Evan's Development

Dear,

Evan is back at my house over the last few days.
Your mum went back Malaysia for a break so the rest of us moved back to my house.
She had been watching tuti for the few days and was eventually satisfied that she is capable of taking care of Evan, A little forgetful, but made up for it by being very patient with our boy, which can be very difficult during meal times. She even said that Evan have grown to like tuti, but I think that can is not something spectacular considerring our boy is used to moving between different care takers.
Her going back is, I guess, doing the ultimate test to see if tuti can really do take care of Evan.
As far as I've observed, she can. However, I've not let her watched Evan at night. Cos I'll like Evan by my side at night. It helps me sleeps better.

Evan's been doing well as my place. He has ample space to learn to crawl and walk, and has been improving.
He likes the play mat, where he can crawl and have a big space to play with his toys.
He likes the walker, where I hide and he can then walked around to find me. He always laughs so joyfully when I jumped out of my hiding place to surprise him. My dad loves playing with him, teaching him how to crawl and to walk. Howebver, each time Evan gets lazy, bored or tired, he'll look for me to carry him. My dad thinks I'm spoiling Evan each time I "rescue" him.

I managed a few successes with Evan. First, I also managed to ascertain that Evan is indeed bored of his current menu for lunch and dinner. The switch to using salmon belly really helps to make things easier for everyone. Second, I got Evan to drink milk (not to grossly diluted type), even though it was only during his sleep. It seems that every time I get free play with Evan, I changed his "life" for the better. Not that the rest are not doing anything beneficial, but it makes me feel good that I’m not that useless a dad afterall, even though I’m a hopeless husband that could not keep you alive.

Your mum's coming back this weekend. This means that she'll want Evan at her house so that she can take care of him. She promised to watched closely over Evan all the way until he's at least 1 year old, and she's living up to this promise. The good thing about staying at her place is that Evan gets exposed to a lot of people and conversations. This helps with his verbal development. At my place, things have always been quiet; but he gets more space to play though. Frankly, I like to go to her house also. Not only does the "noise" makes the place more lively and help me forget my pain temporarily, it's a place that I can feel close to you, it's as if you're still with me. Right now, there's only so many things that can do that - Evan, your house, your family - and i intend to hold on to all of them. Over time, I will probably have to learn to let go, but that's a matter for another day.

Right now, Evan needs both verbal and motor development, and it seems each side is good for one purpose; and I'm glad that things are this way.

Happy Birthday

Dear,

hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration last week and the cake I bought for you today.

actually, the cake isn't very nice, but it's from one of the best vegetarian bakery so i guess there might not be a better option. Nevertheless, I'll try to get better ones for you next time.

I know the uncle at the temple told me that crying only makes you feel worse, but I really can't help it. When I realized that this is going to be the way I can celebrate your birthday from now on, I can feel nothing but pain.

Baby said in facebook that you came to her in her dreams to tell us that you're doing fine over there. I'm happy for you, yet at the same time, I do not know if that's the whole truth.

I remember during the celebration last week at the temple, we brought Evan along to see you. Our intention at the temple was only for the monk to conduct the rites so we only brought you a simple vegetarian cake. We thought you might like to try some non-vegetarian food so we planned for the main celebration at the crematorium instead.

In our rush to start the celebration there for you, we neglected the fact that the temple is the only place you'll get to see Evan (cos I told you previously that we'll not be bringing Evan to the crematorium). I realized that's probably the reason you kept us there for so long; cos you wanted to see Evan more. If it's not bec Evan start throwing tantrum cos he's sleepy, you'll probably not let us leave. I felt so sad when I realized this part.

At the crematorium, when you started answering your mum's questions so ambiguously over what happened at the temple, I could not bare to tell them the answer. It'll only spoil everyone's mood and good intentions to celebrate your last birthday with you. I'm glad you're so understanding and did not give us a hard time eventually. It is a great consolation to everyone that you finally agree to celebrate with us.

You've always been so kind and understanding. That's why everyone loves you. That's why I love you so so dearly. I miss you so so dearly.

I know you miss Evan dearly as well. Now that your mum is going back to Ipoh for a while, do watch over Evan for her sake and ours as well.

Lastly, where possible, find a means to bring peace to her heart. In fact, find a means to bring peace to all our aching hearts. Come visit us in our dreams more often. We'll only be too glad to talk to you.

Happy Birthday, Dear.
I love you forever.

Dream Part 2?

Dear,

this time we're in a posh Japanese restuarant.
You ordered sashimi while I ordered sushi.
You plate of sashimi was quite small and you reached over to "tax" me.
I commented that you should have ordered something more filling.

But you said you purposely ordered sashimi cos it's expensive, to punish me for ... you started mumbling and i could not hear what you were saying. In my mind, I was thinking that even if it's expensive and the portion is small, since it's a punishment, you could have ordered more portions to fill yourself and make the punishment harder. The reason you did not do that is cos you are reluctant to see me waste so much money, even as a punishment. I'm glad you're this considerate, even at this juncture, and know you still love me deeply. I'm also glad to be able to share my food with you, just like we always do.

I do not know what's the quarrel was about.
Is this a continuation of the previous dream we had?
If it is, I'm glad that we could have this dream, and hopefully more, so that I can see you more often.
Maybe we'll be able to get to the point where I know what you're angry with me for?
Hopefully we can get to the point where we kiss and make up as well.

Ipoh Trip

Dear,

After having such a "nice" dream that gave me hope, I went to work in a pretty calm mood. I also get to play with Evan in the morning right before I come to work. He seems a lot bigger and heavier now, even though I carry him and see him almost everyday.

I decided to prepare for next week’s trip to Ipoh by notifying MINDEF and also applying for travel insurance. As I logged into the travel insurance page, it shows your name among others in the list of people I used to apply travel insurance for.

I recall the last few trips where I always buy insurance for you.
I recall the last few trips where we always look forward to going to Ipoh to take a break from work.
I recall the last few trips where you always sit next to me as I drive up to Ipoh and back from Ipoh
I recall how you used to feed me while I drive and pass my water bottle to me when I asked for it.
I recall so many things that we used to do and just did the week before you left.

It hurt so bad.
I did not want to look for you at the temple, but I can’t help it.
It hurt so bad.

Even back in office, my tears are still running as I eat the same lunch box I bought for you.

It hurt so bad.
I missed you so much.

Dead or not dead?

Dear,

My last dream was interesting indeed.
The setup was in a house - my house?
Everyone was there except you - Evan, my parents, your mum, tuti.
Naturally, i thought it was because you were dead.

Your mum and tuti were taking care of Evan in one room and I was in a living room, where my parents were watching TV.
Somehow, the tv cable point was behind my mum's seat and she keep dislodging it, making the TV very blur. Yet, she insist it's not her causing the problem. I forced her to move slightly, making the reception better and proving to her, yes, it was her fault.

Then, lilian called and asked me how it was with you.
At that point, some how, i realised that you were not dead, but we were separated due to some argument. She encouraged me to call you to see how it goes.

I walked out of the room and dialed your number.
Half my "dream" mind still insist you were already dead, as I'm currently holding another phone that is using your number; like in the real world.
To my surprise, my other phone did not ring. Instead, you picked up the call.
I questioned how that can happen, and reasoned that it's likely that since your number was from M1, like mine, it goes to you first, and only if you did not receive will it be routed to my phone with your number, which is on Singtel.
It's really very strange that the surrounding objects are just like in the real world, but yet in the dream, it could become that way.


As you picked up the call, I asked "HOw are you?
". "Ok ah!" You replyed in the half angry tone you always used when we quarrel.
The rest of the conversation passed by in a blur, and you were then asking me about Evan. I took the opportunity to asked you out, for dinner, and then movie. Some how, I realise you want to just go for dinner only so that I can go home to play with Evan, but I told you that it won;t make a difference as by the time I reach home, he would have already slept. You thought about it for a while and then agreed.

The following day, I was at another place during the day. It was a big house, and there were many people there, like some kind of party or conference. One Ang Mo actually came to over to where I was sitting and console me on our situation. Strangely, I do not recall knowing him.

Then it was time for me to leave. You SMSed me your current address and from the map, although it was very very far, I knew where it was. My "dream" mind recalled going there with you to look for someone before. I even decided that I do not need GPS to help me find it. Now that I think about it, why didn't you go home? Why was your mum still helping out at my place?

As I walked towards my car, I met Wee Meng and gave him a lift around a big car park to find his car. As we mounted a ramp, he explained that he saw Angeline leaving the carpark in her little blue Getz. I proudlly told him that I helped her sourced for that car - although now that I thought about it, I do not know it that was actually true or not.

Anyway, things passed by in a blur again, and now i'm a RWS hotel, with the intention to book a room for our date in the evening. The receptionist told me that since I did not book in advance, I have to pay $20 more.

All these while, I was aware that I'm dreaming, but some how, my consciousness did not take over, but let the dream run its course. It's like I'm watching a movie about myself, and yet I could feel like how I did in the show.
over time, my conciousness too over and I was fully awake. Yet, I was able to still vividly recall the scenes in the dream. The last few times were not this way. Although, try as I might, I could not fall asleep again to continue the dream.

In the end, we did get to the point were we meet up for our date. Sigh....

This is the longest dream I had concerning you so far.
Will there be more?

Pleasant Dream

Dear,

Last night's dream was the most pleasant dream I have of you so far.

We were cutting corners off some things which I vaguely recall looks like dumplings.
Not sure why we were doing it, but it seems we were pretty committed to do it.
As time goes on, we decided not to cut the corners and take the whole dumpling instead.
Somehow, that seems to angered some people who starts throwing balls at us.
I vaguely recall that the it was more of a “pretend” kind of angriness and the balls thrown as us were not gonna hurt us anyway.
Because of that, we did not care that the people were "complaining" about and go about our own tasks.
We smiled and look at each other, enjoying the laughter and joy; and then we kissed.

I realised I was not fully asleep as I was aware that I was dreaming, although the dream was proceeding along on its own without me imposing my will on it to change it’s course. Seems as if I was watching a show about myself, yet I felt involved in it.

Nevertheless, we still did not talk much in the dream.
Maybe it is true that these dreams are just my unconcious self missing you.
Since you left no message when you left, my unconcious self found no info from which to generate the conversation in my dream.

When will you really really enter my dream and talk to me.
Just once is all I asked.

IPT

Dear,
it's such a strange feeling going for IPT yesterday.
Last time, I go for the tough training knowing that after that, I can go home to you; I might even get a massage fro you if I was aching. Things were nice then.

Now, there's nothing to go back home to; not even Evan is enough to comfort me totally, although it helps abit. I told you before, you're always first in my heart; then comes evan; then everyone else.

I used to be able to find comfort in complaining to you how I sufferred during trainings, and now there's no one whom I want to and can confide in. You know, when I got back to my car after the session, I immediately reached for my ohone to see if you've left me any message which you used to do all the time - "waiting for you", "very boring at home", "not done yet?". Reality sinks in when I found no such sms this time, and I really wanted to cry.

None left to share my woes and joys from now on.
I'm by myself, now and forever.