Good to see you again

You know, dear, Within the last week, I've dreamt of you at least twice.

one time, the dream started after your death; but instead of heart attack, you were lost in the sea. I was hoping that I'll see you again, since you were only lost wtih no body found. And it was strange that we actually made you a body for the funeral previously. In the end, you did come back to me. It felt so good to be holding you again.

another time, we took in a poor tiny frog and kept it in another room. Then we went to bed. I keep thinking the frog will hop out of the room and accidentally jump into my mouth, which was very disgusting. In the morning, the frog turned into a fairy and I went out to buy clothes for her. Then I went back to bed where you were still sleeping soundly.

I remembered there was a another dream with you in it. But can't remember the details.

It's really nice to be dreaming about you and holding you, dear. Makes me very happy, and yet misses you even more.

NDP 2012

Dear, It’s NDP period again. Every year this period, we would apply for the NDP tickets. For all these years we were together, we were never successful. Come to think of it, these years we were together, we never really did much, esp. after we got married. We just stayed together and watch the days goes by. Maybe at the back of our mind thinking that there’s still so many years ahead of us, and there’s no need to rush to do everything. Who would have thought our time together would be so short right? I don’t even have much photos of you to look at. Still, our time together has been my happiest time of my life. I hope they have been yours too, dear. Were you at Hoong’s house-warming that night? Your grandma said you were there. Your mum said Evan was calling mummy into some empty area. Were you really there? Did you show up cos all your family members were there? Why can’t you show up at my house? I’m there. Evan’s there also. Sometimes, even your mum. A least let Evan see you and play with you right? Let him know his mummy still loves him enough to come play with him.

Happy mothers day

Dear, It's been a while since I've written to you. Hope you can feel happy for me since it probably means I'm getting better. Yet on this day, I can't help remembering the first time you collapsed. I bought my first gps device and insists that I tag along your lunch appt at compass point just to test out the gps. Thank goodness for that since I was around and able to do something when you suddenly collapse on the wheel on our way home. Back then, I thought that was it. Even though you woke up after 10 min, your situation wasn't optimistic so I was prepared for the worst. Yet I told you to be brave and not to give up. I was glad that you listened and in the end, we were able to enjoy another 3 year together, and even had little Evan. Why did you not wake up the second time? I was talking to you endlessly for hours to tell you to not give up and quickly wake up. Did you not hear me? Or did you feel that life was too tough and it's easier to just forget about it. Did you forget about the rest of us that needs you? I recently bought a DVD on children songs for Evan. There's this song on separation anxiety called "my mummy comes back". It keeps repeating the phrase "my mummy comes back. She always comes back. She never will forget me". The video is really heart warming yet I'm sad cos Evan can never experience it for his mummy. I hope his daddy can be a adequate substitute so that he won't feel the difference. You've not come into my dreams for a while, dear. Pls come. I really missed you. I love you.

If Only I Could Time Travel

Dear, After so long, I finally dreamt of you again. This time I got hold of some time machine and was able to go back in time to before your death to alter the event. In one of them, I was able to prevent the tragic day, but while you did not die, the doctor discoverred that your body is still slow deteriorating. While I know the serousness of the issue, the doctors decided only to do something about it only one day later cos it was a sunday. As such, we did not managed to save you. Therefore I time travel again to CNY period in ipoh where I decided to appear to you in my future form. I explained to you what had happened and gotten you to agree, in principle, to quit your job. Later I wrote a note to my past self and explained the coming events and instructed you on how to handle it. I also explained to you that it is likely that my past self will be the only breadwinner if I want you to live. I passed him a future cell phone and instruct myself to see how to monetise this asset. I getting more and more awake by then and my concious self is taking over the imagination. So no point going further about it. But I was glad I was able to give you a hug in the dream. Thanks for coming into my dream, dear. I love you.

Evan's Going to School

Dear, Last Thursday I was so happy. Evan have been wailing so loudly everyday in school for the first two weeks. It was so bad I think he became famous and known to every staff in the school. While he did show slight signs of getting adapted, the signs were so weak I rather not believe them. Then he fell sick and was absent for a week. I thought, "that's it, start all over again". Even my mum and yours asked me to take him out of school so that he does not have to suffer at such a young age. In the end, I insisted that he try for one more week but at half day. For the first three days. He wailed as per normal; but slowly over the three days, when my dad picked him up to go home, he can even waved good-bye to the teachers. I thought, maybe there's some hope and lo and behold, on Thursday, he did not wail but just complained a little; and totally stop after I left. And Friday, things were the same. That's when I finally dared to believe he's finally adapted. Even his form teacher was so surprised, on Thursday, that he did not cry. We all thought it would be a much longer battle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the coming Monday cos no one knows what will happen after a two day break. Give us your blessing dear. So that Evan stay calm and starts to enjoy school. I love you.