6 Weeks Ago

Dear,

6 weeks ago, at this time, we were happily enjoying our short period of freedom at TESCO, then a baby shop, where we bought the play mat for Evan. Then you decided that you have not eaten "lok lok" for a long long time and we went for some. I even burnt my hand on the side of the metal pot, but the scar is gone now. We were so enjoying ourselves that you warned me not to mentioned "lok lok" to your mum in case she scolds us for not bringing her along.

sigh... 6 weeks ago.
who would have know you will leave all of us behind just 5 days after that.
i still missed you so badly.

do you know that since I knew you, my life revolved around doing things to make you happy.
I've done so much with you in mind, that now, everywhere I turn to, there're things that remind me of you and what I had done for you. I've also lost interest in many things, even techie stuffs which I was so interested in prevously. This is because, you're no longer around to enjoy them with me.

I missed you so badly
I missed you soo badly

Baby lullabies

Evan was sleeping on the way home from SAFRA, so I thought I play the baby lullabies to let him sleep better. All was fine all the way back to the carpark where everyone dropped off.

Alone, I drove the car up the carpark to find a lot. Along the way, I recalled the period when Evan just came and I always play these baby lullabies to help him sleep. We used to lay him on our bed and lie down on either side of him to accompany him while the music played. Life was so blissful with you and Evan next to me.

I missed you so badly, dear.

Dream Again

Dear,

Monday night I dream of you again.
This time the place was in some room, and both of us were relaxing on a bed watching TV.
We were watching the Channel 8 7pm show "Ai".
It's quite strange, however, as in this version of the show, Wen Jie and Jia Ling is a couple instead; but it seems that they have not revealed their feelings for each other yet.
Jia Ling was distressed for some reason and Wen Jie pluck up enough courage to hold her hands to comfort her. Jia Ling smiled blissfully during that time. It was not a very entertaining show, so we entertained ourselves with some hanky panky stuffs. Some how, we starting talking about exercise and I suggested badminton. You didn't agree or reject to it, but only mentioned that you cannot pay me for the game.

Now that I think about this, it's so strange cos we've never played badminton together before. Even then, there shouldn't be any problem for you to pay for it, if you needed to.

Some how, in the dream, i seems to understand why you could not pay, and said I'll "sponsor" you instead. But given this issue of money, I thought maybe we could go blading instead. I then remembered the times we went blading together, and then all of a sudden, I realized that we can never go blading together anymore, cos you're gone. At this point, I woke up.

These are such strange dreams, I had of you.

You always only say one sentence to me.

If only I understood what these dreams meant...

Another week has passed

Dear,

this weekend was the second time i put evan on the play mat.
Last week, when i first put him there, he did not crawl. It seems like he's used to crawling on soft surfaces like mattresses and sofas, which offers him lots of friction for his knees.
But once on the plat mat, which is rather smooth, his knees keeps slipping and he could not move forward. It frustrated him so much he cried; because he could not reached his toys.

But this week, he finally moved, although it was only 2 steps. This is because i only assembled a 4x4 grid which for his height is quite short. I didn't realise he could get over it so quickly. In fact, while learning to crawl, he even managed to put himself into a sitting position, twice, and sit without hand support for a while.

While I watched him learn and grow, I can't help but cry and wish that you were also here to see all this and share the surprises and joys with me. I remember the time when we were trying to "force" Evan to drink his milk, but he keep rejecting. You pretended you were angry and scolded him. To our surprise, he scolded you back. It was so funny we roll over with laughter. I really missed those times.

I know those times will not come back, but it's really hard not to long for them.

Sometimes, I still hope that the hospital has mixed you up someone that looks like you. With all the equipment around your face, we wrongly identified you as well. Somewhere, somehow, you recoverred from your collapse but maybe loss your memory and is currently recuperating. Some day, we'll see each other on the street and that jolted your memory back. We then hug each other and cry right there and then; just like in the movies.

How I wished that this miracle will happen.

Last night, I dreamt about you again.
Try as I might, I can't remember the story, but I know there was a choice between two options that you have to make and you chose one that seems to be influenced by me. I asked you if that was true, but you asked that it does not matter, and gave me the expression that it does not matter anymore since you were already dead.

I forgotten the dream cos I did not immediately write it down. Next time, I'll put a notebook and pen next to me. I want to remember and note down anything and everything about you. We took that for granted and now, we pay the price of not having enough memories of the few years we had together.

I'll not make that mistake for Evan.
Please help me remember should I forget.

First day of work

Dear,

today i went back to work for the first time after you've gone.

Morning was especially bad.

I missed waking up with you.

I missed dressing up for work with you.

I missed eating breakfast with you.

I missed passing you the Home section of the Straits Times to you, while I read the Main section.

I missed leaving the house with you.

I missed walking to our cars with you.

I missed saying bye bye to you while you board your car.

I missed trailing your car all the way to queenstown mrt then you go left while i go right.

I missed winking at you when you car parked next to mine at the traffic light

I missed going to work with you.

I missed you so badly.

My tears rolled out uncontrollably just thinking of these.

I could only hug Evan while I cry.

Strangely, today, Evan actually place his cheek next to mine and hugged me back.

That somewhat gave me some comfort.

I hope he continues to do that tomorrow.

Gains and Losses

Dear,

I heard this story recently.

A teacher had a bowl containing 3 apples.

He offered one to his student, who ate it happily.

After that, he asked the student how many apples were left, of which his student answered:

Three - one in his stomach, and 2 in the bowl.

The moral of the story is not to base gains and losses on the physical.

Isn't the apples that was eaten more of a gain than a loss?

As I thought about this, I realised that I did not actually lose you.

I gained you for six years, of which,

you had been a good girlfriend, then a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, and finally a good mummy. All this time, you were also a good daughter to your mummy.

In addition, you showed us by example how you would want Evan to be taken cared of and we'll continue it your way, even if it's the expensive way.

Your methods and values have influenced us, and from now on, lives with us and in us.

Evan will see your image in us and all of us will contribute to the mummy that you were.

You've performed your part perfectly and we've gained you in every where possible.

Now that you're gone, to continue to long for you, want more of you, or moan for the loss, would be greediness on our part.

Easier said then done though.

Easy to understand, but difficult to practice.

Maybe some master out there can help....

Waiting to Die

Dear,

tonight's 9pm show on Channel 8, shows chen han wei being informed by the doctor about having lung cancer. After that, he went into the toilet to cry. Seeing this scene, I suddenly remembered the time when you had your first heart attack.

Although you recovered somewhat in the hospital, and was resting at home, I know you were very very afraid that the next attack comes and then you do not wake up. I know you're very afraid because every night you demand that I wait for you to fall asleep before I can sleep.

I even remember the nights when you simply cry and cry because you're so frighten that you'll just die and leave behind everything, especially your mum. You said that she's the person that you're most worried about since she'll be alone in Singapore if that happens. That scene was so vivid in my mind now.

I remember telling you that you have to recover so that you can continue to take care of your mum, and I'm glad you eventually did recover, at least on the surface.

It so strange that after one year from the attack, we totally forgot that your health is actually still so delicate. I guess we were so looking forward to the baby that made us ignore all other things. At least that's what happened to me. I wonder if you ever thought about it.

Sometimes, I hate myself for being so forgetful. Forgetful that your health is so delicate. Forgetful that I should remind you to rest more.

Now it's too late.

And I can only seek solace in whatever religion that can offer me the best advise.

I hope I find it.

Watch over me, dear.