As devastated as we may be, there's still the funeral to be done.
Some times, I think there's much wisdom in chinese tradition. It forces upon the living the responsibility to conduct the funeral process so that the love ones have something to focus on and not collapse in pain and misery.
As Kuan Yee collapsed in her office, her corpse have to be sent to the state coroner to decide if an autopsy is to be performed. Try as we had, there's no way we could get Kuan Yee's body from the morgue any earlier than the stated time, which is the following day. It really pained us that we had to be separated at this point in time. However, this break gave us time to arrange the funeral which on hindsight, had been better, else everything would be decided in rush, which may leave us to regret any wrongly made decisions later.
We had chosen to run the wake for 5 days. That was the first decision to be made.
Knowing that this is the last few days we can stay with Kuan Yee, I was tempted to run the wake for 7 days. However, many of Kuan Yee's relatives have came from Ipoh to help out and to run it for so long would have been too taxing for them.
Following this, my uncle brought me to the undertaker, where we chose the type of setup for the wake - Buddhist, Taoist etc, coffin, the need for embalming, paper houses, food catering, rituals to perform etc. The undertaker is experienced and helped explained the various details to us and help make the necessary arrangements so that all we need to do are to following them step by step.
Next, we traveled around the various temples to decided on the place to perform the 49-day ritual following the cremation and also the final resting place for Kuan Yee's tablet. For the record, Kuan Yee's ashes is at Chua Chu Kang crematorium, E01-16 niche 170. Her tablet is at Fo Ya Shi temple opposite Maxwell market, position 107. That was the final task for the day, before we went home to pick a photo of Kuan Yee for the funeral. There're photos of us everywhere in my computer, some as recent as just 3 days before. My eyes was blurred with tears as I forced myself to go through each of them to pick the best one.
Throughout these period, my heart settled, sank to the pits, settled again, sank again, again and again and again. Even after we went home to rest, things did not changed. I could not remain at one position any longer than 5 minutes. The moment I sit or lay down, I feel myself going into a void and could not breath. I needed to move in order to keep myself from it. I'm aware my body is already very tired from the continuous round-the-clock staying at Kuan Yee's side in hospital, but I had no choice. I thought I might just move and move until the body eventually collapse. Thankfully, I managed to find myself an awkward position where I can finally rest. Even then, it was only a short rest, but was it enough. If it weren't for it, the torture from my heart would driven me to jump down the building.
When that suicidal thought crossed my mind, I realized that that action would have left my parents with the burden of bringing up my Evan. I decided than Evan will need to die with me. Then I realized that the 2 of us dying would be too great a pain for my parents and I decided that all four of us will have to go together. At that point, I stopped the wayward thoughts. I can't dragged Evan, and my parents into this for my own selfishness. They have the right to live their life to the fullest.
The following day, it took the better part of the morning to finally collect Kuan Yee's body. The undertaken took over from there to embalm and then dress Kuan Yee's up. She looks nice in one of her favorite dress. Back at the wake, we watched as the undertakers laid Kuan Yee's body into the coffin. All these while, the coffin is empty and I could imagine that the whole thing was just a game. Even after they laid her into the coffin, I was still at her side pleading with her to get up, and stop playing this prank on me. Sigh.
Things starts rolling almost immediately after. Soon, friends, colleagues, customers, relatives starts streaming in to pay their last respect to Kuan Yee. It was tough having to repeat the whole incident to each group, but as I went through it again and again, some how, the pain resided. Maybe the repeating of it over and over again, made me accept the situation some what, and made it easier to bear with her death.
However, as easy as it was, talking to the guest at the wake, once the people had left and I'm all alone, the void in my heart comes back. Fortunately, there's many people in the house and hence I do not have to sleep alone. That some what comforts me.
The days passes by quickly, and soon, we're on the final day. Having Kuan Yee in the coffin has been a comfort to me, as I could still walk up to her and talk to her. This would be the final day for that. I missed her so much. I was not allowed to follow the funeral procession or to see the cremation. Neither were her parents nor mine were allowed also. We could only wait for the tablet and photo to arrive at the temple eventually where we can see her again. This will be her resting place for the next 49 days, before we moved her again to Fo Ya Shi temple.
I thank all those that had helped out in the funeral and all that have came to console us and paid their last respect to Kuan Yee.
Especially to Kuan Yee's and my family, you folks offered your help in big and small ways, made me felt loved, when love have left my heart. Even though it's a different kind of love, it kept me warm and helped me carry on. I will not let you down by seeking the easy way out, or drowning myself in misery. I know Evan is the most important thing in my life now and I have much to do to bring him up. This would have been Kuan Yee's final wishes, and I'll do my best to fulfill them.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The day my life changes
It was CNY 2011 and we as a family were happily immerse in the festive mood around us.
During the last few months, my mother in law has been living with us at my parents house to help take care of Evan. To my MIL, please accept my great gratitude for this sacrifice you've made for Kuan Yee and myself.
While KY have not said anything, I do know that this sacrifice you made has made her very happy and relief. It definitely beats the other options like rearing Evan in Ipoh or even rearing Evan at MIL's house. To show our appreciation, we did our best to quickly find a maid to help you with taking care of Evan. Unfortunately, fortune is not with us and we repeatedly missed opportunities while waiting for one which eventually did not qualify.
We had the best of time in Ipoh enjoying our CNY break. It was tiring cos we relief MIL from taking care of Evan during this period. It was tiring, but we were enjoying every bit of it; even stealing time, while Evan is asleep, to be intimate. It was a very happy time indeed.
Back in Singapore, we were looking forward to working. Not that working is fun, but that with that, MIL will resume taking care of Evan and we can get some much needed rest.
14 Feb 2011.
It's our first day of work since CNY and we're busy as usual preparing ourselves for work; but we never forget to giving Evan a loving hug before we leave. Who would have known that will be the last hug from Evan's loving mummy.
Knowing it was valentines day, I took a quick lunch and quick went out to buy the rose (soft toy) I faithfully got her every valentines day. I gotten more this time. How surprise she would be to find roses in her drawer later this evening.
After lunch, KY sms'ed me telling me the maid had failed her test. We texted a few rounds to discuss the way ahead and suddenly KY stopped replying. This is not strange to me since her phone is always busy. I continued with my work and waited.
30 min later, her colleagues called to say that they've found her collapsed at her desk and had called for an ambulance. This is also not strange to me. 3 years ago, she collapsed for the first time and was when she was found to have irregular heartbeat - the fatal type. But, I thought that like the last time, she'll wake up after a while and by the time I reached hospital, I'll be able to see her tired face, consoling her, telling her I'm around and not to be afraid.
I was wrong.
Her heart had stopped and with great effort from the docs, KY's heart managed to resume beating. However, the heart is weak and medication have to be administered to maintain her blood pressure. Her lungs is also not moving and machines have to be used to keep her breathing. Doctors cautioned that this is probably the last 48 hours of her life.
We did not believe.
We know that there's noting science can do, so MIL and I turned to the super natural in hope for a solution. We toiled for the next 2 days, seeking help from many masters and their deities. It gave us hope. We were able to remain strong for KY. Staying at her side, touching her, calling out to her continuously, in hope of reviving her.
However, she never woke up. Deep down, I know her situation is getting worse. The medication administered gets stronger and stronger, and finally...
16 Feb 2011
(early morning)
The doctors ran out of options.
My brother in law and I quickly gathered the family members, for our last goodbyes to KY.
Finally, the doctors came out, I knew this was it. Oh god, the pain was so great I could not breathe.
Dear,
everyone was there to see you
Your mum and dad, your brother, your cousins and relatives, my cousins and relatives, my mum and dad, our boy, and me.
If you could sensed us in your last moments, I'll be very relief that our love could accompany you as you departed.
During the last few months, my mother in law has been living with us at my parents house to help take care of Evan. To my MIL, please accept my great gratitude for this sacrifice you've made for Kuan Yee and myself.
While KY have not said anything, I do know that this sacrifice you made has made her very happy and relief. It definitely beats the other options like rearing Evan in Ipoh or even rearing Evan at MIL's house. To show our appreciation, we did our best to quickly find a maid to help you with taking care of Evan. Unfortunately, fortune is not with us and we repeatedly missed opportunities while waiting for one which eventually did not qualify.
We had the best of time in Ipoh enjoying our CNY break. It was tiring cos we relief MIL from taking care of Evan during this period. It was tiring, but we were enjoying every bit of it; even stealing time, while Evan is asleep, to be intimate. It was a very happy time indeed.
Back in Singapore, we were looking forward to working. Not that working is fun, but that with that, MIL will resume taking care of Evan and we can get some much needed rest.
14 Feb 2011.
It's our first day of work since CNY and we're busy as usual preparing ourselves for work; but we never forget to giving Evan a loving hug before we leave. Who would have known that will be the last hug from Evan's loving mummy.
Knowing it was valentines day, I took a quick lunch and quick went out to buy the rose (soft toy) I faithfully got her every valentines day. I gotten more this time. How surprise she would be to find roses in her drawer later this evening.
After lunch, KY sms'ed me telling me the maid had failed her test. We texted a few rounds to discuss the way ahead and suddenly KY stopped replying. This is not strange to me since her phone is always busy. I continued with my work and waited.
30 min later, her colleagues called to say that they've found her collapsed at her desk and had called for an ambulance. This is also not strange to me. 3 years ago, she collapsed for the first time and was when she was found to have irregular heartbeat - the fatal type. But, I thought that like the last time, she'll wake up after a while and by the time I reached hospital, I'll be able to see her tired face, consoling her, telling her I'm around and not to be afraid.
I was wrong.
Her heart had stopped and with great effort from the docs, KY's heart managed to resume beating. However, the heart is weak and medication have to be administered to maintain her blood pressure. Her lungs is also not moving and machines have to be used to keep her breathing. Doctors cautioned that this is probably the last 48 hours of her life.
We did not believe.
We know that there's noting science can do, so MIL and I turned to the super natural in hope for a solution. We toiled for the next 2 days, seeking help from many masters and their deities. It gave us hope. We were able to remain strong for KY. Staying at her side, touching her, calling out to her continuously, in hope of reviving her.
However, she never woke up. Deep down, I know her situation is getting worse. The medication administered gets stronger and stronger, and finally...
16 Feb 2011
(early morning)
The doctors ran out of options.
My brother in law and I quickly gathered the family members, for our last goodbyes to KY.
Finally, the doctors came out, I knew this was it. Oh god, the pain was so great I could not breathe.
Dear,
everyone was there to see you
Your mum and dad, your brother, your cousins and relatives, my cousins and relatives, my mum and dad, our boy, and me.
If you could sensed us in your last moments, I'll be very relief that our love could accompany you as you departed.
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