thinking back, you have been my companion, lover, friend, since we were together 6 years ago. To no one, did I share the things deepest in my heart, to no one do I share my troubles with. Evan came, and we became very busy everyday, fussing over him and fusing about him. Yet at no time did I not enjoy myself because you are by my side, sharing the joys and the troubles. Did I love the fact that you are willing to shared those things with me, or that I love you and hence shared them with you. I do not know.

I do know that by your leaving, that void in my heart, that was filled by you, came back. I'm scared of it and sorely misses you because of that.

I console myself by saying that I really do love you cos I'm willing to share everything I have with you, and trust you wholeheartedly even when there're others that doubt you. But sometimes I wonder if I did that out of responsibility and not love. Even the little surprise I try to give you once in a while to make you happy seems insignificant now.

I felt as if every feeling I ever had for you that is love or out of love has been a lie. A lie to you, and a lie to me.

Just what is love?

How do I know?

What can I do to prove it?

Sigh, does it really matter now?

So what if it has been love? So what if it was not?

It will not make me feel any better, if not worse right?

Let not my heart be trouble?

How I wish I know how it can be done?

Evan's sick

Dear,

Evan's sick.

He had fever last friday. Even though it's only a slight fever, not having you around made me panic. Last time, you'll be the one to panic, and I'll be the one assuring you and making the necessary decisions. Sigh, it's hard try to be both mummy and daddy at the same time.

Luckily, I contacted a few mummies and daddies for advice and gotten some reassurance that his fever is not serious, and also what to do should it get serious.

The others are suspecting that his upper teeth is coming out, that's why he's having a fever. Anyway, his fever died after giving him the second dose of paracetamol.

However, for the next two days, he had no appetite for anything other than watery porridge. Also, whenever he cries, he'll cough very hard. At first, I decided to bring him to kinder clinic as they have many branches around Singapore so it's easier to since he might be at your's or my house. But when his situation seems to get worse on sunday night, I decided to bring him to Dr Ngiam instead.

Dr Ngiam says he's having throat infection, and it's normal that he has no appetite. In fact, food produces toxin in the body and him having no appetite is the body's way of protecting itself, and hence no need to force him to eat. As usual, Dr Ngiam advises are very unconventional. Think none of the old folks agrees with him. It's lucky he got his appetite back so we do not need to test his theory.

Well, Dr Ngiam says it take Evan 10 days to recover. I'm just counting down to it now.