Dear,
finally we're over the 49th day.
you're at your final resting place in Fo Ya Shi.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
I wanted to note down what it was about but there were some urgent things to do and after that, I've forgotten what the dream was about.
All I remembered was that like the last time, I did not realize you were dead in the dream. Evan's cry woke me up, then I realize I was dreaming of you.
I recall that we did not talk in the dream, and were busy with something.
Why didn't you talk to me?
Isn't there anything that you'll like to tell me?
I wanted so much to talk to you, to hug you, to kiss you.
Even if it's in the dream I do not mind.
Last night, did you come and look for me?
I felt some pressure on my ribs while I was lying down.
Did you hug me?
I got up to look for you, but you did not show up.
Is it because I can't see you, or you did not want to show up?
At Fo Ya Shi today, we asked if you're happy and you did not reply Yes.
I told you we had to leave so that the aunties and your father can rest before their trip tonight.
I know you can't bear to part with them, but is understanding enough to let them go.
I know you're sad because you wanted them to stay longer with you.
I felt guilty somewhat that you had to be in Singapore because of me, whereas all your family members are in Ipoh and far from you.
I'll do my best to keep you company and bring Evan to see you where possible.
I am really glad that you listen much to me.
I'm fortunate to have such an understanding wife, that love me so deeply also.
I know I lack the fortune to have you by my side, and can only be with you for 3 years.
Nevertheless, I'm still glad to have you, at least for the last three years.
I do not know how long before I'll stop grieving for you.
I'm trying to understand the religious and spiritual part of this whole thing and hopefully reach some understanding that can help ease my pain.
Such hope I can be enlighten somewhat.
Sadly, at this period of time, there're family issues to think about.
If you could, visit your family and mine and talk to them about this.
I'm sure they'll listen, because it's you that they all value.
Talk to them.
Talk to them.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Look at the bright side
Dear,
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
Since your passing away, a lot of people have been concerned about my well-being and how I’m coping with this.
I really appreciate the gestures, although I could not understand or apply the advices given as yet.
Things are really tough once I start thinking about you.
Recently, Japan had a major earthquake that has kill thousands to date. Families were destroyed and life is bad due to the collateral damages to supporting infrastructure. Even the food were contaminated by radiation from the damaged nuclear plant.
There’s no end to their sufferings as yet.
Even locally, I hear things like this lady (age 29) died while giving birth. Only married for 1 year, and have not even enjoyed a single day of motherhood. Even closer was what happened to my classmate Derek who died and left behind his wife and daughter. Think he was around my age when it happened.
All these are very sad stories. I do feel a sense of pity for them.
I’ve no doubt that the surviving parties suffered as much as me, or even much more, but some how, it does not help comparing their sufferings to mine. A suffering is a suffering. Does not mean that just because you suffer more than me, I should feel better. What’s the point in comparing the bad things; or even the good things. I’m not the type that takes relieve in knowing others suffer more than me, nor do I strive to do better than others better than me. My challenges as always been within me, and never with others.
How I wish it help though.
Some might think that the disaster in Japan was timely so that I could reference it to make me feel better.
Well, unfortunately, it did not.
Which means, I still have a long way to go for my sufferings.
Good luck to me then.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Living life to the fullest
Dear,
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Fann Wong showed a teenage girl a little girl who has cancer and diabetes.
This little girl has undergone many major and minor ops and suffer more pain than most of us ever known. She do not know when she's gonna die, yet, from her vibrant ad colorful paintings, it can be seen that she's enjoying each and everyday.
I think back to 2 months ago, and somehow felt that you seems to have acted a little differently from normal. You showed more energy and actively took care of Evan and do many things which you'll usual not do.
Did you know your time is running out, and decided to do as much, live as much, as you can?
If you did, I bet you must have enjoyed your life (even your work) to the fullest until the time you collapse. Most people would have been suffering in bed in the last hours of their life. I should be glad that you did not have to suffer that way.
Sigh, while that might have been the best for you, your abrupt leaving, left me with void so suddenly, that it seems to be sucking the life out of me. I really miss you, dear. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So much. So much.
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Fann Wong showed a teenage girl a little girl who has cancer and diabetes.
This little girl has undergone many major and minor ops and suffer more pain than most of us ever known. She do not know when she's gonna die, yet, from her vibrant ad colorful paintings, it can be seen that she's enjoying each and everyday.
I think back to 2 months ago, and somehow felt that you seems to have acted a little differently from normal. You showed more energy and actively took care of Evan and do many things which you'll usual not do.
Did you know your time is running out, and decided to do as much, live as much, as you can?
If you did, I bet you must have enjoyed your life (even your work) to the fullest until the time you collapse. Most people would have been suffering in bed in the last hours of their life. I should be glad that you did not have to suffer that way.
Sigh, while that might have been the best for you, your abrupt leaving, left me with void so suddenly, that it seems to be sucking the life out of me. I really miss you, dear. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So much. So much.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dear,
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Chen Han Wei's wife had a neck injury and need to wear neck support.
She was feeling down and wanted to go back to the room to rest.
Chen Han Wei said something funny, and she smiled and asked him not to make her laugh.
At that, I remembered the time you had appendicitis.
After the operation, the scar was painful.
When I joked with you, you tried not to laugh and told me not to make you laugh.
But yet, I know you like the way I entertain you.
Life was so nice and blissful then. I felt your happiness and was happy that I could make you happy.
Sigh, if only time would go back.
I was watching the 9pm show on channel 8 this evening.
Chen Han Wei's wife had a neck injury and need to wear neck support.
She was feeling down and wanted to go back to the room to rest.
Chen Han Wei said something funny, and she smiled and asked him not to make her laugh.
At that, I remembered the time you had appendicitis.
After the operation, the scar was painful.
When I joked with you, you tried not to laugh and told me not to make you laugh.
But yet, I know you like the way I entertain you.
Life was so nice and blissful then. I felt your happiness and was happy that I could make you happy.
Sigh, if only time would go back.
Dinner Dream
Dear,
I dream of you again last night.
It seems it's always on sunday or monday nigths.
This time, we going to have some dinner at some place that requires us to queue for entry.
Seems like it needs SAFRA card or each of us, probably for some discount or something.
As I rushed to the place, I forgotten to bring one of the 2 SAFRA cards that we had.
I thought of going back to get it but as I rushed for time, I did not - hoping for the best.
Some how, Feima was helping to queue for us in advance.
I reached there first and accompanied Feima as we waited for you.
Later on, you arrived.
It seems you've not seen Feima for some time, and started asking her about how had she been.
I told you that I have forgotten one of the cards, but you said that we just need to pay extra.
Some how, I gradually woke up at this point.
The difference is that I did not realized you were dead like what happened previously.
I wonder why.
I guess this dream was probably due to the lunch I had with Dennis and Kai Chee that day.
I was imagining, maybe longing, for a romantic dinner with you.
Sigh, I did not even have a chance to celebrate our Anniversary and Valentines day with you this year.
I dream of you again last night.
It seems it's always on sunday or monday nigths.
This time, we going to have some dinner at some place that requires us to queue for entry.
Seems like it needs SAFRA card or each of us, probably for some discount or something.
As I rushed to the place, I forgotten to bring one of the 2 SAFRA cards that we had.
I thought of going back to get it but as I rushed for time, I did not - hoping for the best.
Some how, Feima was helping to queue for us in advance.
I reached there first and accompanied Feima as we waited for you.
Later on, you arrived.
It seems you've not seen Feima for some time, and started asking her about how had she been.
I told you that I have forgotten one of the cards, but you said that we just need to pay extra.
Some how, I gradually woke up at this point.
The difference is that I did not realized you were dead like what happened previously.
I wonder why.
I guess this dream was probably due to the lunch I had with Dennis and Kai Chee that day.
I was imagining, maybe longing, for a romantic dinner with you.
Sigh, I did not even have a chance to celebrate our Anniversary and Valentines day with you this year.
Friend's of Jelita
Dear, do you remember the Friend's of Jelita restuarant in Jelita building.
I went there with Dennis and Kai Chee yesterday to have lunch. Dennis just returned from trip and came with Kai Chee to visit me to see how I was doing after you've left. They asked me where (nearby) I would like to go for lunch and I suggest Friend's of Jelita since it's some place we thought of going to previously.
Back then, we visited Jelita only for its cold storage and watson to get Evan's stuffs. We were always rushing since we felt guilty about going out and enjoying ourselves and leaving you mum at home with Evan. Now that I think back, what's a couple hours gonna help with? Even if we're concerned about saving money, what's a good meal once in a while gonna do to our savings. These private couple time is just as essential, no matter what's our responsibilities and liabilities. If only I think through these earlier. At least we could have spent more time together.
I don't remember Friend's of Jelita as a very expensive place; or at least that's what the deco suggested. But when we went there yesterday, I realised, that it's more posh than I rememberred it to be. I thought I might have brought them to some expensive place. Turns out the price isn't very expensive. It's cheaper than say Bistro 301 at Pasir Panjang. Of course, we were having their set lunch, which could be the reason why it was cheaper.
When we went in, what we saw all around were couples and more couples. We were the only 3-guy group in the whole restuarant. Think Dennis and Kai Chee must have been feeling rather awkward about that. i was rather sad because all those couples reminded me of us, and how it can never happen anymore. I kept those feelings to myself as I do not want them to worry.
Anyway, the foods not too bad. The set lunch is a 3-course meal with pretty small portions. But surprisingly, I felt full after everything. On the whole, not a bad place for food and ambience; If only I could go with you...
I went there with Dennis and Kai Chee yesterday to have lunch. Dennis just returned from trip and came with Kai Chee to visit me to see how I was doing after you've left. They asked me where (nearby) I would like to go for lunch and I suggest Friend's of Jelita since it's some place we thought of going to previously.
Back then, we visited Jelita only for its cold storage and watson to get Evan's stuffs. We were always rushing since we felt guilty about going out and enjoying ourselves and leaving you mum at home with Evan. Now that I think back, what's a couple hours gonna help with? Even if we're concerned about saving money, what's a good meal once in a while gonna do to our savings. These private couple time is just as essential, no matter what's our responsibilities and liabilities. If only I think through these earlier. At least we could have spent more time together.
I don't remember Friend's of Jelita as a very expensive place; or at least that's what the deco suggested. But when we went there yesterday, I realised, that it's more posh than I rememberred it to be. I thought I might have brought them to some expensive place. Turns out the price isn't very expensive. It's cheaper than say Bistro 301 at Pasir Panjang. Of course, we were having their set lunch, which could be the reason why it was cheaper.
When we went in, what we saw all around were couples and more couples. We were the only 3-guy group in the whole restuarant. Think Dennis and Kai Chee must have been feeling rather awkward about that. i was rather sad because all those couples reminded me of us, and how it can never happen anymore. I kept those feelings to myself as I do not want them to worry.
Anyway, the foods not too bad. The set lunch is a 3-course meal with pretty small portions. But surprisingly, I felt full after everything. On the whole, not a bad place for food and ambience; If only I could go with you...
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