Explosion

Dear,

there was an explosion last tuesday.

Tuesdays have now become the moodiest day of the week. Ur mum suddenly popped the question and I was not prepared for it. She didn't like what she heard at all. She exploded and then I exploded.

As usual, nothing nice came out of my mouth during arguments, even when with you. Till today, she's still angry with me. Think she complained to nicole's parents in Hakka, so that I do not understand. I can only pretend I do not know.

Feima and your dad was around when it happened. I do not know what they think, and I dared not asked. I do not know how strong your dad is cause ur bro had caution bout ur dad bottling things up.

At least feima seems helpful after knowing the truth. She imparts her knowledge to me where possible. Sigh, I would love to employ feima permanently also. There's so much knowledge and experience in that body that I can never hope to know.

Dear, I think you feel the same way too. It's just our luck that things are this way. Maybe, someone up there thinks there're things we need to experienced on our own instead of relying totally on others. Maybe, that's what parenting is all about.

For now, I'll try my best to learn and learn and learn. Learn for me, and learn for you. Learn to take care of Evan, even if it means I have to do it myself from now on.

Things might have been different

Looking back at the past, there're so many ways things might have been different.

If only I noticed you're over-working and forced you to rest.

If only I rememberred to start you on your heart vitamins.

If only I insisted that you do the ablation so that you can improve.

If only feima is not so fussy about staying at my house.

If only your mum is not so fussy about staying at my house.

If only we had our own house.

If only you did not have Evan.

If only you quit after pregnancy.

If only you quit after the first attack.

If I believe a person's lifespan on earth is written in heaven, then no matter what was done, it'll not change the day you go away. What might change might be how you go, but would that make us feel any better, I do not know.

How deep is our love

It's true my dear and her mother have been together for over 30 years; and the bonds grew very strong when they were the only 2 in singapore for more than 10 years. They were more like sisters and good friends rather than just mother and daughter.

It's also true that, dear, I've only know you for 6 years, and we're married for only 3 years. Just based on years alone, there's no comaprison between your relationship with your mum versus that with me. Even after marriage, I can still feel the bonds between the 2 of you. I was never jealous cos I understand your bonds. You told me yourself that she's in 1st place and I'm in second. I know it'll take many years before I replace her, or maybe I never will. Yet, you're always in my 1st place. Even with Evan, you're 1st and Evan is second, even if you don't believe me.

I can't help but felt wronged when your mum take our love for each other so lightly. Maybe she's right that after some time, I'll get over you and find someone else. Maybe she not. It's something in the future and it's not what I want to think about now.

What I do know is that I prayed to god to give you my lifespan so that we might live happily together for a few more years before we die together.

What I do know is that I rather die with you, if there weren't Evan and my parents to take care of.

I do not know what these actions meant in terms of our love. Maybe it's just impulse, from the passion that is still fresh in our hearts. Love can only be tested by time, and that, we no longer have together.

Mother versus Mother

the 2 mothers were always friendly on the surface. But underneath, the hidden currents are strong and dangerous.


I was aware from the beginning that this currents exist, even when my dear was still alive. Yet, my mum-in-law still remain at my house to help take care of Evan. I know she did it out of love for her daughter and did not want her to be too tired from wokring and taking care of the baby. Of course, Evan was her daughter's so she love him and wanted the best care for him also. For all the help she has renderred, I'm deeply grateful and touched. She'll always be the best mum-in-law in my heart.


Since dear's death however, this hidden currents seems to have deepen considerably. Mainly due to the things my mother said while dear is still in the hospital, or after her death. Those words cuts my mum-in-law deeply but for her daughter, she chose to swallow them and remained silent about it.


My mum does not have a high EQ. Even towards many people, including myself, she show no regards for anyone's feeling by the way she speaks or act. Maybe she's just too rationale, too realistic. It's a fortunate thing, since she had help administerred the funeral while the rest of us were down with sorrow. I guess the world needs different kind of people for different purposes.


From a third party point of view, there're just to many explanations for and against the defence of any of them. The question is what role am I playing in this.

Dream

Dear,

it's such a coincidence that the night before I just wrote to you and straight away I dreamt about you.

It's the second time I dreamt of you actually. The first time was a week before, I dreamt about our happy times together. This time was different.

The setup was in your office and I believe was after your death, as Boon Chuan and I was around to help tidy you your belongings. However, this time, it seems to be much further down the years where you have shifted to a new office, and have a big office of your own, like those rich managers on TV, with a big office. Irene was in the dream as well but I've forgotten the details involving her.

As the dream goes on, some how, I was talking to you and you told me this...

"Next time, don't put the tube in my mouth. It was really painful"

Oh god, do you know the impact that caused me. Straight away I became aware I was dreaming and awoke. My heart was racing. Yet, I wanted to hear more and forced myself to sleep.

But I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. In fact, the more consciously I force myself to sleep, the more conscious I became.

I started recalling the first night you were in hospital. We called out to you and saw you tearing, saw you struggling, like in an attempt to wake up. Doctors told us it could be just natural reflects from your brain damage. I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not.

But if you were struggling because it was painful, dear, I do not know how to help you also. Your breathing had stopped and was relying on that tube to maintain your breathing. There's no way the doc will remove it. If only you had open your eyes, then maybe things might have been different.

What is love

Dear,

After every tuesday, I try to keep myself busy during the day and make myself tired by the night so that I can fall asleep quickly. Going by this routine, I' able to make it through the week without feeling the weight in my heart. Only in occasional moments when I'm alone and could not sleep and could not do anything did it start hurting.

Having such an easy time easing my pain makes me think about our love.

I heard something today concerning love. In fact, I heard it a few times already but today it sinked in a little deeper. It says that today's people treated love too lightly and also diluted the meaning of love.

The saying "I love fish" at a dining table, means "I love the taste of fish in my mouth" rather than a genuine love for the fish; else I would have let it go instead of eating it. It made me think about my love for you. Did I really love you?

I used to like to say thing like, "I love the way you make me feel", "I love the little things you do, the quirks you have". Thinking back, you have been my companion, lover, friend, since we were together 6 years ago. To no one, did I share the things deepest in my heart, to no one do I share my troubles with. Evan came, and we became very busy everyday, fussing over him and fusing about him. Yet at no time did I not enjoy myself because you are by my side, sharing the joys and the troubles. Did I love the fact that you are willing to shared those things with me, or that I love you and hence shared them with you. I do not know.

I do know that by your leaving, that void in my heart, that was filled by you, came back. I'm scared of it and sorely misses you because of that.

I console myself by saying that I really do love you cos I'm willing to share everything I have with you, and trust you wholeheartedly even when there're others that doubt you. But sometimes I wonder if I did that out of responsibility and not love. Even the little surprise I try to give you once in a while to make you happy seems insignificant now.

I felt as if every feeling I ever had for you that is love or out of love has been a lie. A lie to you, and a lie to me.

Just what is love?

How do I know?

What can I do to prove it?

Sigh, does it really matter now?

So what if it has been love? So what if it was not?

It will not make me feel any better, if not worse right?

Let not my heart be trouble?

How I wish I know how it can be done?

Evan's sick

Dear,

Evan's sick.

He had fever last friday. Even though it's only a slight fever, not having you around made me panic. Last time, you'll be the one to panic, and I'll be the one assuring you and making the necessary decisions. Sigh, it's hard try to be both mummy and daddy at the same time.

Luckily, I contacted a few mummies and daddies for advice and gotten some reassurance that his fever is not serious, and also what to do should it get serious.

The others are suspecting that his upper teeth is coming out, that's why he's having a fever. Anyway, his fever died after giving him the second dose of paracetamol.

However, for the next two days, he had no appetite for anything other than watery porridge. Also, whenever he cries, he'll cough very hard. At first, I decided to bring him to kinder clinic as they have many branches around Singapore so it's easier to since he might be at your's or my house. But when his situation seems to get worse on sunday night, I decided to bring him to Dr Ngiam instead.

Dr Ngiam says he's having throat infection, and it's normal that he has no appetite. In fact, food produces toxin in the body and him having no appetite is the body's way of protecting itself, and hence no need to force him to eat. As usual, Dr Ngiam advises are very unconventional. Think none of the old folks agrees with him. It's lucky he got his appetite back so we do not need to test his theory.

Well, Dr Ngiam says it take Evan 10 days to recover. I'm just counting down to it now.