Good to see you again

You know, dear, Within the last week, I've dreamt of you at least twice.

one time, the dream started after your death; but instead of heart attack, you were lost in the sea. I was hoping that I'll see you again, since you were only lost wtih no body found. And it was strange that we actually made you a body for the funeral previously. In the end, you did come back to me. It felt so good to be holding you again.

another time, we took in a poor tiny frog and kept it in another room. Then we went to bed. I keep thinking the frog will hop out of the room and accidentally jump into my mouth, which was very disgusting. In the morning, the frog turned into a fairy and I went out to buy clothes for her. Then I went back to bed where you were still sleeping soundly.

I remembered there was a another dream with you in it. But can't remember the details.

It's really nice to be dreaming about you and holding you, dear. Makes me very happy, and yet misses you even more.

NDP 2012

Dear, It’s NDP period again. Every year this period, we would apply for the NDP tickets. For all these years we were together, we were never successful. Come to think of it, these years we were together, we never really did much, esp. after we got married. We just stayed together and watch the days goes by. Maybe at the back of our mind thinking that there’s still so many years ahead of us, and there’s no need to rush to do everything. Who would have thought our time together would be so short right? I don’t even have much photos of you to look at. Still, our time together has been my happiest time of my life. I hope they have been yours too, dear. Were you at Hoong’s house-warming that night? Your grandma said you were there. Your mum said Evan was calling mummy into some empty area. Were you really there? Did you show up cos all your family members were there? Why can’t you show up at my house? I’m there. Evan’s there also. Sometimes, even your mum. A least let Evan see you and play with you right? Let him know his mummy still loves him enough to come play with him.

Happy mothers day

Dear, It's been a while since I've written to you. Hope you can feel happy for me since it probably means I'm getting better. Yet on this day, I can't help remembering the first time you collapsed. I bought my first gps device and insists that I tag along your lunch appt at compass point just to test out the gps. Thank goodness for that since I was around and able to do something when you suddenly collapse on the wheel on our way home. Back then, I thought that was it. Even though you woke up after 10 min, your situation wasn't optimistic so I was prepared for the worst. Yet I told you to be brave and not to give up. I was glad that you listened and in the end, we were able to enjoy another 3 year together, and even had little Evan. Why did you not wake up the second time? I was talking to you endlessly for hours to tell you to not give up and quickly wake up. Did you not hear me? Or did you feel that life was too tough and it's easier to just forget about it. Did you forget about the rest of us that needs you? I recently bought a DVD on children songs for Evan. There's this song on separation anxiety called "my mummy comes back". It keeps repeating the phrase "my mummy comes back. She always comes back. She never will forget me". The video is really heart warming yet I'm sad cos Evan can never experience it for his mummy. I hope his daddy can be a adequate substitute so that he won't feel the difference. You've not come into my dreams for a while, dear. Pls come. I really missed you. I love you.

If Only I Could Time Travel

Dear, After so long, I finally dreamt of you again. This time I got hold of some time machine and was able to go back in time to before your death to alter the event. In one of them, I was able to prevent the tragic day, but while you did not die, the doctor discoverred that your body is still slow deteriorating. While I know the serousness of the issue, the doctors decided only to do something about it only one day later cos it was a sunday. As such, we did not managed to save you. Therefore I time travel again to CNY period in ipoh where I decided to appear to you in my future form. I explained to you what had happened and gotten you to agree, in principle, to quit your job. Later I wrote a note to my past self and explained the coming events and instructed you on how to handle it. I also explained to you that it is likely that my past self will be the only breadwinner if I want you to live. I passed him a future cell phone and instruct myself to see how to monetise this asset. I getting more and more awake by then and my concious self is taking over the imagination. So no point going further about it. But I was glad I was able to give you a hug in the dream. Thanks for coming into my dream, dear. I love you.

Evan's Going to School

Dear, Last Thursday I was so happy. Evan have been wailing so loudly everyday in school for the first two weeks. It was so bad I think he became famous and known to every staff in the school. While he did show slight signs of getting adapted, the signs were so weak I rather not believe them. Then he fell sick and was absent for a week. I thought, "that's it, start all over again". Even my mum and yours asked me to take him out of school so that he does not have to suffer at such a young age. In the end, I insisted that he try for one more week but at half day. For the first three days. He wailed as per normal; but slowly over the three days, when my dad picked him up to go home, he can even waved good-bye to the teachers. I thought, maybe there's some hope and lo and behold, on Thursday, he did not wail but just complained a little; and totally stop after I left. And Friday, things were the same. That's when I finally dared to believe he's finally adapted. Even his form teacher was so surprised, on Thursday, that he did not cry. We all thought it would be a much longer battle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the coming Monday cos no one knows what will happen after a two day break. Give us your blessing dear. So that Evan stay calm and starts to enjoy school. I love you.

Last road trip to ipoh

Dear,

The last trip to Ipoh was very significant, both psychologically as well as physically.
Either I’m sensitive or there somehow seems to be so many events of significant happening.

First, even before the trip, things happened already. I went to the petrol station to fill up 2 days before the trip.
I asked the attendant to fill up as much as possible. Think the attendant was very ice to oblige, although it took much longer than normal.
However, after I paid and went back to the car, the petrol tank cap was no where to be found.
I panicked immediately as the tank was so full so run the risk of overflowing when driving.
I refused to move the car even though I’m blocking the exit, much to the annoyance of the uncle blocked by me.
Thank goodness I manage to buy a cap at Alexandra eventually.

And even before this, remember my thermostat assembly overheated and burst.
Lucky it happened before the trip, and as a result of the repair, the car servicing was done.
Actually, the servicing was overdue but I jus could not find the time and mood to do it.
Guess things does have a way of righting itself, even if we choose to ignore them.

Do you know that since that fill up, I drove for 2 days in Singapore and then to Ipoh, and still have a quarter tank left.
Goes to show that the tank is really a 60 litre one.
The best part (or worst part) about this is that we did not stop much on the way to Ipoh, i.e. I did not get to rest much.
And lucky for that, cos we were stuck in a large jam, and also I took a wrong turn before Nilai.
All in all, it took me 8 hr to get to Ipoh.
I even chance upon a colleague at the R&R, although I did not really talk to her.

The stay at Ipoh was short indeed. One of the shortest I guess, just 3 days (plus the 2 days to come and go).
Everyday started late in the morning with the usual breakfast, and then it’s either back to the house or some shopping at Jusco.
Evan enjoyed himself a lot climbing up the stairs.
First, he was assisted by me, which made me really tired going up and down.
Soon, he was climbing up on his own, but I was right behind him, just in case he falls backwards.
He even did something that surprised everyone.
You know the chair that your grandma always sits in.
Evan noticed that and on the third day, as your grandma came down the stairs, he waited for her and led her to her chair.
It was so sweet, although he didn’t really allow her to hug or carry him. He did that to most of the ppl except for the few he’s familiar with, including Evonne.

Evonne is really getting very spoilt.
I guess it’s because no one really disciplines her.
Understandably so, since none of them are her parents and do not really dare to punish her.
But a child her age has to be disciplined.
I really felt like doing it but held back cos I really dun have to right to do so.
I guess the rest also feel this way.

The journey home was even more significant.
You remember I always put on a fresh coat of RainX on the windscreen before going Ipoh,
And always lament that it was not out to good use as there was no or not much rain during the drive.
Well, this time round, I have more than enough of it, all the way from before KL to after Malacca.
Half the time, was heavy. Quarter of it was so heavy I cannot even see the road in front of me.
I had to rely on the GPS map to prepare me to swing left or right; thank goodness for GPS.
What made me curious was how slow the cars were during those raining period.
I thought Malaysian drivers should have been more experienced than me in such situation, and yet I was overtaking most of them, and I was not driving very fast.
I was so alert during the drive that I was so tired when we finally reach your house.
In my heart, I keep thinking this rainy journey is a tribute to my last road trip to Ipoh.
This thinking keep going on and on in my mind even when I was driving.

If you do not know by now, this will be my last road trip to Ipoh.
My car is 7 years old and I don’t feel safe using it for such roadtrips anymore, without a pre-inspection every time.
Furthermore, with your mum no longer in Singapore most of the time, I can’t be making the road trip with just Evan. It’ll be too difficult.
So from now on, I’ll be taking plane instead. Maybe coaches when Evan is older and easier to manage.
A typically trip will cost about $200, but CNY will be double.
OK for the 2 of us, but gets overly expensive with more ppl.

Well, as a result of the dispute, your mum can now officially rent out the whole house and get more income out of it.
A lot more than previously in fact, although now she’ll have to find some place to stay.
I would have offered my house if I had one.
Now, she temporarily stays at Yee’s house, up to CNY.
As you know, the house is not really that big, even when compared to your house.
I hope Evan dun feel too restricted over there, given he’s accustom to big places like your grandma’s place.
I hope even more that Yee dun feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, cos suddenly, there’re so many things and ppl in her house.
It sort of disrupted her peace and privacy I guess. But luckily it’s only for a couple of months.
I’m really thankful for her for accommodating this.

Now, that we’ve moved out of your house to Yee’s house, it really feels like a lot of chapters in my life is closing.
I hope it signifies things should move on and change from now on, especially for your mum.
The last event, or set of events will be during the CNY period.
Your mum will go back to Ipoh for a while… Evan will start school… Your death anniversary… The end of Tuti… my very own house…

Sometimes, I do look forward to these coming events… as if I’m yearning for a new chapter of my life to begin… Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
It’s not that I dun love you or miss you, yet, deep down, I know I can’t be grieving forever.

Whether my future is with Evan only or includes another person, I do not care.
I just wanted to feel as if there’s some future in my life to look towards.
Maybe it does not make sense to you, but I think I really needs it, else, the rest of my life, especially my work will suffer.
And that will not be good for Evan.
I’ll not let Evan forget you, nor your family and relatives.
However, given the new environment, I do foresee less contact.
As you know, I’m not really good and maintaining contacts, even with my own friends.
For Evan’s sake, I’ll do my best.

Another thing I’m looking forward to in my new life is to be able to face our photos and videos again.
I still do not dare to try and my body automatically avoids them.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.

I still misses you a lot, dear.
If only you were alive to share the joys I had with Evan.
I know you would have enjoyed every moment of it.
Please come back and look for me…..

Quickie

Dear, Didn't realize I could dream of you i such a short time. It was dawn and I was transiting between sleeping and being awake and back within the minutes. Yet, within those few minutes that I was asleep, I managed to dream of u. We were at some restaurant and were having fruits. It seems strange that U ate very little of it. I notice that and asked u why, but u just say it's nothing. Yet somehow know u r not feeling well. I tried to touch you to see if you're cold or hot but u shrug me off saying u r alright. In the end I managed to grab ur arm and felt ur pulse, while I pretend to eat the fruits u left behind. It felt normal. Although a little bit fast. I remember ur pulse always feels "normal" when u r not feeling well. As I was pondering on this, I woke up. It was really a short dream. I wonder what this means...