Dear,
Evan's finally gonna be 1 tomorrow.
Somehow, this milestone seems so significant in your absence.
It also means that you've been gone for 4 months already.
I still miss you so much.
Hearing your named mentioned by anyone still brings tears to my eyes.
Evan went back to Ipoh to celebrate his chinese birthday.
Back there, he was suyppose to choose between abacus, pen, ruler, and book.
Guess what, he chosed exactly like you - abacus and ruler.
My mum told me b4 I chosed the pen.
Guess he's really more like you than me.
We even went to eat seafood at Tok Alang. The prawns there are suppose to be very famous. Indeed, they are rather tasty, but I remembered you were suppose to bring me there and that made me sad.
In fact, going to Ipoh never fails to make me sad, as it always brought back memories of our time there.
Two things did came out right from the trip though.
One, your mum finally agreed to let me bring Evan home for 3 days.
Two, we were finally able to hear from you, thru the medium.
She doesn't really sound like you, but according to feima, it gets better over time.
I sure hope so.
Back in Singapore, my family celebrated with Evan last sunday.
Evan had a pretty good time also. So much so that he tired himself out and slept until 8pm before getting up for his dinner.
Remember he came to see you at the temple?
He has really grown right?
Sadly, your mum came to know about the sunday's celebration and got really angry cos it will supposedly hurt you. U know me, I can't really be bothered by customs, and have accomodated a lot since your death. It's mainly to help make your mum feel better. But frankly, this is not the life for me. I cannot alter myself and my life just so to make everyone happy. I decided I need to live back my own life. This is the only way I can buck up and do the right thing for Evan.
This mean that I'll do anything, even if it means offending your mum. I know you do not want this, but u know how stubborn your mum is right. I'm not exactly a patient person either. If things turns sour.... for whatever reason, just know that I've really done what I can at my current state. I really have. I've also never been this patient with you right.
Frankly speaking, my well-being is more important than your mum. Evan needs me more than your mum. You can call me selfish, but Evan is the most important and therefore I'm the next most important. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. I know you love both Evan and your mum, but you have to make a choice in this case.
Enuf complaining.
This post is suppose to tell you how much I enjoy seeing Evan happily, celebrating his birthday. No one else can make me this happy these days. Seeing him grow up so fast, makes me worried that I might miss those precious moments. Nevertheless, it is a happy moment.
If only you were here to share this joy with me. Even where you are now, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Evan is growing up happily. I love him so much. I love you so much.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Dear,
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Finally dreamt of u again, after so long.
The scene should be sometime after u gave birth cos I seems to be tired from taking care of evan. Somehow, we seems to have a place of our own with kow staying nearby. It does seems to be rather old and not like those modern condos we visited.
Tat particular night somehow Evan's not around. Seems like we are waiting for him to come back and deciding who to watch over him tat night and we keep trying to out volunteer each other. It seems from our room we can hear kow's place so so we went there to see if she's back. We heard hoong's voice instead. How strange.
We took tat short period of time to cuddle. As usual I pretend to be the baby wanting a hug hug from mummy. We were having so much fun.
If only this is real.
If Evan didn't cry at tat moment, I might be able to enjoy that blissful dream longer. I'm not blaming Evan. Even if I could enjoy that dream longer, nothing changes the fact that I will have to wake up eventually, and face the fact that you're no longer there in real life.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It's been 3 months already
Dear,
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
So much has changed since you left 3 months ago.
In the World,
There seems to be more and more natural disasters; earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threats…
Seems like the earth itself is degenerating.
In Singapore,
The Singapore election is over and PAP has encountered the worse attack from the oppositions. Even though they won eventually, the results clearly told them that the people are not happy with them. The government is going through quite a big change now. You know, after these changes, I think we might even have a chance to buy the 7-seater we were looking for.
But now, what’s the point in getting a 7-seater. Both family’s are no longer seeing eye-to-eye, so there’ll ever be a chance they’ll both be present to fill up the car.
It’s so stressful standing in between both sides. Were you feeling that way previously?
In office,
There’s a major re-organisation, and I’m placed where I am, for the last 9 years.
As you know, I wanted to moved somewhere else, but at my current state, it’s hard.
Think that since I missed this opportunity, it’s likely I’ll be staying where I am for a long long time. I feel as if I’m standing still while the others walk by me.
At home,
Evan have grown so much.
He can somewhat understand us when we talk.
He can walk somewhat. Can definitely crawl.
He has 6 teeth and sprouting more, making him very cranky.
He’s eating some table food already.
He’s even drinking milk now; but he stopped liking porridge and cereal.
Oh, how I wished you were here to see and share this joy with me.
By myself, every little joy I have is mixed with the pain of knowing you’re not here to share it with me.
Me,
I’ve reverted to the person before I knew you.
Reverted, except that I used to not have this hole in my heart.
Reverted, except when facing Evan.
It’s not a person I like to be, but without you, I’ve no motivation to change.
So much have changed in these 3 months. It felt as if a much longer time have passed.
Yet nothing truly distracted me from the pain of losing you. True that I’m tearing less now, but the pain inside seems to be getting stronger, now that I can’t release it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm not getting better
Dear,
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
I saw on TV the chinese show 2002.
It's about this Hong Kong cop that belongs to the department that fights ghost criminals.
He's also a nice person that helps ghost that comes to him for help.
On one occasion, he was in a hospital and in came a ghost kid who told him he was waiting for his mum.
In came a lady at A&E with his husband tagging behind.
Shortly, the doctor came out to tell the man they could not save his wife and baby.
The man broke down and cry.
This reminded me so much about the day you died.
Next, the ghost of the wife came out of A&E and the boy came over to greet his mum.
She then saw how sad his husband was, and told the ghost boy to take over his younger brother's body, so that he might live
to keep his father company.
This again reminded me of how Evan is keeping me company.
Were you also there like this lady at that time? Did you see us? Did you see me? Did you see Evan? How were you feeling then? Were you sad like her? Did you find someone to pass us any message? How I wish I could see you...
We were so alike; the man and I.
At this point, my body could no longer stop trembling as I started crying.
It was a short episode (of crying), but one that's very intense.
I realised that after so long, since you left, the pain have not ceased one bit.
In fact, even I was at Ipoh, we went to a restaurant near the massage parlor where we had our last massage.
I couldn't contained myself also, and tears just keeps rolling down when I thought about us.
I not recovering at all.
I'm simply avoided the pain, and when things about us come smacking into my face, all the calmness I've build up crumbles away leaving me with a sad and empty shell, which used to be my body.
I do find relieve that Evan seems to be getting more and more attached to me.
He's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and I dare not think what I would do without him.
Watch over him, dear.
Keep him safe and happy.
For his sake, and for mine.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day, dear.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
As promise, I brought Evan to celebrate Mother's day with you.
It pains me that you could no longer share this day with him.
It pains me that he no longer have a mother to celebrate this day with.
I can only blame myself for not being able to take care of you; and blame myself even more for not being able to provide a mother for Evan. There's nothing I can do to make this up to both of you.
I think back to the time I visited you at the temple.
How I always buy a rose for you when I visit you.
While you were alive, you always lament that I do not buy you any flowers.
I told you it's a waste of money to buy something that does not last, and convince you to have fake ones instead. Though they don't come cheap, at least they last forever. So what if they last forever, you're no longer here to accept them.
I do not really know if you like those fake soft-toy flowers or not, or that you simply choose to accept them cos you know you'll not be getting real ones. Well, now that you're gone, I found myself buying you real flowers instead; sigh, as if to make up for the time while you're alive. Humans really do not know how to appreciate things until it's too late, I fully understand that now; and yet it's too late to understand that already.
It's moments like this that I wish I could turn back time. Yet, I know I can't and it's driving me crazy. Yet, I know I must remain sane for Evan's sake. No matter how bad I feel, I cannot give up on Evan. I've no right to make him lose both his parents.
I miss him so much.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Evan's Development
Dear,
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.
Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.
I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.
Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.
Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Happy Birthday
Dear,
hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.
actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.
I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.
Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.
I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.
In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.
At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.
You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.
I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.
Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.
hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.
actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.
I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.
Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.
I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.
In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.
At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.
You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.
I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.
Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.
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