You know, dear,
Within the last week, I've dreamt of you at least twice.
one time, the dream started after your death; but instead of heart attack, you were lost in the sea. I was hoping that I'll see you again, since you were only lost wtih no body found. And it was strange that we actually made you a body for the funeral previously. In the end, you did come back to me. It felt so good to be holding you again.
another time, we took in a poor tiny frog and kept it in another room. Then we went to bed. I keep thinking the frog will hop out of the room and accidentally jump into my mouth, which was very disgusting. In the morning, the frog turned into a fairy and I went out to buy clothes for her. Then I went back to bed where you were still sleeping soundly.
I remembered there was a another dream with you in it. But can't remember the details.
It's really nice to be dreaming about you and holding you, dear.
Makes me very happy, and yet misses you even more.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
NDP 2012
Dear,
It’s NDP period again. Every year this period, we would apply for the NDP tickets. For all these years we were together, we were never successful. Come to think of it, these years we were together, we never really did much, esp. after we got married. We just stayed together and watch the days goes by. Maybe at the back of our mind thinking that there’s still so many years ahead of us, and there’s no need to rush to do everything. Who would have thought our time together would be so short right? I don’t even have much photos of you to look at.
Still, our time together has been my happiest time of my life. I hope they have been yours too, dear.
Were you at Hoong’s house-warming that night?
Your grandma said you were there.
Your mum said Evan was calling mummy into some empty area.
Were you really there?
Did you show up cos all your family members were there?
Why can’t you show up at my house? I’m there. Evan’s there also. Sometimes, even your mum.
A least let Evan see you and play with you right?
Let him know his mummy still loves him enough to come play with him.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Happy mothers day
Dear,
It's been a while since I've written to you.
Hope you can feel happy for me since it probably means I'm getting better.
Yet on this day, I can't help remembering the first time you collapsed. I bought my first gps device and insists that I tag along your lunch appt at compass point just to test out the gps.
Thank goodness for that since I was around and able to do something when you suddenly collapse on the wheel on our way home.
Back then, I thought that was it. Even though you woke up after 10 min, your situation wasn't optimistic so I was prepared for the worst. Yet I told you to be brave and not to give up. I was glad that you listened and in the end, we were able to enjoy another 3 year together, and even had little Evan.
Why did you not wake up the second time? I was talking to you endlessly for hours to tell you to not give up and quickly wake up. Did you not hear me? Or did you feel that life was too tough and it's easier to just forget about it. Did you forget about the rest of us that needs you?
I recently bought a DVD on children songs for Evan. There's this song on separation anxiety called "my mummy comes back". It keeps repeating the phrase "my mummy comes back. She always comes back. She never will forget me". The video is really heart warming yet I'm sad cos Evan can never experience it for his mummy. I hope his daddy can be a adequate substitute so that he won't feel the difference.
You've not come into my dreams for a while, dear. Pls come. I really missed you.
I love you.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
If Only I Could Time Travel
Dear,
After so long, I finally dreamt of you again.
This time I got hold of some time machine and was able to go back in time to before your death to alter the event.
In one of them, I was able to prevent the tragic day, but while you did not die, the doctor discoverred that your body is still slow deteriorating. While I know the serousness of the issue, the doctors decided only to do something about it only one day later cos it was a sunday. As such, we did not managed to save you.
Therefore I time travel again to CNY period in ipoh where I decided to appear to you in my future form. I explained to you what had happened and gotten you to agree, in principle, to quit your job.
Later I wrote a note to my past self and explained the coming events and instructed you on how to handle it. I also explained to you that it is likely that my past self will be the only breadwinner if I want you to live. I passed him a future cell phone and instruct myself to see how to monetise this asset.
I getting more and more awake by then and my concious self is taking over the imagination. So no point going further about it. But I was glad I was able to give you a hug in the dream.
Thanks for coming into my dream, dear.
I love you.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Evan's Going to School
Dear,
Last Thursday I was so happy.
Evan have been wailing so loudly everyday in school for the first two weeks. It was so bad I think he became famous and known to every staff in the school. While he did show slight signs of getting adapted, the signs were so weak I rather not believe them.
Then he fell sick and was absent for a week.
I thought, "that's it, start all over again".
Even my mum and yours asked me to take him out of school so that he does not have to suffer at such a young age. In the end, I insisted that he try for one more week but at half day.
For the first three days. He wailed as per normal; but slowly over the three days, when my dad picked him up to go home, he can even waved good-bye to the teachers. I thought, maybe there's some hope and lo and behold, on Thursday, he did not wail but just complained a little; and totally stop after I left.
And Friday, things were the same. That's when I finally dared to believe he's finally adapted. Even his form teacher was so surprised, on Thursday, that he did not cry. We all thought it would be a much longer battle.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the coming Monday cos no one knows what will happen after a two day break.
Give us your blessing dear. So that Evan stay calm and starts to enjoy school.
I love you.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Last road trip to ipoh
Dear,
The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.
First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.
And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.
Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.
The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.
Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.
The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.
If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.
Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.
Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…
Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.
Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.
Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..
The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.
First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.
And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.
Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.
The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.
Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.
The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.
If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.
Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.
Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…
Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.
Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.
Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Quickie
Dear,
Didn't realize I could dream of you i such a short time.
It was dawn and I was transiting between sleeping and being awake and back within the minutes.
Yet, within those few minutes that I was asleep, I managed to dream of u.
We were at some restaurant and were having fruits. It seems strange that U ate very little of it. I notice that and asked u why, but u just say it's nothing. Yet somehow know u r not feeling well.
I tried to touch you to see if you're cold or hot but u shrug me off saying u r alright. In the end I managed to grab ur arm and felt ur pulse, while I pretend to eat the fruits u left behind.
It felt normal. Although a little bit fast. I remember ur pulse always feels "normal" when u r not feeling well.
As I was pondering on this, I woke up.
It was really a short dream.
I wonder what this means...
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Kiss
Dear
I finally dream of u again.
This time was that i was talking with some friends abt going to the movies. There were some elaborate planning which lead me to comment that I am lucky to have them to do the planning and u to go with, to the movie.
The image then change to two couples, lying on the ground, side by side with the ladies lying prone on top of the guys. I've no idea who were the other couple, but we were discussing about scary movies where there are mysterious hands touching the legs of the viewers in the cinema. You said you're not afraid but I was teasing that you will be. As we were "arguing", I silence you by giving you a kiss. We kissed for the a while. Then you smiled at me. It was so sweet.
Nothing was disturbing my sleep, but yet, at that point in time, I woke up.
I guessed I must have some how realized that this is not real.
Sigh... If only it was....
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me
Dear,
it was such a sad day, that day was.
In fact, the whole week, the days leading to it were just as sad.
That's because I couldn't helping thinking that from now onwards, I can only share my birthday with you in the temple and no where else. our assets
Can no longer look forward to having a nice meal with you, a nice outing with you, a nice present from you on that day anymore.
That day will never be the same without you.
It hurt so bad just thinking about it.
Dear, yet even so, I'm so happy you agreed to share that piece of cake and coffee with me that morning.
That thought keep me going for the rest of the day.
Being busy in office helps a lot.
Think I'll do that from now on.
I need to save my leaves for Evan anyway.
You know, I'm almost done with settling your assets.
Just some small hickups but easily solve once I find the time to do it.
As you know, I'll be at ICT these 2 weeks.
I'll miss going to see you in the morning. It has always been something I look forward to every week.
Dear, I asked you to look for me, of not any other days, at least during my birthday.
Why have you not come?
Nevertheless, I'll continue to hope that one day, you find your way into my dreams.
I hope we can have a good chat then, and do some catching up for the time we've lost.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
I miss you and love you.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Mooncake Party
Dear.
Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.
Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.
Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.
He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.
Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.
I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.
Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.
Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.
Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.
He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.
Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.
I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.
Monday, August 8, 2011
National Day
Dear,
how time flies.
It's national day tomorrow, a holiday.
I used to look forward to these days, but now, it just feels like any other day.
So what if I have the whole day free?
You r not around to spend it with me.
last weekend, my parents and i brought evan to IMM.
These weekly trips are just as meaningless to me without you.
But I forced myself to go along with it cos I know it'll be good for evan to see the world. There's much comfort in seeing him happy.
We had no motive for going IMM actually.
It's just a place to be, away from the house.
As we walked around the place, I can't help recalling the last time we were there.
I can't really remember if that was before or after you gave birth, but i know 5 of us were there... ur mum, my parents and us. I remember I bought that red puma t-shirt there.
While driving home from there, I was still thinking about you.
My tears starts rolling... I couldn't help it.
Luckily it was dark in the car and no one saw me crying.
I let everyone off at the house, and drove the car to park alone.
I finally had some private time to cry out.
I really really missed you, dear.
I cried and cried, and realised that I cried a lot like Evan.
He really knows how to use his crying now.
I'll have to start controlling and disciplining him soon, before he picked up all the bad habits.
He's growing up day by day, and we've grown so attached to each other.
He's also very attached to your mum.
And I guess likewise for your mum to him.
Now she's talking about only leting Evan goes to school after chinese new year... one full year after your death.
I do not know how to react to this actually.
My mum also memtioned that with tuti around, there's actually no need to send Evan to school so early.
My rationale is for him to start learning as soon as possible, cos he's just wasting time at home.
No one in my house, or yours, is capable of teaching him anything.
And at his age, he does not know what's school anyway.
As long as it's fun, he'll go... and boy does he loves to go out.
For this very reason, I do not think I'll delay sending him to school.
As it is, other kids have both parents around to take turns to educate their child daily.
I hardly have the time and energy to do this after work.
I do not want him to missed learning at the time he's most receptive.
Worse still if he picks up bad habits in the meantime.
Well, i guess it's decided then.
I am sorry your mum can't be enjoying Evan more, but if she wants what's best for Evan, she'll not object to this.
Help give her the wisdom and strength to carry it out.
how time flies.
It's national day tomorrow, a holiday.
I used to look forward to these days, but now, it just feels like any other day.
So what if I have the whole day free?
You r not around to spend it with me.
last weekend, my parents and i brought evan to IMM.
These weekly trips are just as meaningless to me without you.
But I forced myself to go along with it cos I know it'll be good for evan to see the world. There's much comfort in seeing him happy.
We had no motive for going IMM actually.
It's just a place to be, away from the house.
As we walked around the place, I can't help recalling the last time we were there.
I can't really remember if that was before or after you gave birth, but i know 5 of us were there... ur mum, my parents and us. I remember I bought that red puma t-shirt there.
While driving home from there, I was still thinking about you.
My tears starts rolling... I couldn't help it.
Luckily it was dark in the car and no one saw me crying.
I let everyone off at the house, and drove the car to park alone.
I finally had some private time to cry out.
I really really missed you, dear.
I cried and cried, and realised that I cried a lot like Evan.
He really knows how to use his crying now.
I'll have to start controlling and disciplining him soon, before he picked up all the bad habits.
He's growing up day by day, and we've grown so attached to each other.
He's also very attached to your mum.
And I guess likewise for your mum to him.
Now she's talking about only leting Evan goes to school after chinese new year... one full year after your death.
I do not know how to react to this actually.
My mum also memtioned that with tuti around, there's actually no need to send Evan to school so early.
My rationale is for him to start learning as soon as possible, cos he's just wasting time at home.
No one in my house, or yours, is capable of teaching him anything.
And at his age, he does not know what's school anyway.
As long as it's fun, he'll go... and boy does he loves to go out.
For this very reason, I do not think I'll delay sending him to school.
As it is, other kids have both parents around to take turns to educate their child daily.
I hardly have the time and energy to do this after work.
I do not want him to missed learning at the time he's most receptive.
Worse still if he picks up bad habits in the meantime.
Well, i guess it's decided then.
I am sorry your mum can't be enjoying Evan more, but if she wants what's best for Evan, she'll not object to this.
Help give her the wisdom and strength to carry it out.
New House
Dear,
We're back to looking at houses again, this time.
We were looking at the model of a new housing development in Singapore. It's the first development on island and the island is at the extreme south east. Now that I thought about it, there's no island in the south east of Singapore. In fact, it looks like a cluster of small land being joined together to form the island.
As good as it looks, like some marina, U were lamenting how far it is to go to work from there. On this I showed u on the model how u can go along the airport coastal road and then onto ecp and then aye...
At this point I woke u from the sound of my alarm. U know, talking to u then was so natural that I almost did not realize u were gone. It's as if u were still always with me. If only this was real
We're back to looking at houses again, this time.
We were looking at the model of a new housing development in Singapore. It's the first development on island and the island is at the extreme south east. Now that I thought about it, there's no island in the south east of Singapore. In fact, it looks like a cluster of small land being joined together to form the island.
As good as it looks, like some marina, U were lamenting how far it is to go to work from there. On this I showed u on the model how u can go along the airport coastal road and then onto ecp and then aye...
At this point I woke u from the sound of my alarm. U know, talking to u then was so natural that I almost did not realize u were gone. It's as if u were still always with me. If only this was real
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wedding Again
Dear,
How strange.
I dreamt about our wedding dinner.
Our second wedding dinner to be exact.
I actually knew, even in my dream, that it was our second wedding.
Why are we having a second wedding?
Is this a sign that you'll be coming back to me, and we decided to commemorate the reunion with this celebration?
The dream covered quite a lot of details. A lot were like the first... busy running here and there to get things organized... but sadly, I've forgotten the details the moment I woke up. This I do not regret. What I regret is that I do not remember us talking much during the whole event... just like the first time. We were both so busy organizing things. Make you wonder if the wedding dinner was for us or for the attendees...
You know. Dreaming about the dinner makes me recall our first wedding dinner. I was so drunk that night that I fell asleep in the bath tub and later on the bed. I remember you told me later that you finished all the food by yourself and then went to bed beside me. How stupid of me to missed our official first night like that. How silly of me to get myself so drunk. But then again, why not, I'm so happy that day. Big contrast to how I'm feeling now.
Well, does not matter... if you're really coming back to me.
We'll have the whole life time to talk this time round.
Looking forward to that day.
I miss you dearly.
How strange.
I dreamt about our wedding dinner.
Our second wedding dinner to be exact.
I actually knew, even in my dream, that it was our second wedding.
Why are we having a second wedding?
Is this a sign that you'll be coming back to me, and we decided to commemorate the reunion with this celebration?
The dream covered quite a lot of details. A lot were like the first... busy running here and there to get things organized... but sadly, I've forgotten the details the moment I woke up. This I do not regret. What I regret is that I do not remember us talking much during the whole event... just like the first time. We were both so busy organizing things. Make you wonder if the wedding dinner was for us or for the attendees...
You know. Dreaming about the dinner makes me recall our first wedding dinner. I was so drunk that night that I fell asleep in the bath tub and later on the bed. I remember you told me later that you finished all the food by yourself and then went to bed beside me. How stupid of me to missed our official first night like that. How silly of me to get myself so drunk. But then again, why not, I'm so happy that day. Big contrast to how I'm feeling now.
Well, does not matter... if you're really coming back to me.
We'll have the whole life time to talk this time round.
Looking forward to that day.
I miss you dearly.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Packing
Dear,
It's almost 5 months...
a lot of your stuffs are still lying here and there in our room.
Last sunday, I finally found the determination to go thru them and start packing things up. I bought 3 containers to put your stuffs, our stuffs...
one, i put in all our wedding stuffs, the albums, the banner, the pillow, the tapes...
this one i can show to evan when he's older... "see, look how happy your mummy and daddy is on the wedding day"
one, i put in all your daily stuffs from the wardrobe, your bag, the dressing table. this one i can show evan what his mummy use to use on a daily basis, including ur spectacles, ur watches, ur makeup kit, ur mirror, ur hair band, ur clothes and so much more.
one, i put in all your bags. those bags are so expensive, dear, and it's really a waste that I do not give them to others to use, or even to sell them. But, they bring back so much memories and i just bare to part with them.
All of these now rest under my bed, where I can feel close to them. Do come back to look at them when u r free ok.... btw, while you r back, take a look at our wardrobe, I've paste a lot of our pictures and evan's on the door. Evan likes to come in to our room to look at them also....
Our room looks so much neater, now that I've packed up. These extra space will be taken up by more messes in due time, as always... only this time, it's only mine, no longer ours....
Feels even emptier now that your stuffs are out of sight.
Sigh, maybe I shouldn't pack....
It's almost 5 months...
a lot of your stuffs are still lying here and there in our room.
Last sunday, I finally found the determination to go thru them and start packing things up. I bought 3 containers to put your stuffs, our stuffs...
one, i put in all our wedding stuffs, the albums, the banner, the pillow, the tapes...
this one i can show to evan when he's older... "see, look how happy your mummy and daddy is on the wedding day"
one, i put in all your daily stuffs from the wardrobe, your bag, the dressing table. this one i can show evan what his mummy use to use on a daily basis, including ur spectacles, ur watches, ur makeup kit, ur mirror, ur hair band, ur clothes and so much more.
one, i put in all your bags. those bags are so expensive, dear, and it's really a waste that I do not give them to others to use, or even to sell them. But, they bring back so much memories and i just bare to part with them.
All of these now rest under my bed, where I can feel close to them. Do come back to look at them when u r free ok.... btw, while you r back, take a look at our wardrobe, I've paste a lot of our pictures and evan's on the door. Evan likes to come in to our room to look at them also....
Our room looks so much neater, now that I've packed up. These extra space will be taken up by more messes in due time, as always... only this time, it's only mine, no longer ours....
Feels even emptier now that your stuffs are out of sight.
Sigh, maybe I shouldn't pack....
Monday, June 27, 2011
Evan's Birthday
Dear,
Evan's finally gonna be 1 tomorrow.
Somehow, this milestone seems so significant in your absence.
It also means that you've been gone for 4 months already.
I still miss you so much.
Hearing your named mentioned by anyone still brings tears to my eyes.
Evan went back to Ipoh to celebrate his chinese birthday.
Back there, he was suyppose to choose between abacus, pen, ruler, and book.
Guess what, he chosed exactly like you - abacus and ruler.
My mum told me b4 I chosed the pen.
Guess he's really more like you than me.
We even went to eat seafood at Tok Alang. The prawns there are suppose to be very famous. Indeed, they are rather tasty, but I remembered you were suppose to bring me there and that made me sad.
In fact, going to Ipoh never fails to make me sad, as it always brought back memories of our time there.
Two things did came out right from the trip though.
One, your mum finally agreed to let me bring Evan home for 3 days.
Two, we were finally able to hear from you, thru the medium.
She doesn't really sound like you, but according to feima, it gets better over time.
I sure hope so.
Back in Singapore, my family celebrated with Evan last sunday.
Evan had a pretty good time also. So much so that he tired himself out and slept until 8pm before getting up for his dinner.
Remember he came to see you at the temple?
He has really grown right?
Sadly, your mum came to know about the sunday's celebration and got really angry cos it will supposedly hurt you. U know me, I can't really be bothered by customs, and have accomodated a lot since your death. It's mainly to help make your mum feel better. But frankly, this is not the life for me. I cannot alter myself and my life just so to make everyone happy. I decided I need to live back my own life. This is the only way I can buck up and do the right thing for Evan.
This mean that I'll do anything, even if it means offending your mum. I know you do not want this, but u know how stubborn your mum is right. I'm not exactly a patient person either. If things turns sour.... for whatever reason, just know that I've really done what I can at my current state. I really have. I've also never been this patient with you right.
Frankly speaking, my well-being is more important than your mum. Evan needs me more than your mum. You can call me selfish, but Evan is the most important and therefore I'm the next most important. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. I know you love both Evan and your mum, but you have to make a choice in this case.
Enuf complaining.
This post is suppose to tell you how much I enjoy seeing Evan happily, celebrating his birthday. No one else can make me this happy these days. Seeing him grow up so fast, makes me worried that I might miss those precious moments. Nevertheless, it is a happy moment.
If only you were here to share this joy with me. Even where you are now, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Evan is growing up happily. I love him so much. I love you so much.
Evan's finally gonna be 1 tomorrow.
Somehow, this milestone seems so significant in your absence.
It also means that you've been gone for 4 months already.
I still miss you so much.
Hearing your named mentioned by anyone still brings tears to my eyes.
Evan went back to Ipoh to celebrate his chinese birthday.
Back there, he was suyppose to choose between abacus, pen, ruler, and book.
Guess what, he chosed exactly like you - abacus and ruler.
My mum told me b4 I chosed the pen.
Guess he's really more like you than me.
We even went to eat seafood at Tok Alang. The prawns there are suppose to be very famous. Indeed, they are rather tasty, but I remembered you were suppose to bring me there and that made me sad.
In fact, going to Ipoh never fails to make me sad, as it always brought back memories of our time there.
Two things did came out right from the trip though.
One, your mum finally agreed to let me bring Evan home for 3 days.
Two, we were finally able to hear from you, thru the medium.
She doesn't really sound like you, but according to feima, it gets better over time.
I sure hope so.
Back in Singapore, my family celebrated with Evan last sunday.
Evan had a pretty good time also. So much so that he tired himself out and slept until 8pm before getting up for his dinner.
Remember he came to see you at the temple?
He has really grown right?
Sadly, your mum came to know about the sunday's celebration and got really angry cos it will supposedly hurt you. U know me, I can't really be bothered by customs, and have accomodated a lot since your death. It's mainly to help make your mum feel better. But frankly, this is not the life for me. I cannot alter myself and my life just so to make everyone happy. I decided I need to live back my own life. This is the only way I can buck up and do the right thing for Evan.
This mean that I'll do anything, even if it means offending your mum. I know you do not want this, but u know how stubborn your mum is right. I'm not exactly a patient person either. If things turns sour.... for whatever reason, just know that I've really done what I can at my current state. I really have. I've also never been this patient with you right.
Frankly speaking, my well-being is more important than your mum. Evan needs me more than your mum. You can call me selfish, but Evan is the most important and therefore I'm the next most important. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. I know you love both Evan and your mum, but you have to make a choice in this case.
Enuf complaining.
This post is suppose to tell you how much I enjoy seeing Evan happily, celebrating his birthday. No one else can make me this happy these days. Seeing him grow up so fast, makes me worried that I might miss those precious moments. Nevertheless, it is a happy moment.
If only you were here to share this joy with me. Even where you are now, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Evan is growing up happily. I love him so much. I love you so much.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Dear,
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It's been 3 months already
Dear,
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm not getting better
Dear,
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day, dear.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Evan's Development
Dear,
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)