If Only I Could Time Travel

Dear, After so long, I finally dreamt of you again. This time I got hold of some time machine and was able to go back in time to before your death to alter the event. In one of them, I was able to prevent the tragic day, but while you did not die, the doctor discoverred that your body is still slow deteriorating. While I know the serousness of the issue, the doctors decided only to do something about it only one day later cos it was a sunday. As such, we did not managed to save you. Therefore I time travel again to CNY period in ipoh where I decided to appear to you in my future form. I explained to you what had happened and gotten you to agree, in principle, to quit your job. Later I wrote a note to my past self and explained the coming events and instructed you on how to handle it. I also explained to you that it is likely that my past self will be the only breadwinner if I want you to live. I passed him a future cell phone and instruct myself to see how to monetise this asset. I getting more and more awake by then and my concious self is taking over the imagination. So no point going further about it. But I was glad I was able to give you a hug in the dream. Thanks for coming into my dream, dear. I love you.

Evan's Going to School

Dear, Last Thursday I was so happy. Evan have been wailing so loudly everyday in school for the first two weeks. It was so bad I think he became famous and known to every staff in the school. While he did show slight signs of getting adapted, the signs were so weak I rather not believe them. Then he fell sick and was absent for a week. I thought, "that's it, start all over again". Even my mum and yours asked me to take him out of school so that he does not have to suffer at such a young age. In the end, I insisted that he try for one more week but at half day. For the first three days. He wailed as per normal; but slowly over the three days, when my dad picked him up to go home, he can even waved good-bye to the teachers. I thought, maybe there's some hope and lo and behold, on Thursday, he did not wail but just complained a little; and totally stop after I left. And Friday, things were the same. That's when I finally dared to believe he's finally adapted. Even his form teacher was so surprised, on Thursday, that he did not cry. We all thought it would be a much longer battle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the coming Monday cos no one knows what will happen after a two day break. Give us your blessing dear. So that Evan stay calm and starts to enjoy school. I love you.

Last road trip to ipoh

Dear,

The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.

First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.

And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.

Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.

The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.

Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.

The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.

If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.

Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.

Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…

Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.

Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.

Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.

I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..

Quickie

Dear, Didn't realize I could dream of you i such a short time. It was dawn and I was transiting between sleeping and being awake and back within the minutes. Yet, within those few minutes that I was asleep, I managed to dream of u. We were at some restaurant and were having fruits. It seems strange that U ate very little of it. I notice that and asked u why, but u just say it's nothing. Yet somehow know u r not feeling well. I tried to touch you to see if you're cold or hot but u shrug me off saying u r alright. In the end I managed to grab ur arm and felt ur pulse, while I pretend to eat the fruits u left behind. It felt normal. Although a little bit fast. I remember ur pulse always feels "normal" when u r not feeling well. As I was pondering on this, I woke up. It was really a short dream. I wonder what this means...

Kiss

Dear I finally dream of u again. This time was that i was talking with some friends abt going to the movies. There were some elaborate planning which lead me to comment that I am lucky to have them to do the planning and u to go with, to the movie. The image then change to two couples, lying on the ground, side by side with the ladies lying prone on top of the guys. I've no idea who were the other couple, but we were discussing about scary movies where there are mysterious hands touching the legs of the viewers in the cinema. You said you're not afraid but I was teasing that you will be. As we were "arguing", I silence you by giving you a kiss. We kissed for the a while. Then you smiled at me. It was so sweet. Nothing was disturbing my sleep, but yet, at that point in time, I woke up. I guessed I must have some how realized that this is not real. Sigh... If only it was....

Happy Birthday to Me

Dear, it was such a sad day, that day was. In fact, the whole week, the days leading to it were just as sad. That's because I couldn't helping thinking that from now onwards, I can only share my birthday with you in the temple and no where else. our assets Can no longer look forward to having a nice meal with you, a nice outing with you, a nice present from you on that day anymore. That day will never be the same without you. It hurt so bad just thinking about it. Dear, yet even so, I'm so happy you agreed to share that piece of cake and coffee with me that morning. That thought keep me going for the rest of the day. Being busy in office helps a lot. Think I'll do that from now on. I need to save my leaves for Evan anyway. You know, I'm almost done with settling your assets. Just some small hickups but easily solve once I find the time to do it. As you know, I'll be at ICT these 2 weeks. I'll miss going to see you in the morning. It has always been something I look forward to every week. Dear, I asked you to look for me, of not any other days, at least during my birthday. Why have you not come? Nevertheless, I'll continue to hope that one day, you find your way into my dreams. I hope we can have a good chat then, and do some catching up for the time we've lost. Looking forward to seeing you then. I miss you and love you.

Mooncake Party

Dear.

Hope u enjoyed the mooncakes we brought u.
U know, I did not really wanted to buy any of the raffles mookcakes this year. Every year, the mooncakes r mainly for u. Now tat u r gone, there's no reason for me to buy them.

Yet somehow, I forced myself to buy, to keep the tradition going. And it's fortunate tat I did cos ur mum reminded me to bring u some mooncakes and the raffles ones comes in most appropriately. I hope u liked them, and got a chance to try them, with all the distraction for Evan going on there.

Evan is really growing now. Last few weeks, I was still worried tat he may not be interested in walking. But these few days, he's so into it tat all of us r tired from bending down to hold him while he walked.

He walked a lot at the zoo also. I learned a lot from this outing. What to prepare, what bag to use, what not to do. Yet some how I felt that the next outing for the two of us will be a whole new ball game since by then he would be different and more developed. Maybe it'll be easier. Cos this time, I was dead tired when i reached home. Evan's tired also but we preferred to continue playing and when he finally go to his bed tat night, he slept almost immediately after his milk. Thank goodness for tat as I can then sleep also.

Dear, there's so much to tell u abt Evan, and so much abt other things also. Mainly abt our good times together at places tat I visited these few months. Like the zoo, balestier road, one Rochester, and even every time I pass by ur office, I have this urge to stop and go in to take a look at the place u used to sit and the places I sat while accompanying u there.

I really missed u, dear.
Miss u so so much.