Last road trip to ipoh

Dear,

The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.

First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.

And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.

Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.

The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.

Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.

The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.

If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.

Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.

Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…

Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.

Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.

Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.

I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..

Quickie

Dear, Didn't realize I could dream of you i such a short time. It was dawn and I was transiting between sleeping and being awake and back within the minutes. Yet, within those few minutes that I was asleep, I managed to dream of u. We were at some restaurant and were having fruits. It seems strange that U ate very little of it. I notice that and asked u why, but u just say it's nothing. Yet somehow know u r not feeling well. I tried to touch you to see if you're cold or hot but u shrug me off saying u r alright. In the end I managed to grab ur arm and felt ur pulse, while I pretend to eat the fruits u left behind. It felt normal. Although a little bit fast. I remember ur pulse always feels "normal" when u r not feeling well. As I was pondering on this, I woke up. It was really a short dream. I wonder what this means...

Kiss

Dear I finally dream of u again. This time was that i was talking with some friends abt going to the movies. There were some elaborate planning which lead me to comment that I am lucky to have them to do the planning and u to go with, to the movie. The image then change to two couples, lying on the ground, side by side with the ladies lying prone on top of the guys. I've no idea who were the other couple, but we were discussing about scary movies where there are mysterious hands touching the legs of the viewers in the cinema. You said you're not afraid but I was teasing that you will be. As we were "arguing", I silence you by giving you a kiss. We kissed for the a while. Then you smiled at me. It was so sweet. Nothing was disturbing my sleep, but yet, at that point in time, I woke up. I guessed I must have some how realized that this is not real. Sigh... If only it was....

Happy Birthday to Me

Dear, it was such a sad day, that day was. In fact, the whole week, the days leading to it were just as sad. That's because I couldn't helping thinking that from now onwards, I can only share my birthday with you in the temple and no where else. our assets Can no longer look forward to having a nice meal with you, a nice outing with you, a nice present from you on that day anymore. That day will never be the same without you. It hurt so bad just thinking about it. Dear, yet even so, I'm so happy you agreed to share that piece of cake and coffee with me that morning. That thought keep me going for the rest of the day. Being busy in office helps a lot. Think I'll do that from now on. I need to save my leaves for Evan anyway. You know, I'm almost done with settling your assets. Just some small hickups but easily solve once I find the time to do it. As you know, I'll be at ICT these 2 weeks. I'll miss going to see you in the morning. It has always been something I look forward to every week. Dear, I asked you to look for me, of not any other days, at least during my birthday. Why have you not come? Nevertheless, I'll continue to hope that one day, you find your way into my dreams. I hope we can have a good chat then, and do some catching up for the time we've lost. Looking forward to seeing you then. I miss you and love you.

Mooncake Party

Dear.

Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.

Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.

Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.

He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.

Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.

I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.

National Day

Dear,

how time flies.
It's national day tomorrow, a holiday.
I used to look forward to these days, but now, it just feels like any other day.
So what if I have the whole day free?
You r not around to spend it with me.

last weekend, my parents and i brought evan to IMM.
These weekly trips are just as meaningless to me without you.
But I forced myself to go along with it cos I know it'll be good for evan to see the world. There's much comfort in seeing him happy.

We had no motive for going IMM actually.
It's just a place to be, away from the house.
As we walked around the place, I can't help recalling the last time we were there.
I can't really remember if that was before or after you gave birth, but i know 5 of us were there... ur mum, my parents and us. I remember I bought that red puma t-shirt there.

While driving home from there, I was still thinking about you.
My tears starts rolling... I couldn't help it.
Luckily it was dark in the car and no one saw me crying.
I let everyone off at the house, and drove the car to park alone.
I finally had some private time to cry out.
I really really missed you, dear.

I cried and cried, and realised that I cried a lot like Evan.
He really knows how to use his crying now.
I'll have to start controlling and disciplining him soon, before he picked up all the bad habits.
He's growing up day by day, and we've grown so attached to each other.

He's also very attached to your mum.
And I guess likewise for your mum to him.
Now she's talking about only leting Evan goes to school after chinese new year... one full year after your death.
I do not know how to react to this actually.
My mum also memtioned that with tuti around, there's actually no need to send Evan to school so early.
My rationale is for him to start learning as soon as possible, cos he's just wasting time at home.
No one in my house, or yours, is capable of teaching him anything.
And at his age, he does not know what's school anyway.
As long as it's fun, he'll go... and boy does he loves to go out.
For this very reason, I do not think I'll delay sending him to school.
As it is, other kids have both parents around to take turns to educate their child daily.
I hardly have the time and energy to do this after work.
I do not want him to missed learning at the time he's most receptive.
Worse still if he picks up bad habits in the meantime.

Well, i guess it's decided then.
I am sorry your mum can't be enjoying Evan more, but if she wants what's best for Evan, she'll not object to this.
Help give her the wisdom and strength to carry it out.

New House

Dear,

We're back to looking at houses again, this time.
We were looking at the model of a new housing development in Singapore. It's the first development on island and the island is at the extreme south east. Now that I thought about it, there's no island in the south east of Singapore. In fact, it looks like a cluster of small land being joined together to form the island.

As good as it looks, like some marina, U were lamenting how far it is to go to work from there. On this I showed u on the model how u can go along the airport coastal road and then onto ecp and then aye...

At this point I woke u from the sound of my alarm. U know, talking to u then was so natural that I almost did not realize u were gone. It's as if u were still always with me. If only this was real