Dear,
hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.
actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.
I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.
Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.
I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.
In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.
At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.
You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.
I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.
Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Dream Part 2?
Dear,
this time we're in a posh Japanese restuarant.
You ordered sashimi while I ordered sushi.
You plate of sashimi was quite small and you reached over to "tax" me.
I commented that you should have ordered something more filling.
But you said you purposely ordered sashimi cos it's expensive, to punish me for ... you started mumbling and i could not hear what you were saying. In my mind, I was thinking that even if it's expensive and the portion is small, since it's a punishment, you could have ordered more portions to fill yourself and make the punishment harder. The reason you did not do that is cos you are reluctant to see me waste so much money, even as a punishment. I'm glad you're this considerate, even at this juncture, and know you still love me deeply. I'm also glad to be able to share my food with you, just like we always do.
I do not know what's the quarrel was about.
Is this a continuation of the previous dream we had?
If it is, I'm glad that we could have this dream, and hopefully more, so that I can see you more often.
Maybe we'll be able to get to the point where I know what you're angry with me for?
Hopefully we can get to the point where we kiss and make up as well.
this time we're in a posh Japanese restuarant.
You ordered sashimi while I ordered sushi.
You plate of sashimi was quite small and you reached over to "tax" me.
I commented that you should have ordered something more filling.
But you said you purposely ordered sashimi cos it's expensive, to punish me for ... you started mumbling and i could not hear what you were saying. In my mind, I was thinking that even if it's expensive and the portion is small, since it's a punishment, you could have ordered more portions to fill yourself and make the punishment harder. The reason you did not do that is cos you are reluctant to see me waste so much money, even as a punishment. I'm glad you're this considerate, even at this juncture, and know you still love me deeply. I'm also glad to be able to share my food with you, just like we always do.
I do not know what's the quarrel was about.
Is this a continuation of the previous dream we had?
If it is, I'm glad that we could have this dream, and hopefully more, so that I can see you more often.
Maybe we'll be able to get to the point where I know what you're angry with me for?
Hopefully we can get to the point where we kiss and make up as well.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Ipoh Trip
Dear,
After having such a "nice" dream that gave me hope, I went to work in a pretty calm mood. I also get to play with Evan in the morning right before I come to work. He seems a lot bigger and heavier now, even though I carry him and see him almost everyday.
I decided to prepare for next week’s trip to Ipoh by notifying MINDEF and also applying for travel insurance. As I logged into the travel insurance page, it shows your name among others in the list of people I used to apply travel insurance for.
I recall the last few trips where I always buy insurance for you.
I recall the last few trips where we always look forward to going to Ipoh to take a break from work.
I recall the last few trips where you always sit next to me as I drive up to Ipoh and back from Ipoh
I recall how you used to feed me while I drive and pass my water bottle to me when I asked for it.
I recall so many things that we used to do and just did the week before you left.
It hurt so bad.
I did not want to look for you at the temple, but I can’t help it.
It hurt so bad.
Even back in office, my tears are still running as I eat the same lunch box I bought for you.
It hurt so bad.
I missed you so much.
After having such a "nice" dream that gave me hope, I went to work in a pretty calm mood. I also get to play with Evan in the morning right before I come to work. He seems a lot bigger and heavier now, even though I carry him and see him almost everyday.
I decided to prepare for next week’s trip to Ipoh by notifying MINDEF and also applying for travel insurance. As I logged into the travel insurance page, it shows your name among others in the list of people I used to apply travel insurance for.
I recall the last few trips where I always buy insurance for you.
I recall the last few trips where we always look forward to going to Ipoh to take a break from work.
I recall the last few trips where you always sit next to me as I drive up to Ipoh and back from Ipoh
I recall how you used to feed me while I drive and pass my water bottle to me when I asked for it.
I recall so many things that we used to do and just did the week before you left.
It hurt so bad.
I did not want to look for you at the temple, but I can’t help it.
It hurt so bad.
Even back in office, my tears are still running as I eat the same lunch box I bought for you.
It hurt so bad.
I missed you so much.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Dead or not dead?
Dear,
My last dream was interesting indeed.
The setup was in a house - my house?
Everyone was there except you - Evan, my parents, your mum, tuti.
Naturally, i thought it was because you were dead.
Your mum and tuti were taking care of Evan in one room and I was in a living room, where my parents were watching TV.
Somehow, the tv cable point was behind my mum's seat and she keep dislodging it, making the TV very blur. Yet, she insist it's not her causing the problem. I forced her to move slightly, making the reception better and proving to her, yes, it was her fault.
Then, lilian called and asked me how it was with you.
At that point, some how, i realised that you were not dead, but we were separated due to some argument. She encouraged me to call you to see how it goes.
I walked out of the room and dialed your number.
Half my "dream" mind still insist you were already dead, as I'm currently holding another phone that is using your number; like in the real world.
To my surprise, my other phone did not ring. Instead, you picked up the call.
I questioned how that can happen, and reasoned that it's likely that since your number was from M1, like mine, it goes to you first, and only if you did not receive will it be routed to my phone with your number, which is on Singtel.
It's really very strange that the surrounding objects are just like in the real world, but yet in the dream, it could become that way.
As you picked up the call, I asked "HOw are you?
". "Ok ah!" You replyed in the half angry tone you always used when we quarrel.
The rest of the conversation passed by in a blur, and you were then asking me about Evan. I took the opportunity to asked you out, for dinner, and then movie. Some how, I realise you want to just go for dinner only so that I can go home to play with Evan, but I told you that it won;t make a difference as by the time I reach home, he would have already slept. You thought about it for a while and then agreed.
The following day, I was at another place during the day. It was a big house, and there were many people there, like some kind of party or conference. One Ang Mo actually came to over to where I was sitting and console me on our situation. Strangely, I do not recall knowing him.
Then it was time for me to leave. You SMSed me your current address and from the map, although it was very very far, I knew where it was. My "dream" mind recalled going there with you to look for someone before. I even decided that I do not need GPS to help me find it. Now that I think about it, why didn't you go home? Why was your mum still helping out at my place?
As I walked towards my car, I met Wee Meng and gave him a lift around a big car park to find his car. As we mounted a ramp, he explained that he saw Angeline leaving the carpark in her little blue Getz. I proudlly told him that I helped her sourced for that car - although now that I thought about it, I do not know it that was actually true or not.
Anyway, things passed by in a blur again, and now i'm a RWS hotel, with the intention to book a room for our date in the evening. The receptionist told me that since I did not book in advance, I have to pay $20 more.
All these while, I was aware that I'm dreaming, but some how, my consciousness did not take over, but let the dream run its course. It's like I'm watching a movie about myself, and yet I could feel like how I did in the show.
over time, my conciousness too over and I was fully awake. Yet, I was able to still vividly recall the scenes in the dream. The last few times were not this way. Although, try as I might, I could not fall asleep again to continue the dream.
In the end, we did get to the point were we meet up for our date. Sigh....
This is the longest dream I had concerning you so far.
Will there be more?
My last dream was interesting indeed.
The setup was in a house - my house?
Everyone was there except you - Evan, my parents, your mum, tuti.
Naturally, i thought it was because you were dead.
Your mum and tuti were taking care of Evan in one room and I was in a living room, where my parents were watching TV.
Somehow, the tv cable point was behind my mum's seat and she keep dislodging it, making the TV very blur. Yet, she insist it's not her causing the problem. I forced her to move slightly, making the reception better and proving to her, yes, it was her fault.
Then, lilian called and asked me how it was with you.
At that point, some how, i realised that you were not dead, but we were separated due to some argument. She encouraged me to call you to see how it goes.
I walked out of the room and dialed your number.
Half my "dream" mind still insist you were already dead, as I'm currently holding another phone that is using your number; like in the real world.
To my surprise, my other phone did not ring. Instead, you picked up the call.
I questioned how that can happen, and reasoned that it's likely that since your number was from M1, like mine, it goes to you first, and only if you did not receive will it be routed to my phone with your number, which is on Singtel.
It's really very strange that the surrounding objects are just like in the real world, but yet in the dream, it could become that way.
As you picked up the call, I asked "HOw are you?
". "Ok ah!" You replyed in the half angry tone you always used when we quarrel.
The rest of the conversation passed by in a blur, and you were then asking me about Evan. I took the opportunity to asked you out, for dinner, and then movie. Some how, I realise you want to just go for dinner only so that I can go home to play with Evan, but I told you that it won;t make a difference as by the time I reach home, he would have already slept. You thought about it for a while and then agreed.
The following day, I was at another place during the day. It was a big house, and there were many people there, like some kind of party or conference. One Ang Mo actually came to over to where I was sitting and console me on our situation. Strangely, I do not recall knowing him.
Then it was time for me to leave. You SMSed me your current address and from the map, although it was very very far, I knew where it was. My "dream" mind recalled going there with you to look for someone before. I even decided that I do not need GPS to help me find it. Now that I think about it, why didn't you go home? Why was your mum still helping out at my place?
As I walked towards my car, I met Wee Meng and gave him a lift around a big car park to find his car. As we mounted a ramp, he explained that he saw Angeline leaving the carpark in her little blue Getz. I proudlly told him that I helped her sourced for that car - although now that I thought about it, I do not know it that was actually true or not.
Anyway, things passed by in a blur again, and now i'm a RWS hotel, with the intention to book a room for our date in the evening. The receptionist told me that since I did not book in advance, I have to pay $20 more.
All these while, I was aware that I'm dreaming, but some how, my consciousness did not take over, but let the dream run its course. It's like I'm watching a movie about myself, and yet I could feel like how I did in the show.
over time, my conciousness too over and I was fully awake. Yet, I was able to still vividly recall the scenes in the dream. The last few times were not this way. Although, try as I might, I could not fall asleep again to continue the dream.
In the end, we did get to the point were we meet up for our date. Sigh....
This is the longest dream I had concerning you so far.
Will there be more?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pleasant Dream
Dear,
Last night's dream was the most pleasant dream I have of you so far.
We were cutting corners off some things which I vaguely recall looks like dumplings.
Not sure why we were doing it, but it seems we were pretty committed to do it.
As time goes on, we decided not to cut the corners and take the whole dumpling instead.
Somehow, that seems to angered some people who starts throwing balls at us.
I vaguely recall that the it was more of a “pretend” kind of angriness and the balls thrown as us were not gonna hurt us anyway.
Because of that, we did not care that the people were "complaining" about and go about our own tasks.
We smiled and look at each other, enjoying the laughter and joy; and then we kissed.
I realised I was not fully asleep as I was aware that I was dreaming, although the dream was proceeding along on its own without me imposing my will on it to change it’s course. Seems as if I was watching a show about myself, yet I felt involved in it.
Nevertheless, we still did not talk much in the dream.
Maybe it is true that these dreams are just my unconcious self missing you.
Since you left no message when you left, my unconcious self found no info from which to generate the conversation in my dream.
When will you really really enter my dream and talk to me.
Just once is all I asked.
Last night's dream was the most pleasant dream I have of you so far.
We were cutting corners off some things which I vaguely recall looks like dumplings.
Not sure why we were doing it, but it seems we were pretty committed to do it.
As time goes on, we decided not to cut the corners and take the whole dumpling instead.
Somehow, that seems to angered some people who starts throwing balls at us.
I vaguely recall that the it was more of a “pretend” kind of angriness and the balls thrown as us were not gonna hurt us anyway.
Because of that, we did not care that the people were "complaining" about and go about our own tasks.
We smiled and look at each other, enjoying the laughter and joy; and then we kissed.
I realised I was not fully asleep as I was aware that I was dreaming, although the dream was proceeding along on its own without me imposing my will on it to change it’s course. Seems as if I was watching a show about myself, yet I felt involved in it.
Nevertheless, we still did not talk much in the dream.
Maybe it is true that these dreams are just my unconcious self missing you.
Since you left no message when you left, my unconcious self found no info from which to generate the conversation in my dream.
When will you really really enter my dream and talk to me.
Just once is all I asked.
IPT
Dear,
it's such a strange feeling going for IPT yesterday.
Last time, I go for the tough training knowing that after that, I can go home to you; I might even get a massage fro you if I was aching. Things were nice then.
Now, there's nothing to go back home to; not even Evan is enough to comfort me totally, although it helps abit. I told you before, you're always first in my heart; then comes evan; then everyone else.
I used to be able to find comfort in complaining to you how I sufferred during trainings, and now there's no one whom I want to and can confide in. You know, when I got back to my car after the session, I immediately reached for my ohone to see if you've left me any message which you used to do all the time - "waiting for you", "very boring at home", "not done yet?". Reality sinks in when I found no such sms this time, and I really wanted to cry.
None left to share my woes and joys from now on.
I'm by myself, now and forever.
it's such a strange feeling going for IPT yesterday.
Last time, I go for the tough training knowing that after that, I can go home to you; I might even get a massage fro you if I was aching. Things were nice then.
Now, there's nothing to go back home to; not even Evan is enough to comfort me totally, although it helps abit. I told you before, you're always first in my heart; then comes evan; then everyone else.
I used to be able to find comfort in complaining to you how I sufferred during trainings, and now there's no one whom I want to and can confide in. You know, when I got back to my car after the session, I immediately reached for my ohone to see if you've left me any message which you used to do all the time - "waiting for you", "very boring at home", "not done yet?". Reality sinks in when I found no such sms this time, and I really wanted to cry.
None left to share my woes and joys from now on.
I'm by myself, now and forever.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
49th Day
Dear,
finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.
Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?
At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.
I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.
I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.
Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.
finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.
Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?
At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.
I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.
I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.
Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Look at the bright side
Dear,
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
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